Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
My ex/bf/ whatever-he-is, has been driving me crazy. The last two weeks up until Christmas Eve was filled with the silent treatment. I was not acknowledged in any way from the moment I decided not to come visit him before leaving for the holidays to be with my parents. I decided not to see him because he can't even be bothered to call me. He can text all day long, as long as it is about him/to his benefit, but the moment I needed to talk to him about something serious, suddenly 'he was busy'. Albeit, not to busy to have sex with me later.
Needless to say, he has access to a phone at work and has no trouble calling me if he wants to scream at me, or wants something... It is just when I need help that he is no where to be found.
He is not a good guy, and so far from the man that I thought he was when I met him. I keep wondering if I imagined all the good times we shared. Perhaps that is why it is so hard to let go of hope, to see him for the man he is before my eyes. My heart is breaking.
I can't believe the cruel and selfish things he has done, and the things that I suspect he may have been doing/does. I know I need out. I know I need help.
I keep trying to go no contact, blocking his number ect, and then I just feel so mean, like I am no better than him. I am supposed to go to work tonight and seriously, I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown. I keep asking and praying for strength, and then I just keep crying.
He has been such a big part of my life. I have to admit, that I let him mold and shape me. I sacrificed everything for this man, and it still wasn't enough. I don't think I will ever be enough for ANYBODY. And I know he has brainwashed me to be this way. His manipulation was always to break me down, to say the one thing that would hurt me the most and leave me collapsed on the floor, crying. His words were like knives.
And where is he today? Up skiing!!! Even though I can barely stand. I can hear his words now, 'you are being over-dramatic', but I am not. I am saying how I feel.
I don't know how a man that treated me like dirt could become my whole life.
While I was visiting my family, my dad forced my mom out of a moving car into traffic because she was upset about missing a dinner reservation. I come from a wealthy family, and no one would suspect that this kind of thing occurs, which makes it even more isolating. He hasn't acted this way in years, and even though I was able to get my mom and sister away from my dad, I go crawling back to this asshole, like I am made of nothing.
He has me convinced I will never be with anyone better, and I want a family sooo bad... A healthy family.
Any advice from others who have been in similar situations?
Needless to say, he has access to a phone at work and has no trouble calling me if he wants to scream at me, or wants something... It is just when I need help that he is no where to be found.
He is not a good guy, and so far from the man that I thought he was when I met him. I keep wondering if I imagined all the good times we shared. Perhaps that is why it is so hard to let go of hope, to see him for the man he is before my eyes. My heart is breaking.
I can't believe the cruel and selfish things he has done, and the things that I suspect he may have been doing/does. I know I need out. I know I need help.
I keep trying to go no contact, blocking his number ect, and then I just feel so mean, like I am no better than him. I am supposed to go to work tonight and seriously, I feel like I am on the verge of a breakdown. I keep asking and praying for strength, and then I just keep crying.
He has been such a big part of my life. I have to admit, that I let him mold and shape me. I sacrificed everything for this man, and it still wasn't enough. I don't think I will ever be enough for ANYBODY. And I know he has brainwashed me to be this way. His manipulation was always to break me down, to say the one thing that would hurt me the most and leave me collapsed on the floor, crying. His words were like knives.
And where is he today? Up skiing!!! Even though I can barely stand. I can hear his words now, 'you are being over-dramatic', but I am not. I am saying how I feel.
I don't know how a man that treated me like dirt could become my whole life.
While I was visiting my family, my dad forced my mom out of a moving car into traffic because she was upset about missing a dinner reservation. I come from a wealthy family, and no one would suspect that this kind of thing occurs, which makes it even more isolating. He hasn't acted this way in years, and even though I was able to get my mom and sister away from my dad, I go crawling back to this asshole, like I am made of nothing.
He has me convinced I will never be with anyone better, and I want a family sooo bad... A healthy family.
Any advice from others who have been in similar situations?
can you call your local women's shelter for counsling? you sound like a thoughtful, smart young lady
Abusers always mold their victim, to suit them. They do not have the same feelings you and I do so they do not feel love, hate or pain. Everything they do when they are with you is manipulation.---Both good times and the bad times.
