Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Well surprise surprise... u called me and tell me yet again that u arent coming home. Huh.. what a surprise.. you running away from your problems again and drinking...
maybe not till tomorrow night or the next...sooo fucking stupid.. pick a fight with your wife who can barely move,, slam the door,, and left her so she could pick up the house and get their kids supper and baths.. and get their backpacks together, while doing laundry, the dishes and made Homemade chicken dumpling soup... WHILE ur wife is sick with a fever,,,,and a kidney infection, and plus when u know the emergency room doc wanted to keep me in the hospital
So u can get mad like 3 year old .. and slam out of the house, and let her handle it all..because I told u to stop yelling and swearing in front of my 4 year old, and the only reason u did because I said I was gonna start recording you....walk out even though I can barely walk...plus I will get them both up tomorrow and myself... get the ready for school and daycare... feed them, then get myself ready.... but u go ahead and SLEEP it off somewhere ,,,
But you know what asshole . I wouldnt let you know that I hurt, I wouldnt want you to know that I needed help, because that would make me weak in front of u. and even if I have to DIE trying I can and will make it through this shit. fuck u for making me feel this way .. and fuck everything... for thinking that I deserve this shit...
Thank u soo much for leaving so I could sit here and cry to myself, #1 knowing I hurt bad, and #2 My husband who "says" he doesnt want to lose his family.. is just not getting it... he just is tooo fucking blind to open up his eyes....
Fuck u for making me have anxiety for finally standing up to u and finally going out without u knowing my life will be hell when I get home because I will be blamed and accused of things I never did...
Fuck you for the numerous times u have done this to me over and over again.. Fuck you for breaking shit around here when u dont get ur way...
fuck u. for breaking my cell phone in half when I said I was gonna call my dad to come and help me get u out....
AND FUCK U for then flipping the mattress over.. in the bedroom
Fuck you.. for flipping the computer desk over
Fuck you for ripping blinds, curtain and shower curtains down
Fuck u for leaving me at my friends house,,, when u were ready to go and just driving off.. with me no way to get home, cause I didnt move fast enough for you.... fuck u for the numerous times.. you have called me a bitch, slut, whore fuck u for the all the times.. you just didnt come home, and went out drinking instead.
Fuck you for all of the girls events u didnt show up to... jadens first conference... cause u were at a bar somewhere. Fuck u for all the HOLIDAYS.. you have made hell for me.. either because u dont come and I have to make excuses for you, or because u get to drunk the night before
AND You know what.. mother fucker sick of u telling me that people dont like me... good.. I am glad.. they dont. fine.. whatever. I can live with myself. Can you live with yourself?
but then FUCKKKK U... for me sitting in a chair and u coming up behind me and start aggressively holding onto my shoulders while u try to kiss my neck (KNOWING I DONT WANT U TO TOUCH ME) me having TO GET UP and turn and face you .. and u keep coming at me... FUCK U for backing me up against the wall making me feel weak yet again, asking me 7 to 8 times that I have to want it..and that YES we are... and then (me knowing how pissed off ur gonna be when I say it again) when I tell you NO I dont want to have sex with you,,,,,,,
and OF course freaking out on me,,,,,do you fucking understand THAT EMOTIONALLY I am just not there with you.. I am NOT A FUCKING plaything u can take off the shelf and play with because u want to... have sex... WHY WOULD I WANT TO? I AM NOT someone who can just HAVE SEX with someone who treats me LIKE SHIT and not even sure I WANT to be with anymore U MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WHORE.. come on... if u want me...... WIN ME BACK.. fucking try.. otherwise just leave me alone.. then lets stop all together forget this shit
God I am just tired
Do you know why I let you leave?
I am embarrassed of this shit happening in front of my friends and family.
The unpredictability of not knowing which side of you I was coming home to. Or, watching the big-mouth monster in you come out slowly with each crack of the beer can. Or, wondering how many cans of beer you were downing when you were out... Because you deserved them. You deserved them for doing exactly what????
