Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I don't know why, though I'm sure a lot of it has to do with the season and I've been consumed with guilt for a couple weeks. The day before Thanksgiving was the one year mark of my ex moving out, and even though that wasn't the official final end to our relationship, it always felt like it.
All I wrote was that I was sorry, and that I wish I could take back some of the things I said and did. Then I blocked him again. I feel kind of like a jerk for leaving him hanging, but I didn't do it for him, I did it for me. If he didn't have a knack for twisting the sincere things I said, or if he would have listened to me while we were together, he'd know what I was sorry for. Besides, in the past when I attempted to give detailed apologies, he'd be cranky that I didn't list other things he thought I should take the blame for. Screw that. I'm not going down that road again.
I'm not perfect, and I know I could have been better at times, but I'm not bad. I know it's potentially dangerous to break No Contact, but stonewalling was a favorite tactic of his once he recognized how frustrated I became, so for that and many other reasons I'm not worried. Who knows if he'll even read my message, since he had a tendency to let emails sit unreasonably long when he thought they may make him uncomfortable (just so you know, not looking at a phone bill doesn't make it go away). Maybe he'll take my apology as proof that I'm acknowledging he was the saint he insisted he was. Right, because it's all about him.
I don't know if I ever will, but for the moment I don't feel weak for apologizing. I know it's for the right reasons, and not for the things he thinks I should feel sorry for. Maybe some day I'll question if he ever had a response, but right now I actually don't care. The only thing I feel awkward about is how strongly I push No Contact, and here I went against it. Blaaahhhhh. Whatever, I said all I had left to say to him. Hopefully now I can be done with it.
All I wrote was that I was sorry, and that I wish I could take back some of the things I said and did. Then I blocked him again. I feel kind of like a jerk for leaving him hanging, but I didn't do it for him, I did it for me. If he didn't have a knack for twisting the sincere things I said, or if he would have listened to me while we were together, he'd know what I was sorry for. Besides, in the past when I attempted to give detailed apologies, he'd be cranky that I didn't list other things he thought I should take the blame for. Screw that. I'm not going down that road again.
I'm not perfect, and I know I could have been better at times, but I'm not bad. I know it's potentially dangerous to break No Contact, but stonewalling was a favorite tactic of his once he recognized how frustrated I became, so for that and many other reasons I'm not worried. Who knows if he'll even read my message, since he had a tendency to let emails sit unreasonably long when he thought they may make him uncomfortable (just so you know, not looking at a phone bill doesn't make it go away). Maybe he'll take my apology as proof that I'm acknowledging he was the saint he insisted he was. Right, because it's all about him.
I don't know if I ever will, but for the moment I don't feel weak for apologizing. I know it's for the right reasons, and not for the things he thinks I should feel sorry for. Maybe some day I'll question if he ever had a response, but right now I actually don't care. The only thing I feel awkward about is how strongly I push No Contact, and here I went against it. Blaaahhhhh. Whatever, I said all I had left to say to him. Hopefully now I can be done with it.
warm supportive hugs
This reminds me of a story.
I have a dog, and a couple months after my ex moved in, my dog had misbehaved somehow (I think my dog stole some food if I remember correctly). My ex took all of the dog's toys and put them in a closet for the day as punishment. I warned him that didn't teach the dog anything because he can't understand it. A week later my dog misbehaved again, so my ex locked up the toys again. I had a friend over and we were sitting around talking when my ex went out. We were distracted and my dog brought over what I thought was a toy and was chewing on it at my feet. It dawned on me he didn't have any toys, so I took a look and saw it was my ex's slipper, so I took it away. It's abnormal for my dog to take things that aren't his, so my friend and I joked that my dog was mad at my ex. Then my dog went away for a minute and came back with the other slipper, so I reached to take that away. Before I could get it, my dog shook his head and threw the slipper against the wall. I can't help but feel my dog knew exactly what he was doing. Every so often my friend and I will laugh over that memory.
I like your dog story, lol. Smart dog. I think animals are pretty smart and good judge of character. They usually sense someone to be afraid of so maybe that's a good thing to try with any potential new friends/guys in our lives. Does the pet feel comfortable and safe around them?
Seriously though you can always start over with no contact. Just because we cave one time doesn't mean we cant start over again. Each day is a new day we can try to do better! Keep trying, don't feel bad we all have weak moments. I finally realized to talk to my ex was a waste of my breath. He will never hear me and he will never change. He is convinced its all my fault. He even has said I"m the abusive one etc... They like to turn things around on you too. Take care and start over with no contact!! It's like an addiction we have to stay away from the stuff and go through withdrawals and conquer the addiction. You had a slip but many of us have done the same thing. Don't feel bad just move forward and try again! Don't give up!
I began No Contact again immediately after emailing my ex, and I don't feel an urge to reach out again. I don't know why I came here to tattle on myself, other than I oddly feel a little proud. Proud that for the first time I didn't care enough to explain myself to him and pleased that I was able to make myself feel better without telling him off. I lived with those urges for what seemed like forever. I feel a lot less guilt now that I've apologized without needing his acceptance for the first time. He owed me a lot more than he gave, but I don't need to see whether he will ever deliver, because I know he can't. I knew I was going to block him again when I decided to write the email, I just had to make sure I got in that I know I made mistakes (my ex called me abusive, too) without him coming back and denying that I was ever sincere. He can think whatever he wants, but I feel better that I got it off my chest.
I have gone no contact since Monday, which for me is a record. He pursued me EVERYDAY since Sept. 12th and I finally took my life back into my hands and have not contacted him since Monday. I am proud of me!
It's extremely difficult, even the brain can't go no contact. lol. Something inside you had to be free, good for you with trusting yourself. If you can do that and still be o.k., then I think your definitely in control of your life and letting us see that it is not easy, just makes me believe that, it's worth it to move on.
Seriously you telling us this is like Mother Theresa saying a curse word. lol. Only analogy I could come up with, not so bad, surprising, but not that big a deal.