HUGS to you. There's nothing wrong with you honey. It's HIM who has the problem. No one deserves to be treated like that, but they are so good at tearing down our self-esteem.

teddy, it's a real mind-melting game, isn't it? This almost exact thing happened to me one time with my ex...and I do mean once because it was so devastating, I kept my mouth shut after that...

The fact is, they can't take any kind of criticism...not even criticism, but suggestions, or you expressing your needs. Why? Because you don't have any needs, wants, opinions, or choice....the universe revolves around him, and you are at his disposal for whatever needs he has.

That's the harsh reality of being with someone like this. The only way to deal with it is: have no expectations other than they are who they are and you adapt by disengaging emotionally, or get out.

When my ex and I had conflict, he usually wound up going for the guilt trip, and played BIG TIME on my fear of abandonment (which he caused). "You deserve better" was his stock phrase, especially when he was putting me through D&D. The secret message there was, "Do things my way, or I'm out of here!"
And...My ex was a total martyr. After a while, I just wanted to drag the violin out..

They have the same playbook, I swear. The fact is, he is actually right, there ~ you DO deserve better! (But when he says it, he's only saying if for sympathy...)

There is nothing wrong with YOU, it's him. I encourage you to seek a good therapist who really understands what you're going through, and help you take steps to start a new, happier life away from the crazy-maker. You're right, this is unhealthy for your boys too.
Take good care

He has trained you to think that way. When my ex had me pinned against a wall because he was trying to keep me from leaving him I was thinking to myself - just brace yourself because he is going to hurt you bad and you deserve it. Even though this was the first time he had done something like that, I felt that I deserved it. I was trained to think that whatever he did/said to me was because of how I acted.

There is nothing wrong with you. You have stayed for so long because you are loyal and you have fought for your marriage. While he is doing things to ruin it you are trying to keep it together.

The fighting over sex is sexual abuse. My ex wanted sex all the time and if I didn't want it he would just guilt trip me until I gave in. You have a right to say no and be respected for that decision - no matter who you are saying no to.

His talking about how he is a piece of crap and screwing up is him trying to make you feel guilty for him. He is playing the 'poor me card' to bush your buttons because he knows you are a caring person and care about his feelings. And he wants you to tell him that he is not a piece of crap. He wants your sympathy.

And he got to hear exactly what he was fishing for - that you don't deserve better. He made you say it for him so he didn't have to. That is bullying. When you say those things about yourself you are doing his job for him so he doesn't have to.

You are opening your eyes to what is happening. You are realizing it is not a healthy relationship. Keep posting and listening to others who have gone through the same things.

I am so sorry you are going throught this but know that you have friends here who care about you and understand and want to support you.

There is nothing wrong with you....you are probably holding the whole family together for the kids? Don't regret words, only regret actions...do what you can to focus on you and your kids. You should never have sex when you don't want to. Hugs to you...

Thank you to everyone for your kind words. I seriously felt like I was loosing my mind. I keep thinking that I should just "buck up" and stay, but it is getting more and more difficult to do.

Oh Teddy - I so identify with what you went through - I had a husband years ago that did the same thing to me. First he abuses you then he wants you to feel sorry for him for his being the jerk that abuses you. Talk about a double bind!

No wonder you felt like you were losing your mind - that is mind-boggling stuff. It makes no sense and trying to make sense out of it can make a person feel very crazy.

He might want to think about his approach to sexual relations - yelling at his wife is probably not going to set the mood very well. He sounds very self-absorbed - is he always this thoughtless?

Yes, he is always this self absorbed. To make matters worse, I found out this summer that he had answered a personals ad that he found on Craigslist under the men seeking men. Then about a month ago, I was on the computer and went to type www. into the address bar and the recent history came up and it was gay porn and married men who are unhappy sites. He tried to tell me that it must just be left over from this summer, but he cleans the computer almost everyday. I don't think that it is possible to stay on the computer that long and since then, I have kept an eye on what comes up, and it is only the sites that I have been shopping at. He has lied to me from day one and I guess it is going to just continue.

He sounds like he has a whole boatload of issues that he needs to deal with.

The husband I mentioned before also lied ALL of the time. Even if the truth would have had good results - he'd lie.

I finally had to leave that husband to save my sanity. He moved on to essentially destroy another wife. Narcissists don't change because they see no reason to change and it sounds like you may be in a no-win situation. Good luck with this.