Not coming home at night a lot of nights, and then expecting me to forget and forgive, it was always my fault some way some how the reason why u didnt come home.
Criticizing my taste in just about everything including my friends, my taste and my taste in music.
Making me cry. Countless numbers of times. I'm a really strong person, but it was intentionality of all of it that hurt the most. You're supposed to love me and care for me. Not hurt me. Especially not on purpose. What kind of guy would do that to someone they love?
Calling me names. Slut.. being the most recent one. What did I do to deserve that...let's see. A big fat nothing. That anxiety that I feel at night, when I try to go out without you, with my friends. The anxiety I feel from talking with someone.. cause I know u wouldnt like it
Judging my friends. Is it the mirror image that hurt? You have a mighty big set if you're going to call the kettle black ?
You know why I let you leave without a fight?
Because I realized that you are a bully and verbally abusive. I'm just stunned that it took me so long to see it. Many of the other people in my life saw it.
No one in my life has treated me as badly as you treat me. I would NEVER treat people the way that you treated me.
So, can you come back? I don't think so. I just wonder when I'm going to have the nerve to tell you. The demons that haunt you go way deeper than one month of recovery is going to cure. Re-read this entry and then tell me how it's going to be different next time.
Fucking sick and tired of u and ur shit, tired of the lies you tell, and the tangle of beliefs and truths you have figured out in your head....
Jesus... fuck it...
so tired of crying and being lonely... All I want is to smile again... to have someone hold me again.. to have someone love me again.
I fucking hurt..... and U dont even care..... thats kills me... you need to decide.. if u really want to win my love backyou havent shown me shit... besides taking the excuse that I need time .. to go out and drink and party and feel sorry for yourself... But then expect me to sleep with u like all of this means nothing. U have done nothing to change. I will not go back to that place with you again.. I will not continue this shit anymore. U decide and u start seeing the things u need to CHANGE IN YOURSELF. and ACKNOWLEDGE the things u have done to me and continue to do to me.
Yes I have said things to u in the past..... that werent right... but I have done that because of you and ur actions... the things u do and say to me arent normal
you need to get a job... I DONT FREAKING CARE ....WE NEED THE MONEY.. get a JOB .. if u want this marriage, be a grownup GET A JOB why wouldnt u do everythign POSSIBLE to get money and work? yah its winter and u get unemployment... BUT work... winter doesnt mena u get to drink and go out with ur buddies You need to STOP the drinking....u dont know how to quit drinking.. u turn to drinking when ur stressed and hell for fucking everything u do You need to get anger management therepy WE need to go to counseling individualy and together.... individually first.. You need to START acting like a MAN .. and START doing things that a grown up does.... there is NO DAMN reason... for #1.. in the morning.. no reason why u arent UP WITH ME.. helping me with the kids and getting them 2 school and getting them ready.. why DO u get to sleep in all the damn time? I dont get it... HELP FUCKING OUT u arent a teenager who gets to sleep all the time.. HELP ME> NO REASON U ARE SLEEPING IN EVERY DAY and that u get to sleep in every damn weekend.... U ALWAYS THINK why shouldnt I sleep in... get the hell up and do something well guess what I AM SICK AND TIRED of having to do everything MYSELF.....get THE FLYING fuck out of BED and help out and DO SHIT around the house.. clean.. fix shit.. HELL FUCKING SHOVEL.. Jesus Christ EVERYTIME... U run away from ur problems..... U run and go drink somewhere... and thats ur excuse... to get out and drink and to yet again instead of facing the problems head-on.. you fucking run to your buddies and drink.. WTF do you think that is gonna get you?Its