Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Sorry ahead of time for the length......
So, although I know I have had self confidence issues all of my life and had a not so fun childhood with very controlling parents, I have been more of my life with my husband then with my parents so I have been attributing most (not all) of my emotional abuse and lack of self confidence and lack of self worth, etc. etc. etc. to the constant emotional stabs and jabs from my husband.
Well.................
Now that things are finally calming down on the divorce front and I am trying to heal myself I found myself in a very interesting situation that a very close friend has opened my eyes to. My family is very manipulative and controlling and the ups and downs of fights and emotions I have had all of my life with my family including my sister and my brother are all a result of my families manipulation and control of me.
Let me explain and I ask for advice and feedback. If I am wrong please let me know. I encourage all feedback.
All of my life everytime I wanted something I had to work for it MYSELF! All of my life everytime I didn't do what my family (mom and dad) wanted I was always made to feel guilty. All of my life I was made to feel selfish and wrong for wanting what I want and not buying into my families mentality of "Do whatever you need to in order to make your family happy, even at the expense of your pride, your finances, etc. etc.". While I never bought into the finance part I always fell into the guilt trips, etc.
Most recent example: My entire family is going on a trip to North Carolina and we are all staying in a cabin on the lake (18 of us under one roof O_O), I plan on driving my truck so I don't have the expense of renting a car. My sister after 3 years just started driving a couple of months ago after a car accident left her right foot status post 4 surgeries and 2 fusions. My brother in law graciously offered to help me drive and I was appreciative that he asked instead of assumed he would drive my car (that I MYSELF pay for), my sister pipes in and TELLS me "I will drive too", now many things are running through my mind including I don't want my sister who only has 30% flexion in her foot to be driving my car that long of a distance and definitely don't want that with my kids in the car for obvious safety reasons. I tell her "No, its ok". She responded with "I can drive your car". I responded with "Its my car and I get to decide who drives it". She lit into me telling me "Fine, whatever, you are just selfish, blah blah blah". (In front of my parents, etc.). I was irate! I know this may seem so trivial and minor but years of this has really gotten to me now that I am not so focused on dodging my stbx's stabs. I was staying the night at her house and had no where else to go so I went into the room I was sleeping in and didn't talk to her because I thought it was rude of her to assume she can do whatever she wants and to call me selfish because she didn't get what she wants.
I think my sister in my opinion has always been jealous of me because I do ok for myself, she always asks me for money in one way or another by co-signing on cars, co-signing on houses, etc. (which I never did and always resulted in the cold shoulder), she just recently a few weeks ago asked me to get a credit card with a $7,000 limit so she could get dental work done and she would pay the bill every month because her credit is not good and was mad when I told her no because she still owes me $800 from 4 years ago and the last time I asked her when she thought she could pay me something was 2 years ago and we got into a huge fight about it so I am very leary to do anything financially for her or anyone because of their track record. My dad goes along with her and my dad basically financially supports her.
Also, I am involved in a relationship with someone (even though I know it is not what everyone would recommend) this man makes me happy, sees me for me, treats me like a human being and respects me more then anyone ever in my life has. He tells me constantly that I need to be my own person, that I need to be happy with me before I can be happy with anyone, he tells me that I am the only one who can decide what my life will be. This person makes me happier then I have ever been in my entire life minus the days my children were born. Our relationship right now is long distance but we are going to see eachother in November. Because our relationship is long distance I spend a lot of time skyping with him (when I am not with my kids).
Now that I on my way to being on my own, I have been spending a lot of time with my family. They now know about my relationship and are less then thrilled about it and take every chance to try to make me feel guilty. They always even now (I am 36 years old) try to tell me what I should do, how I should act, what I should buy, how I should spend my money, etc. etc. etc. and because I do not do it, it causes a lot of heat and conflict and I am left feeling guilty and inadequate because they like to tell me how that is not how family treats eachother that I should do what I can, blah blah blah.
I recently told my mom that I am going to live my life as I choose and the family either accepts me the way I am with the choices I make without negativity or stay out of my life. That apparently set off bells around the world (i.e. my entire family) because now my sister, my brother, my father all tell me how wrong I am to say that and how selfish that is, blah blah blah.
