Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hi All,
I just re-read my first journal entry here. I had orginally intended for it to be a record of my healing, a true portrayal of what my recovery was like, a legacy for other abuse victims. I read my words and I shutter. I was sooo strong when I wrote them. Before I knew about his lies. Before I knew about his betrayels. Before I knew that he really didn't love me. I wish now that I could go back in time and erase all of the things I discovered. I would feel less foolish.
The ripple effects of my childhood abuse seem to be endless at the moment. I am too weak to fight them. I feel like I relived all of my fear, my abuse and the trauma in my childhood through my relationship with my ex. He did nothing but make it worse.
I met with my dad today for lunch after avoiding him for weeks. He always chooses public venues so that I censor what I will say. It doesn't work. However, today I was not in the mood for a big confrontation and just let him talk.
It wasn't long before he was justifying and blaming away his behaviors. It made me hate him. He blamed my mom for not acting authentically and getting frustrated with her. He explained that he knows that he has parts of him that want to say nasty things, things he doesn't really feel, and that he gets frustrated holding them in. He says eventually the top just blows off. I just sat their and stared at him. There was no apology for his actions, just empty words.
I kept thinking of my ex, about how he would sometimes grip the couch so hard his knuckles would turn white, that he would say he needed just a second, that he couldn't 'get over' things as quickly as I could. He do this whenever I asked him for something that required giving anything of himself. My blood would turn cold, I would withdraw within myself and feel like a little girl again, just wanting, asking to be loved, to be held. I would always be punished for asking for something, eventually.
My father and him are both empty of any real empathy. They only care about getting their way and appearences. They were empty, hollow inside, devoid of any real empathy for the suffering they caused.
I felt so incredibly triggered by my father... I never realized until today that whenever I had an encounter with my family, I would reach out to him for protection, for love. He would hold me and tell me it would all be okay. He loved playing the 'good' guy.I wanted so much to go back over to his place, to open a bottle of wine and talk, to cuddle with his dogs and fall asleep in his arms, to feel safe and protected. I know now that person never existed.
It was all an illusion.
I feel so empty and alone. I have friends, but I couldn't explain this to any of them. They would wonder why it is so hard for me to leave. I realize now how much he isolated me from them. He never wanted me to talk about our relationship, accused me of sleeping with people when I went out with my friends, ect. He did everything in his power to make sure I would sit at home alone on my couch, to ensure that when this moment came, I would be alone and weak.
Breaking this cycle, this pattern of abuse, is harder than I thought it could ever be.
I just need some support and hugs!!! :)
I just re-read my first journal entry here. I had orginally intended for it to be a record of my healing, a true portrayal of what my recovery was like, a legacy for other abuse victims. I read my words and I shutter. I was sooo strong when I wrote them. Before I knew about his lies. Before I knew about his betrayels. Before I knew that he really didn't love me. I wish now that I could go back in time and erase all of the things I discovered. I would feel less foolish.
The ripple effects of my childhood abuse seem to be endless at the moment. I am too weak to fight them. I feel like I relived all of my fear, my abuse and the trauma in my childhood through my relationship with my ex. He did nothing but make it worse.
I met with my dad today for lunch after avoiding him for weeks. He always chooses public venues so that I censor what I will say. It doesn't work. However, today I was not in the mood for a big confrontation and just let him talk.
It wasn't long before he was justifying and blaming away his behaviors. It made me hate him. He blamed my mom for not acting authentically and getting frustrated with her. He explained that he knows that he has parts of him that want to say nasty things, things he doesn't really feel, and that he gets frustrated holding them in. He says eventually the top just blows off. I just sat their and stared at him. There was no apology for his actions, just empty words.
I kept thinking of my ex, about how he would sometimes grip the couch so hard his knuckles would turn white, that he would say he needed just a second, that he couldn't 'get over' things as quickly as I could. He do this whenever I asked him for something that required giving anything of himself. My blood would turn cold, I would withdraw within myself and feel like a little girl again, just wanting, asking to be loved, to be held. I would always be punished for asking for something, eventually.
My father and him are both empty of any real empathy. They only care about getting their way and appearences. They were empty, hollow inside, devoid of any real empathy for the suffering they caused.
I felt so incredibly triggered by my father... I never realized until today that whenever I had an encounter with my family, I would reach out to him for protection, for love. He would hold me and tell me it would all be okay. He loved playing the 'good' guy.I wanted so much to go back over to his place, to open a bottle of wine and talk, to cuddle with his dogs and fall asleep in his arms, to feel safe and protected. I know now that person never existed.
It was all an illusion.
I feel so empty and alone. I have friends, but I couldn't explain this to any of them. They would wonder why it is so hard for me to leave. I realize now how much he isolated me from them. He never wanted me to talk about our relationship, accused me of sleeping with people when I went out with my friends, ect. He did everything in his power to make sure I would sit at home alone on my couch, to ensure that when this moment came, I would be alone and weak.
Breaking this cycle, this pattern of abuse, is harder than I thought it could ever be.
I just need some support and hugs!!! :)
I also read your journal to get some context, and I see a lot less disconnect between that and what you write here than you seem to see. Being triggered sucks, but it can sometimes help us see things more clearly too, and I think this post is one of those instances of clarity that come (sometimes) of being triggered.
You are seeing one of the ways in which he hooked you, one of the ways he made himself "superior". You don't need that. You don't need what comes with it, in particular. You ARE strong, you ARE healing and yes ... it IS hard.
For the record, my father was very covertly abusive, to the point I never really realised it. I knew he was a little cold, and that nothing I ever did was good enough, but I didn't see what he was doing to my mother, I only saw the effects - he basically drove her nuts, so she became a paranoid, rage-filled alcoholic. Fun times.
And so now, yes when I go see him I often get triggered. Many of my journals here are filled with realisations and triggers and vents about my father as I am slowly coming to terms with the truth of my life.
It's a long hard road, but the key is that you see the cycle, and you want to break it. You CAN break it. But not by talking to just a different abuser to get past being triggered by the first.
Hugs to you, hope (and know) you'll feel better tomorrow. This, too, shall pass, and you will be left, I hope, with just a little more peace, having found another part of the puzzle.
Just wanted to send you a hug.
You are not alone - we are here.
And you know what? I have read you posts and found them compassionate and caring. An empty person could not respond in that manner.
Breaking NC is tempting when we are hurt and want some comfort (as momentary as it may be). May I suggest you practice self care/love by comforting yourself right now instead of looking elsewhere for comfort? Throw a blanket in the dryer, wrap it around yourself write in your journal, light some cadles. Play your favorite music, order out. take a bath. Call a friend and go out to dinner. Plan something fun to do tomorrow. Prove to yourself that you can provide the comfort you need.This will also boost your confidence. Do it for you!
You are valuable - You are breaking the cycle of abuse. The blinders are off...your future is waiting.
Take care of you,
Seawee