Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Okay, I have another rant and I need advice. My 17 year old son is not my husband's child, although he has been part of his life since before he turned a year old. His father will have nothing to do with us, although briefly about a year ago he started coming around to see my son, but that lasted all of two visits. Anyway, my son does not live with me. He is staying with his girlfriend's parents, something I am not proud of or happy about, but he is safer and happier being away from the turmoil and attacks that my husband throws at him now that he is older.
My husband works full time as a foreman for a construction company, but his real love is doing body work and painting on cars. He has a shop that he does work out of also, personal and for others. He bought a Jeep about 6 months ago. My son is trying to develop some kind of relationship with him, and he was trying to be nice to my son at this point because I had just moved out with the kids. He told my son that the Jeep was for him, as soon as he got his driver's license he was giving it to him. In reality, he sold that Jeep about 4 months ago so he could buy something else to work on. He has not told my son. My son has asked him when he can get the Jeep and he just keeps telling him it is sitting at the shop waiting for him. I know it's not because I had to pick him up the day he sold it. My son has asked me why I don't just drive the Jeep until he can get it since my car is running really badly. I don't have the heart to tell him that his stepfather is even more heartless than he thought he was. I don't want to be the one to break his heart!! I don't know what to do. I keep hoping something will come through and I will be able to buy him a car, something to take his mind off the Jeep he won't be getting. I did try at one point to talk to my husband about it, but you can imagine how well that went over. We are using him, my son is using him, why is it his responsibility to buy the boy a car, blah blah blah. I asked him to please stop stringing him along and let him know that it is gone, but that isn't "his problem". What should I do? Any suggestions?
My husband works full time as a foreman for a construction company, but his real love is doing body work and painting on cars. He has a shop that he does work out of also, personal and for others. He bought a Jeep about 6 months ago. My son is trying to develop some kind of relationship with him, and he was trying to be nice to my son at this point because I had just moved out with the kids. He told my son that the Jeep was for him, as soon as he got his driver's license he was giving it to him. In reality, he sold that Jeep about 4 months ago so he could buy something else to work on. He has not told my son. My son has asked him when he can get the Jeep and he just keeps telling him it is sitting at the shop waiting for him. I know it's not because I had to pick him up the day he sold it. My son has asked me why I don't just drive the Jeep until he can get it since my car is running really badly. I don't have the heart to tell him that his stepfather is even more heartless than he thought he was. I don't want to be the one to break his heart!! I don't know what to do. I keep hoping something will come through and I will be able to buy him a car, something to take his mind off the Jeep he won't be getting. I did try at one point to talk to my husband about it, but you can imagine how well that went over. We are using him, my son is using him, why is it his responsibility to buy the boy a car, blah blah blah. I asked him to please stop stringing him along and let him know that it is gone, but that isn't "his problem". What should I do? Any suggestions?
BUT, if your husband is an abuser, and it sure sounds like he is, that is not going to happen and you are between a rock and a hard place. I am sorry for what you are going through and where you are. To be squeezed by the two most important males in your life is not a good place to be.
Sending you hugs for better days ahead...
but I would worry that he would tell him in a horrible way, to make him feel terrible about it.
I think I would tell your son myself, and yeah, it will be terrible, and hard, but at least you could tell him that it was the abuser being exactly what he is and always will be-an abuser-whose toxic behaviour poisons everyone around him.
you are still living away from your abuser, right? or have you gone back?
if you've gone back, then I'd say that the best birthday present for your son would be for you to leave your abuser once again, for good this time, and then to tell him it was because of the jeep, and how that little bit of cruelty was the last straw.
Rachel, in answer to your question--unfortunately, he has ended up here with us. He followed me home from work one night and refused to leave until I "listened" to his side and how much he loves his family, blah blah blah. When I told him we could talk, but we can't live together he got really scary. Instead of sticking to my guns and calling the police (who have up til now been on his side--he has several family members in the local police department), I let him worm his way back in. This is why my son has left to go stay with his girlfriend's family in the first place. I am now contemplating taking my son, his girlfriend, and my two daughters (who are my husband's children--biologically anyway) and leaving the state, homeschooling the kids, and trying to make it work. I am afraid that then I will open up another can of worms legally though, plus I HATE to drag my kids to yet another place!! However, I do not see any other alternative with him. I cannot seem to get completely free otherwise; the guilt is bad enough, but to be perfectly honest he terrifies me. I have seen what he gets like when he thinks someone is "pulling one over on him" or he is not going to get his way, and I don't want to be in his path or have my kids in that path when that happens.
I'm a writer, and one of my book ideas (not book number 2 which I am working on now, but book number 3) is going to be about a woman who takes her kids, runs to a small town, hides out from her ex, and homeschools the kids..
I thought many times about doing it...
(I have homeschooled my kids for the last 6 years, they are going into regular school this year0
I wish you good luck, should that be what you are forced to do. so freaking hard, because you are breaking the law, and have to hide out, and with social media, it will be a nightmare trying to to hide out.
it's sad that we have to get to these points. I often thought about just taking the kids and disappearing.
can you leave the town you're in without breaking the law?
what if you moved as FAR away as you legally could-to the fringes of the state, and then you would be dealing with different law enforcement, who might not look so kindly on what your husband is doing??
you could still do it all covert, see what kind of help you can get there in regards to protection order or restraining order.. and yeah, he'd be able to find you, since his buddies could look you up, but if you had a PO, and he came looking for you, he'd be breaching it.
good luck, with whatever happens!
I honestly think (since 17 seems to be a tough age - not an adult but not a kid anymore)you should tell him the truth. He knows and sees more than what you think. He knows what you are dealing with so he will understand that your husband sold it on him.
When my children get promised something from someone, be it family members, acquaintances, etc., I simply explain to them: "Don't ever expect anyone to promise you something that huge with out expecting to pay it back somehow, no one in this world gives that much with out expecting something back." The other response is short and simple;"When someone promises you something that huge, just be prepared for it not to be, It's just an empty promise, I'm sorry."
For me this works, I see some tears, and some anger, and it usually is at me, but in the end, we are all happier for it and life goes on and they trust me because I have told them the truth about the person they thought they could trust.
I hope this helps with your situation, I hate it when people promise your children things and never follow through. I have had it happen so many times in my family, it isn't funny at all, I hate to see my children hurt, but if I can be the one to protect them I will. I have told many people in my life, don't promise my children anything unless you plan on following through...better yet, don't promise them anything, this will save me from coming after you, for hurting my children....but that is me...