Am I wrong to think this is not the way I should have to live? Is this classified as manipulation and control? I love my family but I also don't want them to try to tell me how to live, especially now that I will be on my own (divorced). I don't want to leave one manipulative/controlling relationship to remain in another with my family.
Again, sorry for the length, but this is starting to hit me and I don't know if I am over reacting or taking things too literal. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!
So, although I know I have had self confidence issues all of my life and had a not so fun childhood with very controlling parents, I have been more of my life with my husband then with my parents so I have been attributing most (not all) of my emotional abuse and lack of self confidence and lack of self worth, etc. etc. etc. to the constant emotional stabs and jabs from my husband.
Well.................
Now that things are finally calming down on the divorce front and I am trying to heal myself I found myself in a very interesting situation that a very close friend has opened my eyes to. My family is very manipulative and controlling and the ups and downs of fights and emotions I have had all of my life with my family including my sister and my brother are all a result of my families manipulation and control of me.
Let me explain and I ask for advice and feedback. If I am wrong please let me know. I encourage all feedback.
All of my life everytime I wanted something I had to work for it MYSELF! All of my life everytime I didn't do what my family (mom and dad) wanted I was always made to feel guilty. All of my life I was made to feel selfish and wrong for wanting what I want and not buying into my families mentality of "Do whatever you need to in order to make your family happy, even at the expense of your pride, your finances, etc. etc.". While I never bought into the finance part I always fell into the guilt trips, etc.
Most recent example: My entire family is going on a trip to North Carolina and we are all staying in a cabin on the lake (18 of us under one roof O_O), I plan on driving my truck so I don't have the expense of renting a car. My sister after 3 years just started driving a couple of months ago after a car accident left her right foot status post 4 surgeries and 2 fusions. My brother in law graciously offered to help me drive and I was appreciative that he asked instead of assumed he would drive my car (that I MYSELF pay for), my sister pipes in and TELLS me "I will drive too", now many things are running through my mind including I don't want my sister who only has 30% flexion in her foot to be driving my car that long of a distance and definitely don't want that with my kids in the car for obvious safety reasons. I tell her "No, its ok". She responded with "I can drive your car". I responded with "Its my car and I get to decide who drives it". She lit into me telling me "Fine, whatever, you are just selfish, blah blah blah". (In front of my parents, etc.). I was irate! I know this may seem so trivial and minor but years of this has really gotten to me now that I am not so focused on dodging my stbx's stabs. I was staying the night at her house and had no where else to go so I went into the room I was sleeping in and didn't talk to her because I thought it was rude of her to assume she can do whatever she wants and to call me selfish because she didn't get what she wants.
I think my sister in my opinion has always been jealous of me because I do ok for myself, she always asks me for money in one way or another by co-signing on cars, co-signing on houses, etc. (which I never did and always resulted in the cold shoulder), she just recently a few weeks ago asked me to get a credit card with a $7,000 limit so she could get dental work done and she would pay the bill every month because her credit is not good and was mad when I told her no because she still owes me $800 from 4 years ago and the last time I asked her when she thought she could pay me something was 2 years ago and we got into a huge fight about it so I am very leary to do anything financially for her or anyone because of their track record. My dad goes along with her and my dad basically financially supports her.
Also, I am involved in a relationship with someone (even though I know it is not what everyone would recommend) this man makes me happy, sees me for me, treats me like a human being and respects me more then anyone ever in my life has. He tells me constantly that I need to be my own person, that I need to be happy with me before I can be happy with anyone, he tells me that I am the only one who can decide what my life will be. This person makes me happier then I have ever been in my entire life minus the days my children were born. Our relationship right now is long distance but we are going to see eachother in November. Because our relationship is long distance I spend a lot of time skyping with him (when I am not with my kids).
Now that I on my way to being on my own, I have been spending a lot of time with my family. They now know about my relationship and are less then thrilled about it and take every chance to try to make me feel guilty. They always even now (I am 36 years old) try to tell me what I should do, how I should act, what I should buy, how I should spend my money, etc. etc. etc. and because I do not do it, it causes a lot of heat and conflict and I am left feeling guilty and inadequate because they like to tell me how that is not how family treats eachother that I should do what I can, blah blah blah.
