Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi all, new here. I am in an emotionally and verbally abusive marriage for almost 15 years now. I finally realized it about 3.5 years ago. Tried to divorce then, and that was a nightmare. I stopped those proceedings because we have a young son that I do not want to be manipulated by him. However, I noticed my mental state declining and my depression worsening lately. I started seeing a new therapist a couple of months back and she finally made me realize that it will never get better, and if I continue to think I can just deal with it until my child gets older, my emotional state unfortunately will not hold. I am finally making plans to leave. I have a pretty good plan in place, one that may take me about a year to execute. Hopefully I can hang in there until then.
In the meantime, I'm struggling to understand why some days I absolutely hate him, and some days I feel really bad for him. I have not felt any kind of love for him in over 3 years now. I can honestly say that the love is gone from me completely. Thank goodness for that as it helps me with detachment. However, I cannot help but feel bad for wanting to leave.
I feel bad because he had a rough childhood and now I'm going to abandon him.
I feel bad because he's never made much money and will have to figure out how to support himself financially.
I feel bad because he still loves me and will be sad when we part.
All of this is BS I know! I know it's not me abandoning him, his behavior is what will cause him to be alone. I know it's not my fault he's been lazy the entire time we've been married and sat back while I have worked two jobs to pay the bills and that he could work more if he wanted. I know he doesn't really love me. I know all of this....yet I still feel bad! Why????
the answer is because
there's a physical
component in the
human brain that
evolved to keep us
coupled up. . . . which
ignores all kinds of
destructive circumstances
and focuses on staying
coupled because that's
supposed to be better
for raising children.
(That part of the brain
is in the limbic system
and is called "the
dorsal striatum." Imaging
studies were done on
the dorsal striatum and
what it does, back in
2004. It's also the
part of the brain
involved in addiction.)
So, let me ask you. . . . .
is this abuser over
age 18?
If he is, then he's
an adult who is
responsible for
himself, his choices
and his actions.
He could have gotten
therapy long ago for
his rough childhood
but he hasn't.
Instead, he's chosen
to abuse you, to use
you and to specifically,
EXPLOIT you.
That's NOT LOVE.
He isn't loving you.
He's using, abusing
and exploiting you.
Try doing Ilene's
Clarifying Index
Card exercise.
I'll bump it for
you. (Keep
what you write
hidden from him.)
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
healing and happiness.