Many do not realize they are being abused. Abusers are very good a 'grooming' their 'source.' There are many ways to do that. There's an excellent book by Patricia Evans, The Verbally Abusive Relationship. It describes all kinds of abuse, both overt and covert. It helps the reader identify various types of abuse.

When someone comes here and asks if they are/were in an abusive relationship or if what the other person is doing is abusive, chances are it is. Asking is about needing validation that what we suspect is accurate. Being with an abuser is like living in a fun house mirror except its not all that fun.

If it doesn't feel right, its not. If you're made to feel crazy or overly sensitive or blamed for everything, its them, not you. Always trust your inner knowing above all else. Our bodies never lie.

For me, I knew it was happening. I wrote about in my journals so looking back I must have.! But I didn’t realize how bad it was until I stepped away. It’s startling how much abuse I actually endured.

I knew, but it didn’t hit me right away. It took some time before I realized the severity of the situation.

How do you know if you are abusive or he is, if he say you mistreat him?

Well okay be specific and I will let you know- what /how did he say you abused or were abusive to him?

I did not realize it was abuse until he left me abruptly. Then I started telling friends and family about the relationship and others told me it might be emotional abuse. It's still hard to believe.

But, asking if you are the abuser, read this article:

https://cryingoutforjustice.com/2012/01/16/how-to-spot-an-abuser-who-claims-to-be-the-victim-by-jeff-crippen/amp/

During yes but you try to overlook it out of love, though common sense tells you to get out After, you definitely recognize abuse more clearly especially when surrounding yourself with kind loving and positive people

I had a lot of warning signs. The first time he got violent I told myself it was just impulsivity and a one time thing. Deep down I knew. You just get blinded by love. Trust your gut.

I wrote this question at a very difficult time. I see now it was all abuse. There were rare instances of physical abuse. But there was also. Mental. Emotional. Verbal. He had a thing for strip clubs and prostitutes. I didn't know until a few months ago. But now I get to look back on gifts I got. The necklace after a day at the strip club. The flowers sent to work after he'd been with a prostitute.
The yelling and cussing at me in front of our kids. I just hate that it took him walking away before I could face those things for what they were.

Absolutely abuse. 100%. Maybe reading "Becoming the Narcissist's Nightmare" will help explain the dynamic.