Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
After watching a youtube video about letting go of history and loving those whom have harmed you at their levels, I decided to look for my mother and brother to tell them that I forgive them and that I wish them well. I don't know how well things will go (since my mother is narcissistic and my brother has psych issues but still knows what he is doing) with this but I do know that I need to make a mends especially with my mother so that I can not having difficult relationships with others especially women in the future. Eventually I will get in contact with my son and tell him the same thing.
Has anyone here confronted those whom have harmed them and told them that you forgive them? If so, what was the result.
Has anyone here confronted those whom have harmed them and told them that you forgive them? If so, what was the result.
That is exactly what I am going to do. I don't want a relationship with them. I just don't want to carry that negative energy with me regardless of where and/or who I am dealing with. I know from experience that when you have a strained relationship with your mother and/or father, it affects relationships with same or opposite sex.
Honestly, it may have helped me a tiny bit, but the only change in the relationship was for her to see this as an "in" to abuse me further. It did help me to have ocassional contact with her to really see over and over that no matter what I did she continued to be abusive. This finally came to a point where a "bubble" popped inside and I realized that she will never ever EVER change. My expecting her to change and to create a loving mother-daughter relationship was affecting me badly in my daily life, and I needed to mourn that loss and then spread my love elsewhere in the world.
What I suggest is doing the forgiving of those who have abused you first internally, at least you know that is safe. See how it feels to forgive at an energetic level, and sit with that a while to see how it changes you. To forgive, we do not have to tell the person. Of course, no one can say that their experience will be like another persons, and only you know what is right. You must decide for yourself what will be most healing.
Another suggestion is to forgive yourself first. It took me years and years of consciously forgiving them until I finally realized it was really me I needed to forgive.
I'm also concerned about the idea of confronting and then forgiving.
Since you're dealing w/people who have psych issues, you might be putting yourself in harm's way by confronting them and then telling them you forgive them. They probably won't hear the forgiveness part because they will probably be too busy defending themselves, blaming you and verbally abusing you.
I believe that closure comes from within and confronting them wouldn't necessarily serve any purpose except to unintentionally 'stir' things up.
In 12 step programs, there is a step about making amends. However it says to do so w/the person whenever possible UNLESS it would cause harm to them or others. You count as the "others." And you could very well be putting yourself at risk.
Any time we contact an abuser, we are opening up a direct "line" for them to be abusive to us.
Writing a letter and then burning it can accomplish the same thing w/o the risk of having to face their abuse in person. By doing it this way, it also removes the possibility of focusing on the outcome instead of the action.
Just because you don't make amends and/or forgive someone to their face doesn't negate the fact that you made amends and forgave them.
I really like what Scarclan said & her suggestions, especially the one about focusing on forgiving yourself.
Whatever you decide, please do what's best and the most self-caring for you.
~healing hugs~
My emotionally and sexually abusive ex just did not care and it gave him more material to use against me. He has no need to heal and repair things.
I started making this process for myself by myself. No one should hold my healing through forgiveness hostage with their reaction.
Thank you for your replies.
Although I have healed a lot, I realize that since I am still struggling to keep my head above water and have low mood moments, it is best that I just don't have any contact.
I think forgiving myself for being manipulated and abused by family members is important and I haven't thought of this before. I felt more pressure to forgive them. That was alot of pressure because I didn't understand what that meant, and it felt like I would have to say that it was alright and all the abuse didn't matter. That was a lot of pressure I got from Christian church, people who just didn't understand or know any better. Sure it's nice and shiney to say you forgive others, but that doesn't mean you don't hold them accountable for their actions.
I have 2 recent family members, husband and wife, husband who said on a fairly recent conversation "you are supposed to forgive", this was after a lot of non-contact, and it stood out more than ever after that, that that was their common ammunition. That their faults and actions didn't matter, it was my job to forgive. Second and more recent was his wife, I guess he turned over the communication to her, since she started the breakdown of the relationships. She said "please forgive, but didn't leave it at that, and asked me to please trust her." lol, I'm glad I now know better, and do not trust her, because she has not earned that trust back. I still need to work on the forgiveness, but I do feel it's for me, not for them, and not to rebuild the relationships because these people havn't changed. I do see so clearly now, that I need to forgive myself, so thanks to the poster who mentioned that.