certainly not gonna get me back.... FUCKING grow up already... get fucking help and I will to,..... JC your 34 years old and u act like ur 20.. with no responsibilities.... YOU need help from ur drinkingYou need help with the anger problems.. and u need to find yourself.. and decide whether or not your ready to begin to be a adult with grown up problems and be ready to fix shit a grownup way instead of running away...and STOP blaming EVERYONE else for the problems U CREATED in the first place. Stop fucking with my head and emotions. Either get ur shit together or leave me and my girls alone. and u have ALOT OF FIXING to do with me...ALOTTTTTTT and right now u arent doing a very good job.... fucking start... or I am walking with the girls... I am tired of this teenage bullshit.. I want a man in my life not a little boy. and this doesnt mean that we will even be able to fix shit and get US back... hell I dont even know If I want to DEAL with this stupid ass shit anymore.. I feel like I am taking care of a teenager... for fuck sakes...whether u can win me back I dont know I know I dont want to be with the man I am with now. whether u can change.. I dont know thats for u to decide and change... but fucking start or I am out. BUT JC its a FUCKING START.. you have alot of shit to admit, stop trying to blame everyone and anything else on the problems u have created for yourself...... and alot of shit to make up for .. if u canNO REASON shit isnt done around the house everyday.. .. EVERYDAY.... DECIDE NOW to change yourself and admit Or seriously me and the girls are out.
STOP FUCKING RUNNING and DRINKING ur problems away THEY ARENT going ANYWHERE YOUR JUST MAKING EVERYTHING WORSE
maybe not till tomorrow night or the next...sooo fucking stupid.. pick a fight with your wife who can barely move,, slam the door,, and left her so she could pick up the house and get their kids supper and baths.. and get their backpacks together, while doing laundry, the dishes and made Homemade chicken dumpling soup... WHILE ur wife is sick with a fever,,,,and a kidney infection, and plus when u know the emergency room doc wanted to keep me in the hospital
So u can get mad like 3 year old .. and slam out of the house, and let her handle it all..because I told u to stop yelling and swearing in front of my 4 year old, and the only reason u did because I said I was gonna start recording you....walk out even though I can barely walk...plus I will get them both up tomorrow and myself... get the ready for school and daycare... feed them, then get myself ready.... but u go ahead and SLEEP it off somewhere ,,,
But you know what asshole . I wouldnt let you know that I hurt, I wouldnt want you to know that I needed help, because that would make me weak in front of u. and even if I have to DIE trying I can and will make it through this shit. fuck u for making me feel this way .. and fuck everything... for thinking that I deserve this shit...
Thank u soo much for leaving so I could sit here and cry to myself, #1 knowing I hurt bad, and #2 My husband who "says" he doesnt want to lose his family.. is just not getting it... he just is tooo fucking blind to open up his eyes....
Fuck u for making me have anxiety for finally standing up to u and finally going out without u knowing my life will be hell when I get home because I will be blamed and accused of things I never did...
Fuck you for the numerous times u have done this to me over and over again.. Fuck you for breaking shit around here when u dont get ur way...
fuck u. for breaking my cell phone in half when I said I was gonna call my dad to come and help me get u out....
AND FUCK U for then flipping the mattress over.. in the bedroom
Fuck you.. for flipping the computer desk over
Fuck you for ripping blinds, curtain and shower curtains down
Fuck u for leaving me at my friends house,,, when u were ready to go and just driving off.. with me no way to get home, cause I didnt move fast enough for you.... fuck u for the numerous times.. you have called me a bitch, slut, whore fuck u for the all the times.. you just didnt come home, and went out drinking instead.