They always try and make the person they are with, feel like they are going crazy, and they ALWAYS blame everything on their victim.
Abusers always manage to make their victim feel they are their whole world no matter how awful the abuser is.
I would run from this abuser you have, as fast as I possibly could, as far away from him as I could get, and I would never look back.
I would never feel sorry for him and I would never feel guilty. He is a full blown abuser who only thinks of himself.
Please, Abusers never get better, only worse.
The only way it is possible to leave an abuser is with no contact.
Block him from contacting you and if he gets through, do NOT answer him.
You will not be sorry in the long run and you will be so glad when you can start living an abuse free life. It will be tough to stat away at first. Be strong for yourself and the chance at real happiness where you can find someone who really loves you. This abuser does not.
He wanted to mold me into what worked for him. No of which worked for me.
I am in the middle of a divorce. Two years is all and I feel like its been 20.
Read posts on here. There is some awesome advice. Good luck.
Abusers LIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
It is hands down the hardest thing you will ever do, but you need to run away, cease contact and never look back. I am two weeks into this traumatic experience and its a killer, but it beats feeling so shit all the time. Feeling ignored/ punished/ persecuted or feeling like I can't do/ say anything right. Feeling shot down, emotionally knackered and run down. I used to lay in bed with him not touching me at all, waiting for him to cuddle me after asking repeatedly, and stare at those horrible curtains thinking "why the hell am I here!?". I'd make sexual advances and get shouted at and pushed away. We'd go for months without having sex and when we did, he'd look bored and half asleep, except once he basically raped me.
Now it's over and I'm gutted (just see my journal!) but I know I can and will be better off without him. The way he made me feel, and the way I feel as a result is unforgivable.
I know it is hard when you have no self worth AT ALL, but things aren't going to improve with him.
Button, I know exactly how you feel. I remember the nights we would spend together, and how he would just turn his back to me. He always kept the heat down so low in his house, and on particulary cold nights I would snuggle up against him and I would feel him stiffen up against me like a board. It made me feel toxic, like my skin was poisonous. I remember night after night staring at the wall, wondering why I was there too... If I was anything more thaan his little plaything. Did I matter to him??? If not, why was I in his bed? Why did he persist in the relationship? Why when he told me to leave, and I listened, did he track me down?
You are right... Emotional wakeboarding, just like you said. He brings me up, only to drop me back down deeper and deeper.
I am still trying to wrap my head around the fact the he lies. He always called me the liar. Yes, there were specific things I did not tell him, but only because he asked me to keep certain details of my life private (like if someone flirted with me, ect.). He said it upset him too much. Then when he discovers something I haven't told him, he berates me. He calls me a liar and tells me that he doesn't believe anything I say, that my entire life is lie.
The truth is, I have no idea what he is doing most of the time!
As I have written this post, I have gone back and deleted a lot of examples about why I feel like a bad person. I can't even write coherent examples, because he twisted everything beyond recognition. Each example just sounds insane! I can't believe the way he twisted my words, and the justifications for his actions.
That feeling of cold rejection... Is hard to forget.
As for lying ... Ilene is absolutely right, and the other thing that abusers do is they project. Anything that an abuser accuses you of is almost certainly something they are doing, or would do in your shoes. So if an abuser accuses you of being a liar, you know they are lying about something. If they accuse you constantly of hiding things, then they have a great many secrets. And if they constantly accuse you of cheating ...
And the self-worth thing, they are very very good at ruining it. And we fall for it. But why? Why does one person, who clearly doesn't respect or care for you as a person, get to determine your worth? Take back that power - determine your OWN worth, and put a proper value on yourself. We are all of us, every single one, valuable and lovable. My ex was a cruel, violent, lying, cheating, lazy drunk - if he's lovable (and he must have been, since I loved him), then how much MORE lovable must we all be, the victims, the people who cared enough to stay and to continue to forgive them?
Just because someone treats a diamond like cut glass, that doesn't change the diamond INTO cut glass, nor does it alter the diamond's inherent value. He treats you like crap - start treating yourself like the amazing and wonderful person you are.