i just found out that i have an abusive side ot me still. i thought that i had worked on it when i finished drinking, but evidently not enough. I will tell the story, of how it originated, and then the consequential build-up, and then of how i figured out what i need to do.
Ok, does anyone remember that post i had a little while ago about the argument that my g/f and i had at the party?(for those in the dark i made a journal entry) Well... i felt somewhat abandoned and alone that night, and it caused my alcoholic brain to go kick in(still sober... just flawed) and well... it was subconcious... so my actions and words were 2 different things. with my actions i was trying to distance her, but with my words i was trying to grow emotionally with her. this caused her ot be very confused... and well... i think that she might have a somewhat abusive streak in her as well, it is just right now i am trying to clean my side of the street... anyway i digressed. So... she was confused and just started nit-picking and finding fault in almost everything that i did... and most things that i did were causing her to be hurt, a little more each time... so while they were not rguments that we had... we had "discussions" every night...and it was very stressful, on both of us... and neither of us liked it... and well, after the discussions we felt better and were optimistic... but the next day invariably brought other hurts along... well... i finally came to my wits end... and started getting dismissive of her feelings. i would listen to what she had to say, and then come up with some little formulaic saying... and then, i started responding by saying that i don't know what to do and i don't know what you want from me. I was at my wits end, and my alcoholic brain twisting my POV to where i felt like i was doing everything i could to work on the relationship where in reality i was truly doing nothing. Just taking a lot of time going about it.
Well, it reached a head the weekend of my birthday(also the weekend of moving to my new place)
So my birthday rolls around, and Kim comes over... and well, as usual, everything starts out all hunky-dory... and we go out to dinner. At dinner, i was very excited, it was my birthday, and we went to a rest. where they do the song and give you a cake for free... andi had never had that... so i was very excited... well, during the dinner, we had ggone from being very warm to eachother, to her just closing up on me. Well, as the cake was starting to get brought up, Kim said that she was going to the bathroom(she was uncomfortable with the singing in public), and i got a wounded puppy look on my face, so she stayed for me to get the cake, and she just hid her face... so now i was hurt too. Well, the rest of the evening there was just this undercurrent coming off of her, and it was making me edgy... and we started another "discussion" with which i finally just yelled "enough!" I was immediately apologetic, but i had still done it.
The next day, business as useual, just very busy because of the whole moving thing... but another discussion that night.
And sundeay was when we finally got to the root of what the problem was. She felt that i was jeolous of her going out with friends(which i am not... that was her putting that on herself, and that all that our discussions had come to was me replying that i don't know what to do.
At that point i stepped outside for a few minutes to think clearly... and well... that was when i realized that i had been becoming emotionally abusive.
And we finally had a discussion that led somewhere. And well... i am going to be going to counseling, as soon as i can. no delays... i have to root this evil thing out of me... and i don't think i can do this without professional help.
So yeah...to all of you on ehre... i might have to break up with Kim... not because i don't love her, but because i do... because i will not treat her wrong... and i have been.
God damn why od i have to be such a piece of shit.