Fuck you for all of the girls events u didnt show up to... jadens first conference... cause u were at a bar somewhere. Fuck u for all the HOLIDAYS.. you have made hell for me.. either because u dont come and I have to make excuses for you, or because u get to drunk the night before
AND You know what.. mother fucker sick of u telling me that people dont like me... good.. I am glad.. they dont. fine.. whatever. I can live with myself. Can you live with yourself?
but then FUCKKKK U... for me sitting in a chair and u coming up behind me and start aggressively holding onto my shoulders while u try to kiss my neck (KNOWING I DONT WANT U TO TOUCH ME) me having TO GET UP and turn and face you .. and u keep coming at me... FUCK U for backing me up against the wall making me feel weak yet again, asking me 7 to 8 times that I have to want it..and that YES we are... and then (me knowing how pissed off ur gonna be when I say it again) when I tell you NO I dont want to have sex with you,,,,,,,
and OF course freaking out on me,,,,,do you fucking understand THAT EMOTIONALLY I am just not there with you.. I am NOT A FUCKING plaything u can take off the shelf and play with because u want to... have sex... WHY WOULD I WANT TO? I AM NOT someone who can just HAVE SEX with someone who treats me LIKE SHIT and not even sure I WANT to be with anymore U MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A WHORE.. come on... if u want me...... WIN ME BACK.. fucking try.. otherwise just leave me alone.. then lets stop all together forget this shit
God I am just tired
Do you know why I let you leave?
I am embarrassed of this shit happening in front of my friends and family.
The unpredictability of not knowing which side of you I was coming home to. Or, watching the big-mouth monster in you come out slowly with each crack of the beer can. Or, wondering how many cans of beer you were downing when you were out... Because you deserved them. You deserved them for doing exactly what????
Not coming home at night a lot of nights, and then expecting me to forget and forgive, it was always my fault some way some how the reason why u didnt come home.
Criticizing my taste in just about everything including my friends, my taste and my taste in music.
Making me cry. Countless numbers of times. I'm a really strong person, but it was intentionality of all of it that hurt the most. You're supposed to love me and care for me. Not hurt me. Especially not on purpose. What kind of guy would do that to someone they love?
Calling me names. Slut.. being the most recent one. What did I do to deserve that...let's see. A big fat nothing. That anxiety that I feel at night, when I try to go out without you, with my friends. The anxiety I feel from talking with someone.. cause I know u wouldnt like it
Judging my friends. Is it the mirror image that hurt? You have a mighty big set if you're going to call the kettle black ?
You know why I let you leave without a fight?
Because I realized that you are a bully and verbally abusive. I'm just stunned that it took me so long to see it. Many of the other people in my life saw it.
No one in my life has treated me as badly as you treat me. I would NEVER treat people the way that you treated me.
So, can you come back? I don't think so. I just wonder when I'm going to have the nerve to tell you. The demons that haunt you go way deeper than one month of recovery is going to cure. Re-read this entry and then tell me how it's going to be different next time.
Fucking sick and tired of u and ur shit, tired of the lies you tell, and the tangle of beliefs and truths you have figured out in your head....
Jesus... fuck it...
so tired of crying and being lonely... All I want is to smile again... to have someone hold me again.. to have someone love me again.
I fucking hurt..... and U dont even care..... thats kills me... you need to decide.. if u really want to win my love backyou havent shown me shit... besides taking the excuse that I need time .. to go out and drink and party and feel sorry for yourself... But then expect me to sleep with u like all of this means nothing. U have done nothing to change. I will not go back to that place with you again.. I will not continue this shit anymore. U decide and u start seeing the things u need to CHANGE IN YOURSELF. and ACKNOWLEDGE the things u have done to me and continue to do to me.
