Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I've been with my partner for three years and it hasn't been great. It's turned me into a mess.
He moved in with me within six months but he would go out on a Friday and stay out over night, ignoring his phone and I had no idea what he was doing. I found out he was in contact with his ex from over ten years ago and he stayed at hers when he wanted to. I split up with him and he moved out.
He sent me 2000 texts of abuse the following week and I got to a point where I had enough so just ignored him. I stayed at a friends house about two weeks later and when I got home he was waiting for me. He was furious I stayed out all night as he had been sat there the entire time.
He forced me in his car, threatened me with a wrench and drove me miles away. He left me stranded there but when I began walking home he turned back up and started chasing me. A stranger gave me his phone to ring the police. The police just treated it like it was a tiff as he denied threatening me.
I stupidly ended up back together with him after him grovelling and promising to change.
I was raped not long after that. A girlfriend asked me over one night but when I turned up her boyfriend was there too. They got me really drunk and I woke up with him on top of me. My boyfriend acted like an idiot, he got drunk the night before the trial and text me awful things. The day of the trial he actually text my phone as I was giving evidence calling me a slut. But yet again we split up and then I took him back!
At the beginning of this year he drank so much one week after losing his job he became abusive and accusing me of all sorts. He chased me round the block and bruised my arm badly but then went home. I got to work later that day and he was by the entrance. He snatched my phone and keys and my colleague made me phone the police. He was put on bail but then he went drink driving. So he was remanded in custody for 6 weeks until he pleaded guilty to common assault in court.
When he got out of custody he contacted me straight away on Facebook and after a few days yet again I stupidly agreed to see him. But the very next day after he had seen me he sent me another Facebook message which showed his location. He was in the town his ex lives in miles away.
I have no idea why I keep taking him back :( He calls me a whore and dirty and stinking. He manipulates me and even though he was sent to jail for 6 weeks he blames me for it all and even said that the judge thought he shouldn't have been in jail, even though he was drink driving while on bail.
He has isolated me from my family and keeps telling me nobody likes me. I know I have to stay away from him but I've gotten to a point where I feel that even though he does and says all of these things to me when we get on he doesn't make me feel stupid like other people do.
My family have their lives together, they are all successful and intelligent. When I talk I always feel that they laugh at me rather than with me. My confidence has completely gone and I always feel stupid. I have poor self esteem. At the trial the defence lawyer actually brought my weight in to everything. I'm a UK size 14 and his girlfriend leant me some pyjamas that night, she was 2 sizes smaller than me so it was somehow my fault he did it as my clothes were too tight.
My boyfriend has sent me photos by text of me when I met him and then a more recent one saying how awful I now look.
He doesn't believe that all these things he's done is bad, he thinks our arguments just get so heated he says things he doesn't mean. I admit I text back some nasty things but in three years I've said one bad thing about his appearance but that was said after he called me ugly.
I call him a bully and I do swear a lot when I get upset but he says that means I'm as bad as him. I don't know how to stop responding when he starts grovelling and being nice to me. That makes me pathetic, I know. But I feel like an idiot when I'm round my family, I struggle even talking confidently with them. The only time I ever hear anything positive is when he is being nice to me.
Any advice on building up the confidence to feel stronger would be greatly appreciated.
He moved in with me within six months but he would go out on a Friday and stay out over night, ignoring his phone and I had no idea what he was doing. I found out he was in contact with his ex from over ten years ago and he stayed at hers when he wanted to. I split up with him and he moved out.
He sent me 2000 texts of abuse the following week and I got to a point where I had enough so just ignored him. I stayed at a friends house about two weeks later and when I got home he was waiting for me. He was furious I stayed out all night as he had been sat there the entire time.
He forced me in his car, threatened me with a wrench and drove me miles away. He left me stranded there but when I began walking home he turned back up and started chasing me. A stranger gave me his phone to ring the police. The police just treated it like it was a tiff as he denied threatening me.
I stupidly ended up back together with him after him grovelling and promising to change.
I was raped not long after that. A girlfriend asked me over one night but when I turned up her boyfriend was there too. They got me really drunk and I woke up with him on top of me. My boyfriend acted like an idiot, he got drunk the night before the trial and text me awful things. The day of the trial he actually text my phone as I was giving evidence calling me a slut. But yet again we split up and then I took him back!
At the beginning of this year he drank so much one week after losing his job he became abusive and accusing me of all sorts. He chased me round the block and bruised my arm badly but then went home. I got to work later that day and he was by the entrance. He snatched my phone and keys and my colleague made me phone the police. He was put on bail but then he went drink driving. So he was remanded in custody for 6 weeks until he pleaded guilty to common assault in court.
When he got out of custody he contacted me straight away on Facebook and after a few days yet again I stupidly agreed to see him. But the very next day after he had seen me he sent me another Facebook message which showed his location. He was in the town his ex lives in miles away.
I have no idea why I keep taking him back :( He calls me a whore and dirty and stinking. He manipulates me and even though he was sent to jail for 6 weeks he blames me for it all and even said that the judge thought he shouldn't have been in jail, even though he was drink driving while on bail.
He has isolated me from my family and keeps telling me nobody likes me. I know I have to stay away from him but I've gotten to a point where I feel that even though he does and says all of these things to me when we get on he doesn't make me feel stupid like other people do.
My family have their lives together, they are all successful and intelligent. When I talk I always feel that they laugh at me rather than with me. My confidence has completely gone and I always feel stupid. I have poor self esteem. At the trial the defence lawyer actually brought my weight in to everything. I'm a UK size 14 and his girlfriend leant me some pyjamas that night, she was 2 sizes smaller than me so it was somehow my fault he did it as my clothes were too tight.
