Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am so angry at myself!!! Really, really mad!! Why did I ever think I could be friends with this man?
I have been sick. Perhaps it is being at home too long by myself, having time to think or just being lonely, that made me miss him. I started to think about all the good feelings, the experiences we have shared, and the things that I have done wrong/how I have hurt him. I began to ache inside, and this anger that was holding me away from him began to melt. I just missed him. I missed the way he used to make me feel when things were good.
I thought that maybe we could really be friends this time. Finally. I mentally justified his horrible behavior by thinking that is was caused because we were in a relationship. Right now, I think it is because he is a shitty human being. I feel horrible even saying that!
I am so disappointed in myself. I left an abusive relationship 6 years ago, only to wind up with a man who treats me like I am nothing. I want so much to believe that what we shared was real, that he LOVED me, that I tried again, one last chance to show me that he could be a decent human being, and he failed!!!
I think he is with another girl tonight. I feel so easily replaced and disposible. It makes me sick!!!
I had a dream last night about his ex-wife. She told me everything about their life together, the things he lied about, the real way he left, how she felt about me, and how much pain he caused her before she found peace. She told me that he wasn't worth the pain he caused me, that I would never get closure, that he didn't even know who he was himself. She was so peaceful and calm, serene. I wished I felt the same way.
I woke up in the middle of the night sweaty and feeling sick to my stomach. I couldn't go back to sleep. I have a deeply spiritual side, and I believe this dream came for a reason... To help me gather the courage to walk away.
I have been sick. Perhaps it is being at home too long by myself, having time to think or just being lonely, that made me miss him. I started to think about all the good feelings, the experiences we have shared, and the things that I have done wrong/how I have hurt him. I began to ache inside, and this anger that was holding me away from him began to melt. I just missed him. I missed the way he used to make me feel when things were good.
I thought that maybe we could really be friends this time. Finally. I mentally justified his horrible behavior by thinking that is was caused because we were in a relationship. Right now, I think it is because he is a shitty human being. I feel horrible even saying that!
I am so disappointed in myself. I left an abusive relationship 6 years ago, only to wind up with a man who treats me like I am nothing. I want so much to believe that what we shared was real, that he LOVED me, that I tried again, one last chance to show me that he could be a decent human being, and he failed!!!
I think he is with another girl tonight. I feel so easily replaced and disposible. It makes me sick!!!
I had a dream last night about his ex-wife. She told me everything about their life together, the things he lied about, the real way he left, how she felt about me, and how much pain he caused her before she found peace. She told me that he wasn't worth the pain he caused me, that I would never get closure, that he didn't even know who he was himself. She was so peaceful and calm, serene. I wished I felt the same way.
I woke up in the middle of the night sweaty and feeling sick to my stomach. I couldn't go back to sleep. I have a deeply spiritual side, and I believe this dream came for a reason... To help me gather the courage to walk away.
Please try the no contact again and remember, he will DO ANYTHING and SAY ANYTHING to get you back. It takes extreme willpower to stay strong when he is trying to get you back in his trap.
Once he has you back the abuse gets much worse.
Sending tons of support and hugs
Also, what he does is no reflection on you. I know how it is to feel worthless and unlovable because someone treated me that way. But it's not true - it reflects on him, not on you, since we are ALL valuable and lovable. The fact that someone treats a diamond as cut glass doesn't turn the diamond into cut glass ... it just makes that someone a fool.
Know your own worth - entirely separate from what he thinks of you. And have a plan for the next time the urge takes you. Have a friend you can call, come on here, journal, take a bath, take a walk, read/write the index cards, whatever will work to get your mind back on track. And remember how well breaking contact went this time.
You can do this. You have been given the gift of knowing what he's truly like and how little he values you, plus the dream showing it's not you it's him - he did it to his ex, he did it to you and he will do it to whoever he is with next. It's who he is, not who you are.
Sometimes we have to go back around again to see that were we where in the first place was the right place to be(no contact)
U said about wishing it was real, I too had this feeling and I've come to see that I can't possibly find out if he really loved me or not, but that it didn't matter!
It's was real to u Hun, it meant something to u, you loved him!!! So it was real, it really did happen! Love existed in that relationship!
Move forward.
Abusers are abusers are abusers.
That's why they can't be our "friends."
Most of us have to learn this
sad fact the hard way.
Love yourself and
keep moving forward.
Hugs and healing thoughts.
I think your dream was healthy and possibly a desire for confirmation from someone else who has been with him. But you really don't need confirmation from her because all of us here have been with his replica, or a very similiar version of him. We know. The main thing to remember is that your feelings were sincere. if his weren't, that has nothing to do with you or you not being good enough. No one is good enough for long to an abuser. if he was with someone else, it won't last either. She will devalued and disposed of too. It is the abuser's pattern.
The most important thing for you to remember is the way he treated you, had absolutely nothing to do with you or what you did or didn't do or what you did or didn't say.