Yes I have said things to u in the past..... that werent right... but I have done that because of you and ur actions... the things u do and say to me arent normal
you need to get a job... I DONT FREAKING CARE ....WE NEED THE MONEY.. get a JOB .. if u want this marriage, be a grownup GET A JOB why wouldnt u do everythign POSSIBLE to get money and work? yah its winter and u get unemployment... BUT work... winter doesnt mena u get to drink and go out with ur buddies You need to STOP the drinking....u dont know how to quit drinking.. u turn to drinking when ur stressed and hell for fucking everything u do You need to get anger management therepy WE need to go to counseling individualy and together.... individually first.. You need to START acting like a MAN .. and START doing things that a grown up does.... there is NO DAMN reason... for #1.. in the morning.. no reason why u arent UP WITH ME.. helping me with the kids and getting them 2 school and getting them ready.. why DO u get to sleep in all the damn time? I dont get it... HELP FUCKING OUT u arent a teenager who gets to sleep all the time.. HELP ME> NO REASON U ARE SLEEPING IN EVERY DAY and that u get to sleep in every damn weekend.... U ALWAYS THINK why shouldnt I sleep in... get the hell up and do something well guess what I AM SICK AND TIRED of having to do everything MYSELF.....get THE FLYING fuck out of BED and help out and DO SHIT around the house.. clean.. fix shit.. HELL FUCKING SHOVEL.. Jesus Christ EVERYTIME... U run away from ur problems..... U run and go drink somewhere... and thats ur excuse... to get out and drink and to yet again instead of facing the problems head-on.. you fucking run to your buddies and drink.. WTF do you think that is gonna get you?Its certainly not gonna get me back.... FUCKING grow up already... get fucking help and I will to,..... JC your 34 years old and u act like ur 20.. with no responsibilities.... YOU need help from ur drinkingYou need help with the anger problems.. and u need to find yourself.. and decide whether or not your ready to begin to be a adult with grown up problems and be ready to fix shit a grownup way instead of running away...and STOP blaming EVERYONE else for the problems U CREATED in the first place. Stop fucking with my head and emotions. Either get ur shit together or leave me and my girls alone. and u have ALOT OF FIXING to do with me...ALOTTTTTTT and right now u arent doing a very good job.... fucking start... or I am walking with the girls... I am tired of this teenage bullshit.. I want a man in my life not a little boy. and this doesnt mean that we will even be able to fix shit and get US back... hell I dont even know If I want to DEAL with this stupid ass shit anymore.. I feel like I am taking care of a teenager... for fuck sakes...whether u can win me back I dont know I know I dont want to be with the man I am with now. whether u can change.. I dont know thats for u to decide and change... but fucking start or I am out. BUT JC its a FUCKING START.. you have alot of shit to admit, stop trying to blame everyone and anything else on the problems u have created for yourself...... and alot of shit to make up for .. if u canNO REASON shit isnt done around the house everyday.. .. EVERYDAY.... DECIDE NOW to change yourself and admit Or seriously me and the girls are out.
STOP FUCKING RUNNING and DRINKING ur problems away THEY ARENT going ANYWHERE YOUR JUST MAKING EVERYTHING WORSE
I agree with Ming: seek serenity.
Keep writing, keep journalling, get it all out but keep it for yourself.
Take care. xx
You are only responsible for the 2 kids you made not the third, he sounds like a 3rd child to me,
Im someone whos come out the other side,mine was a cannabis addict exactly same,he wouldnt get out of bed,wouldnt work ran around with his mates like a fucking teenager. Age 26 i got rid of my 4th child,the responsability of him was worse than my 3 kids put together! I had to live on benefits at times because lack of affordable childcare,but it was great having him out the house.
My kids are aged 20,22 and 24 now,and they cant understand why i put up with him and it isnt because they dont see him,he maintained a better relationship with them,they love him as their father but they have no respect for him as a man.
Its soul destroying..and I felt like crying reading it, because I've been there..and I also have had the same frustration and terrible hurt and pain..and was aso left to do every single thing on my own..and he didn't care one bit either...
I can still hear your hope that he will change..and your dream of a good life with him if he would only wake up and get sorted...Sadly, all that is in his hands...
That is very good advise to get to Al-Anon as soon as you can...
Hes a lazy ass and very abusive alcoholic..who is destroying you..
You don't need him in your life..and until he shows any will to change..theres not going to be any point in being anywhere near him..