My boyfriend has sent me photos by text of me when I met him and then a more recent one saying how awful I now look.
He doesn't believe that all these things he's done is bad, he thinks our arguments just get so heated he says things he doesn't mean. I admit I text back some nasty things but in three years I've said one bad thing about his appearance but that was said after he called me ugly.
I call him a bully and I do swear a lot when I get upset but he says that means I'm as bad as him. I don't know how to stop responding when he starts grovelling and being nice to me. That makes me pathetic, I know. But I feel like an idiot when I'm round my family, I struggle even talking confidently with them. The only time I ever hear anything positive is when he is being nice to me.
Any advice on building up the confidence to feel stronger would be greatly appreciated.
I find the behavior of your "boyfriend" parasitic not romantic or loving or caring. And it seems to be meeting his needs and it seems like a pattern because he also stayed at his exe's. But it is not meeting yours.
It seems to be taking away from your strength especially at difficult times, after rape experience.
A good support system on ground will help. Like a professional help for a rape survivor and for abuse.
though I'm sorry for the
circumstances that have
brought you here.
Before another day goes
by, you need to connect
by phone, email or visit,
with your nearest
women's aide centre.
In the title of your thread
you called what he's doing
"verbal" abuse. But in fact,
he has demonstrated that
he is a DANGEROUS
physical abuser
(threatening you with
a wrench!!!!).
Please get support from
your women's aide centre
IMMEDIATELY.
The fact that the only time
you hear anything positive
is when he's "being nice"
to you (what he's really
doing is being intentionally
manipulative), is one of the
reasons you haven't yet
shut this down. You're
NOT to blame. It's clear
that the (deceptive)
validation you get from
him, when he's afraid
he's about to lose his
victim, keeps you attached.
With support, you'll be able
to break this cycle that is
putting your life in danger.
Don't delay! Call your
women's aide centre
RIGHT AWAY!!!!!!!!!
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
safety and clarity.
I feel that your boyfriend will do the same at some point. He will just move on to the next target.
Please follow Ilene's advice. He's a horrible piece of filth and you need to learn how to demand more from yourself and someone in your life.
Hugs.
I've stayed with him for this long because when I met him my home had been repossessed a few months before, I moved in to a smaller rented place but I was really struggling as the partner before me had left me with a lot of debt and then refused to help pay the mortgage when he moved out.
My two serious relationships have both been a bit of a disaster! My boyfriend was extremely nice to me when we met and helped me a great deal with money and I got back on my feet. I didn't ask him to help he just always did it without me even asking.
Before he moved in he was wonderful to me but I guess that's what people like him do.
When he moved out and I discovered he had been seeing his ex behind my back I tried to keep away from him for good but he made me feel like I was a money grabbing b*tch for all that he had given me. He had his own place until he moved in with me and now he lives with his mother so he guilt trips me because he has to live with her now.
He has a way of turning everything around on me when he's done something wrong, it got so bad I ended up just getting confused with what was the truth and what wasn't, he made me feel a bit insane.
I used to be quite confident, even though I had money problems and lost my home I didn't let it get me down too much and always stayed positive.
The night he got drunk before the trial he was saying all these nasty things and I ended up leaving him a very nasty voicemail. I was in such a bad place as I was nervous about the trial and terrified and he was acting like that. When he got up in the morning he had forgotten all of the things he was saying, well he reckons he did. He ended up turning everything round on me making out that I was insane for the voicemail I left.
Since all this has happened my confidence has just disappeared, I don't want to really go and see friends and I completely isolate myself. Like I say the only time I ever feel good about myself is when he is being nice to me. I realise how pathetic this is though :(
Some people say that people who get bad luck and go from one bad relationship to another bring it on themselves, he's told me that before and tells me that there must be a reason why I have so many bad things happen to me, it can't be everybody elses fault. So that also made me feel that I somehow make him this way.
When he tries to excuse seeing his ex he swears that she is just his friend, that I can't dictate who he is allowed to be in contact with and I should believe him when he says they are good friends. He has made me feel like a jealous idiot for making a deal about it.
I'm glad I have written all this down because reading back everything it makes me look like such a dumb person ever staying with him.
I have had texts from him today saying I've ruined his Christmas because I ended things with him and he is unemployed at the moment. Calling me heartless but I haven't responded. Usually I would, trying to get my point across. But I know that's a complete waste of time.
I will arrange some counselling for myself because I've been in a world of my own just allowing myself to get treated like this. He has grovelled and apologised when I've ignored him for days and he always says he loves me more than anybody else he's ever met, he knows he's awful, blah blah blah, he even promised to go to the doctors about his anger. I have always believed him that he loves me and it's obviously a pile of BS.
I know I've suffered with depression since I was raped, I took some anti depressants and they didn't work. I was then given stronger ones that made me put a lot of weight on which just made me feel worse. So I'm not fussed on trying tablets again. Putting weight on and feeling bad about my appearance, when he's nice I feel beautiful but obviously that's not often.
When he threatened me with a wrench and I told the police they didn't believe he did this, there were no witnesses and when he was let go he told me that the police called me a snake with t*ts for making things up. I know they wouldn't say things like that but I felt I wasn't believed about anything. As I say I'm not that confident speaking to people any more and my boyfriend can be very charming.
I don't know it's just a mess. I will go to counselling and block him from everything.
He's a narcissist and a manipulator. He makes YOU feel bad for HIM harming you. That's how they work.
And to an extent, yes, when we only get bad stuff happen to us, to an extent, we are doing things subconsciously to become sh!t magnets.
So keep working on yourself and don't let anybody in your life until you heal.
I think you are turning a corner.
Hugs.