I recently told my mom that I am going to live my life as I choose and the family either accepts me the way I am with the choices I make without negativity or stay out of my life. That apparently set off bells around the world (i.e. my entire family) because now my sister, my brother, my father all tell me how wrong I am to say that and how selfish that is, blah blah blah.
Am I wrong to think this is not the way I should have to live? Is this classified as manipulation and control? I love my family but I also don't want them to try to tell me how to live, especially now that I will be on my own (divorced). I don't want to leave one manipulative/controlling relationship to remain in another with my family.
Again, sorry for the length, but this is starting to hit me and I don't know if I am over reacting or taking things too literal. Any advice is appreciated. Thanks!
It's your prerogative
to make your own
choices and live
as you determine
is best for you.
Anyone who tries
to prevent you from
doing so, is violating
your rights (and that's
abusive).
You go, girl!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Please, take good care.
Your family would drive me crazy. If they were my family and I wanted a relationship with them, I would talk about everything, EXCEPT what I was doing in my personal life that they could tell me how to do it better or criticize me in any way. If they can't stop with the manipulation, criticism and negativity I would be spending a lot less, if any, time with them. I guess it just depends on what you want. It sounds like they are to blatant to ignore it.
I hope this guy works out for you confused. Please just watch for red flags along the way. I'm NOT saying there will be any.
I wish you the best of luck.
(((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))
Have you read Codependent No More? I don't particularly like the book as I think it's poorly written, and needed my counselor's help to understand the concepts because they are not explained well, but the book has helped tons of people. My counselor prescribes it as the antidote to abuse, and I believe it works.
Basically, it explains what you are experiencing. Your sister is trying to put you in charge of her life. As you can see, that is NOT your responsibility. It's ok to help as you've done, and it's ok to say 'no' as you've done. You're describing a situation where your family is codependent and you're resisting, and that is excellent. You are doing the right thing!
The antidote to abuse is to choose to live your life the way you want to. Respect others of course, but don't shoulder their responsibilities- that's their job. Each person should validate themselves. Personally, I think we need external validation as we are social creatures, but ultimately we need to validate ourselves, because as soon as we give over our validation to another, they are in their control, and you know where that can lead.
I grew up with a controlling sister. My counselor pointed out how similar that was to my marriage and I was shocked. I had never realized before how much growing with her affected me. Marrying someone controlling felt familiar to me, and I'm sure this happens with a lot of people. I have a friend with a family that sounds like yours, and she has chosen to stay with a controlling boyfriend.
You're DEFINITELY doing the right thing! And I'm glad you have found someone awesome, but please retain the ultimate rights to your sense of self and your happiness!
ooooo THANK YOU!!!!!! Your post makes so much sense and I never saw it that way but it really is true!
It is so funny, my horoscope for today (Virgo) is so on point! lol
As a side note, I decided to rent a car and trying to be nice I asked my sister if her and her husband want to split the cost with me so they don't have to rent their own car and if so I would get a bigger car and she said no. So........ I reserved a compact car for me and my kids and it is going to be such a wonderful ride without Drama! (also her response makes me think that she had every intention of driving my truck and not helping with the gas). This trip might turn out wonderful afterall.
At least until she calls my dad and "tells on me" and he calls me wanting to know why I am so selfish to have rented my own car and not let my sister sponge off of me, blah blah blah! By the way, my sister is 31 years old, not 12 like she acts.
Sadly, a lot of us who were/are in abusive relationships grew up in abusive toxic dysfunctional families. Many of the decisions we all make today are based in what we learned and internalized when we were kids. The good thing is we can now decide to change those decisions. But even more so, we can decide to change the beliefs that are attached to those decisions. Therapy can help us get to the root of those beliefs, change those decisions and teach us new coping skills, as well as offer healthy support.
You said,
"I recently told my mom that I am going to live my life as I choose and the family either accepts me the way I am with the choices I make without negativity or stay out of my life."
This is just FANTASTIC!!!
Yaaaaaay you! You go girl!!!
I am so happy for you!