Please start to focus on you and yur children..The important things..And look after yourself..hes already proved..That hes not only not going to look after you..But that hes only going to keep hurting you..and wrecking your life..
I would not give it to him either, he will use it as a weapon, he will only decipher the parts he wants to use, the rest will be farted at as a wife that has lost the plot cos shes stressed and psychotic, he will use it against you.
keep writing, keep reading over it, let it sink in, cos sometimes we minimise the extent of it, we blame ourselves or find things we "coulda, woulda, shoulda" done to make it better.................in reality, you are fighting a losing battle with an addict..............gain power and strength, and by god you have it(from what you've written here)fight for your children and plan a way to get out and do whatever it takes to keep your family safe.
brilliant post, truly gut wrenching, ties me in knots, but we all would relate in some way or another.
Express your strength by not engaging, by being ok with YOU, and by coming to the point where you have no expectations of him whatsoever. Better yet, expect him to be exactly who he is, and you can stop being hurt by who he is. Disempower him. If you are going to leave, leave. But if you are not going to leave, then just get yourself 'ok' in your midst. I'm not saying to be ok with his behavior. Don't accept it. Certainly, let him leave without a fight. If you are legitimately in fear of him, do leave, indeed, and quickly. Get a restraining order. But if you need to time develop a plan, and don't feel like its a must leave NOW situation, then change what you can change. YOU. If you weren't with him, you wouldn't have him home to nurse you through your current health things. You wouldn't have his help if he was gone, and you don't have his help with him not gone. So not having his help needs to become a nonissue. Each thing that you do without him helping you is just another testimony to all that you CAN do without him. Let it fuel your selfconfidence rather than your selfpity. Don't take that wrong, you have every reason to feel sorry for yourself if you choose to, but just realise that the choice to feed such feelings only stands to rob you of your strength and energy, and ultimately gives more of your power to him. If you are able to do all the things that you are doing, even if it sucks in your situation, then take a moment to look into the mirror and praise that you CAN do it, rather than praising that it sucks. Perspective perspective perspective. Honor yourself and realize your true strength. If you can hire someone to help you, do. If you can't, ask a friend for help, ask a neighbor. someone. If you don't have anyone to ask, go out and make some friends, find some real support in your community, join alanon. something. But if you don't have people, don't use the drama of your situation as conversation pieces for new relationships. Its one thing to be honest about your situation, but its another to weigh people down with the true heaviness of it all. Try having a cup of coffee with a friend or acquaintance and making it a point to not make a single mention of your husband, his antics. Start building yourself up by taking the power away from him.
Having him read what you wrote isn't going to make him wake up. its only going to expose the depth of your emotions and show him how much power he has to hurt you. You have to find that place in yourself where its all disarmed... where he don't have that power anymore. You can do it, and you can do it without going numb. Do it in love. Realize that he is who he is not because he is a wicked evil monster, but because he is a sad pathetic little boy with grave issues... that he is fearful! I'm not saying that you should accept his behavior at all. But for your own peace of mind and heart, you would do well to accept his humanity... he is hurting you for one reason and one reason only. The same reason that anyone hurts anyone. Because he is hurting. Protect yourself by learning how to love him from a distance. Most likely, he is not going to change. He is going to be exactly who you know him to be. He is not going to magically start to care or understand. Actually, I bet that it is because he does care in his own twisted and dysfunctional way that he is so volatile. He likely cares and simultaneously fears that he is not good enough for you >newsflash< and tears you down in order to keep you from realizing it and ultimately leaving him alone and afraid and having to face the truth of who he is. While leaving him might be the best thing for you and the kids... it might also be the only chance of him figuring out who he is. its like a bitter tonic. I'm sorry you are suffering this.
Then do what you have to do to get you and your girls out of there. You don't deserve it and sometimes you have to be the one to protect yourself and your children.
My children and I have been out for 12 years and thank God for it.
God bless and keep you. Karen
Also, as bad as he sounds, he could use this against you in the future.