Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
alrighty, i am going to go over last night with you guys, and see if i was wrong, right, or what other actions i should have taken... because... yeah... alright, first a bit of a background.
My girl in in her last semester of college, and she is stressed out, immensely so.
Now, when she gets stressed, she has a tendency to "snap" at people, and many times i have been the brunt of that. she has said that when she does, to call her on it, and well... i have tried this, she first gets more angry for a second, and then she withdraws, to the point where she won't even touch me. Every time i say a little something wrong, such as last week, i asked what time she had to go back to her house the next day, and i got the silent treatment because she didn't like that question.
And, well, she has been VERY stressed recently, sonce EVERY time we are together, i first get passive-aggressively treated, and then get Snapped at. And it appears that i have become uncertain of myself so much now, that i am not confronting her.
Ok, so yesterday, we go to an event, and when she gets out of the cacr, she slammed the door(without thinking) and i asked her, "hey, could you please not slam the door?" to which her reply was, "Uhhh... Sorry(sarcastically)". There were other people around so i decided not to persue it at that time, but her reply hurt me. So first question, was i wrong in taking that personally?
Now, later that evening, i asked her to step aside and we talked...
Ok, so i had decided thati needed to be treated better than she had been treating me. And she asked when she snapped at me today. i told her, and she started crying. and she started sasying, that she doesn't know specifically how i want the door closed. I was floored. That wasn't the point of all this. the point was how she reacted in general, and the fact that i was constantly being snapped at. And that, since it was happening so often right now, i am frozen with doubt. Should i do this, or how will she react if i say that?
I told her that I needed to be treated with more respect. And yes, that is a "Need"
So... second question Should i have waited until we were back home? and also, was what i said correct?
My girl in in her last semester of college, and she is stressed out, immensely so.
Now, when she gets stressed, she has a tendency to "snap" at people, and many times i have been the brunt of that. she has said that when she does, to call her on it, and well... i have tried this, she first gets more angry for a second, and then she withdraws, to the point where she won't even touch me. Every time i say a little something wrong, such as last week, i asked what time she had to go back to her house the next day, and i got the silent treatment because she didn't like that question.
And, well, she has been VERY stressed recently, sonce EVERY time we are together, i first get passive-aggressively treated, and then get Snapped at. And it appears that i have become uncertain of myself so much now, that i am not confronting her.
Ok, so yesterday, we go to an event, and when she gets out of the cacr, she slammed the door(without thinking) and i asked her, "hey, could you please not slam the door?" to which her reply was, "Uhhh... Sorry(sarcastically)". There were other people around so i decided not to persue it at that time, but her reply hurt me. So first question, was i wrong in taking that personally?
Now, later that evening, i asked her to step aside and we talked...
Ok, so i had decided thati needed to be treated better than she had been treating me. And she asked when she snapped at me today. i told her, and she started crying. and she started sasying, that she doesn't know specifically how i want the door closed. I was floored. That wasn't the point of all this. the point was how she reacted in general, and the fact that i was constantly being snapped at. And that, since it was happening so often right now, i am frozen with doubt. Should i do this, or how will she react if i say that?
I told her that I needed to be treated with more respect. And yes, that is a "Need"
So... second question Should i have waited until we were back home? and also, was what i said correct?
i don't really know who was right or wrong in your situation, because i can empathize with both sides...i know that when i'm stressed i need more empathy and grace from my husband....and when he's stressed he needs that from me....
in any case, i'm sorry you are having difficulties right now.....peace bro
I know that her snapping at me... i know that she is using that as a pressure relief valve... it still isn't right though. So i am not going to take it, and i realize that i have been allowing it, so no more.
I was willing to give this gal of your's a break those few months ago at that party.
But not this. This is unacceptable,immature and unhealthy behavior.
Have you joined the Codepentency Group yet? Get your butt over there Jsquirrel.
This woman is manipulating you by: 1. Asking you to point out to her when she is being abusive - that gives you responsibility where you have none. She knows when she is being abusive. She then reabuses (word?) you by withdrawing - that's a diversionary tactict creating confusion;
2. She created confusion by focusing on the slamming of the door when the general issues were obvious to her - you had addressed the abusive behavior before and she knew it wasn't just the door - another diversionary tactic - result is confusion for you,;
3. She cried when confronted rather than dealing with it in a staight forward manner - another diversionary action that is confusing.
No you were not wrong in taking the door slamming personally - it was personal. If she always slammed the door when she got out - then - who knows - but I doubt that is the case.
This appears to be affecting you generally - and I thiink you are in a very destructive relationship. I have been where you are and I lost vast amounts of myself while in two different, very abusive relationships. It is not your job to soak up her abuse - so that she can feel better. Stressed out or not - you are not a dumping ground for her issues.
Yes what you said was correct - you hit the nail on the head and no - you should not have waitied to address the issue. When you're being abused
the abuser feels there is never a right time to address the abuse and therefore any time you confront it is a bad time for them - always.
I don't think abusers change.
Just because you're stressed out, does not mean you don't have to be accountable for your actions. She sounds like she needs to accept her actions and start realizing the impact they have on others.
I really, really wish you the best of luck- however it turns out.