My dad even had the nerve to call a tire place to get prices on tires for my truck and told me that if I apply for a credit card through the tire place I don't have to pay it for 6 months so I can get tires now and not have to worry about getting a rental car. (ALL OF THIS BECAUSE MY 31 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN'T AFFORD $200 RENT A CAR). WTF?!!!!
I stayed true to myself and told them all NO! I am renting a car and that is all there is to it and that I am NOT going to feel bad or feel obligated to my sister because she can not be financially responsible enough to save money for a vacation that has been planned for over 1 year.
I told my dad last night, "you know what is funny dad..... I am the one who is going through a divorce, I am under a lot of stress, I am financially stressed and about to become a single mom, yet everyone is so damn worried about my sisters financial situation which is all a result of her own doing because she can't manager her money, yet it is all on me." I said to my dad "NO MORE!".
I got a text shortly after from my sister trying to give me a guilt trip telling me "Don't worry, We will find our own way to North Carolina". I simply responded to her with "OK".
Of course my dad called me this morning trying to give me a new angle, about how my kids are going to be so bored in a rental car because they will not have their dvd player and that I should just change my mind and take my truck. My response "NO THANKS DAD, I survived as a kid wtithout a DVD player in the car on all those trips from New York to Florida". Not long after he said "Fine". And then he had to go.
Now only if I can stay strong!
Thank you all for the support!!!!! =)
I, too, have struggled with boundary issues in my family. This past Christmas, I had to put my foot down and leave my dad alone while my mom, sister and I found a safe place away from his abuse. It is really hard growing up in a household where there is ANY element of abuse because boundaries are so often distorted. There are very few people who decide to do what is necessary to break the cycle of abuse because- and let's not kid ourselves here- it is really hard.
Those of us who do decide to break free often times cannot avoid interaction with our family of origin, no matter how limited it may be. We simply have to find a way to deal with them that is healthy for us. Usually this means, you guessed it, establishing boundaries.
Once I decided to break free from abuse and allowing disordered, unhealthy or otherwise toxic people in my life, things began to change quickly. I found myself having to assert over and over again simple rights that should be simply taken for granted.
It was as if every person I encountered (barring my close and personal friends) wanted to test my boundaries to see if they would hold true. I was raised Catholic and have always been easily susceptible to guilt in the past. I can't even begin to tell you how many text messages I received that begin with 'I know you said you didn't want to do X, but it would really help me if just this one time you would make an exception. (Insert hard luck story here).'
I had to really put my foot down, and I did end up losing some 'friends' over it. It also created some distance between me and my family. I now no longer hesitate to state what is right for me and stick to it....
It won't always be easy.
But...
I found that each time I asserted myself, it was like I took back a peace of myself that I had lost all of those years I had spent abused.
As for your sister, let her find her own ride! She is a grown woman! and you know what? All those years I gave up my money or time to help people who refused to help themselves or change their financial predicament, I was only enabling them to not live fully in their truth, to not find out or discover a source of livelihood that would both make them happy and financially stable. I was robbing them of the opportunity to stand on their own two feet and become the fully developed human beings they were and are capable of being.
There is a payoff in always being the rescuer, and that is that we also become someone's savior. It is almost god-like in it's belief that we can change someone's life in ways they are incapable of doing for themselves. The truth is that they are just as capable as we are of taking responsibility for who they are and where they are at in life and changing it.
Bluntly put, but gosh when I get going... LOL!
I met with my therapist today and she said all of what you all said and most importantly what Freedom you said, setting healthy boundries that work for ME.
I choose no longer to allow people to guilt me, although it is much easier said then done, my motivation is my children. For them I will do ANYTHING! And if that means setting boundries with my family that will make me be "The selfish bitch who only thinks about herself and her kids". THEN SO BE IT!!!!
Here is the latest, because my dad is so worried about telling my mom how financially dependent my sister is on him and in fact how much money my dad gives my sister that he doesn't tell my mom about, he rented a mini van for me, my kids and my sister and is paying for it 100% and my sister and I only need to split the gas.
I hate owing anyone anything. I don't ever want to feel indebted to anyone and therefore I even offered my dad the money I was going to pay for my rental car to him and he wouldn't take it.
My therapist told me that it is something with me and that I should just enjoy that I don't have to pay for the rental car.