Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Hello, I have posted on this forum before but am seeking some new advice tips on how to stay strong when the marriage has completly broken down.
I have been with my OH since 2009, married 2012, had daughter 2014. Since we married he has been emotionally abusive to me (he probably was before but I didnt recognise it). He is controlling - he wont stop me from going out with friends or anything like that but he has to have the last word on everything. He is not a person who you can compromise with at all - it ALWAYS ends in a very heated arguement, tears and me basically breaking down because he will not stop until he wins. He always puts me in a no-win situation and exploits it to his advantage. He criticises, blames, verbaly shuts me down and manipulates conversation. A couple of examples are:
I had a bad day at work and I wanted to talk to him about it, all I wanted really was a bit of sympathy and a cuddle and maybe 'tomorrow is another day'. But no, he started saying well I should have done this and that and why did I do it that why - he was quite angry with me. I said I just wanted him to listen and support me but he went on and one with a barrage of cristicism about how I do things the wrong way. I was very upset anyway so said I was going upstairs for a while. He followed me and continued it saying I cant accept criticism, I said all I wanted was a cuddle, to which he relied 'Im not going to mollycooddle you'. I was left in the bedroom crying so much my eyes were going to burst and all he could do was stand over there and carry on harrassing me - all from me saying to him that I had a bad day!!!!!
The last time was Saturday just gone. We went out Friday evening and it was awkward because I could tell he didnt want to be with me. On saturday we were going away to see my family. I said that I wanted to go later (about 12)so I could catch up on some housework. he said 'no I want to go earlier (at 8am)'. We eventually agreed on 9:30am. On the Saturday morning the first thing he said to me when I cuddled my daughter was arent you going to tidy up? I said we dont have time because we need to get ready and pack and you want to leaver earlier? He then went on the attack again and said I should be more organised during the week. Again we ended up in a huge argument out of the blue.
I have a whole load of examples because I now write a transcript of each time he is abusive so I can read back on it and make sure that I am not going crazy.
Something in me changed on Saturday and I was angry but the sadness had gone, I ended up going to my families with my daughter (and had a great time!) and when I came back the next day he offered me an out of the relationship - 40% of one house (we have two houses) and co-parenting so 50/50 split between parents.
This morning I said to him that I want a divorce and I am entitled to 50/50 of everything. He has now got his mum involved and just as I expected is playing the victim and making out it is all me. His phone is linked to the ipad so I can see the messages coming through. His mum and I have alwasy gotten along and I know she will always stick up for her son but she is saying 'she only want the house', 'she will play on the abuse during divorce' and 'be careful she doesnt tape you'. I dont care about the house, I want out of this toxic relationship.
I know it is the beginning of the end now and I do feel some slight relief. However I am terribly anxious and cant stop crying, I am a wreck. I know he is not going to make it easy for me and will turn whoever he can against me. He has family around him (a dysfunctional one at that) I have nobody, brother and mum died years ago, dad is on his 5th marriage 5 hours drive from me. I struggle enough as it is with being a full time business owner, looking after my gorgeous daughter and trying to keep the house together and dinner on the table. His dad won custody of him when he was young because he had money and connections - I am terrified that he will do everything he can to 'win' at this regardless of the cost (psychologically) to anybody else.
I am also grieving the loss of my dream to have a bigger happy family, I wanted another baby maybe more. My mum had always worked with children and I love being a mum. Not having many close family now I long for my daughter to be surrounded by lots of loving family members. I am 37 now so chances are it is not going to happen.
How do I stay strong in al of this? I am finding reading positive stories are helping so if anybody has any please share! I can't imagine ever being happy again although deep down I know it is possible. I have just lost hope xxx
I am in a similar situation to you. We have been married for 3 years have a 2.4 year old daughter and our relationship has been rocky from the start with all the verbal abuse. I don't know how similar yours is to mine.... mine out right calls me a bitch, cunt, idiot, stupid, retard, "insert the f word in front of each of these things". Criticizes my mothering, cleaning, conversational skills.... it can be almost daily or we can go a few weeks without incident.
I almost have had enough but I fear he will get custody of my daughter because he too has family with money and I fear they would help him even though they said they wouldn't because they know how he is. He even says he doesn't want custody because he can't care for her but I fear if he was backed up against a wall he would fight just to spite me?
The fear is real... I also fear my daughter will be affected if I go or if I stay... the other day he was calling me names and my daughter who was in my arms at the time said "Mommy your not a bitch" OMG this broke my heart and yet I continue to stay....
I just want to offer words of encouragement because unfortunately I am stuck as well.
Good luck!
The best thing you can do is get a qualified trauma release therapist for YOU - one who is specially trained in recovery from abuse. The next thing you can do is go to your local shelter and ask for a referral to an attorney who specializes in divorce due to abuse cases. Document every incident of abuse you can because, depending on where you live, it can at least require him to have supervised visits w/your child.
Children learn what they live and live what they learn. There is a lot of research out there that shows that children who "just" witness the abuse of a parent can be seriously affected in that they grow up to either be an abuser or be abused or both. PLUS, abuse (even 'just' witnessing it) can cause the hippocampus part of the brain to shrink as much as 20%.
Do NOT tell him you think he is abusive. Do NOT tell him that you're going to therapy because he is abusive. Do NOT tell him you are contacting your local shelter or seeing an attorney.
DO start stashing money away somewhere away from the house. If you don't have one, get a credit card in your name only and have the bills sent to a P. O. Box. Get a checking & savings account in a bank OTHER than the one he uses. And please practice extreme self-care.
~healing hugs~
Sorry to hear you are in that situation JustJenny. Sometimes in a way I wish he did call me those things so then I know that he is definitely being abusive, he is more manipulative than that - makes me questions my self constantly he never meets me with the same energy or enthusiasm when I say something it is generally negative or dismissive or just 'oh' and rolls eyes. Its so frustrating how they can strip every bit of emotional energy from you. Its mad to think deep down that you know everything will be OK in the end if you just left but you don't have the confidence or energy too. Do you have many friends around you? I do hope you free yourself from the situation soon, your daughter will learn that it is OK to be spoken to like that with a man. The thought that one day my daughter will end up with an abusive man and feels the way I do breaks my heart!
Thanks for your replies Sagacioussusan and Mytruecolours, we are actually going to try therapy again, we tried before but it always came back to my husband saying he is stressed from work. I know it goes a lot deeper than that. We only had a few sessions and in the end it was him talking about how much work he has on and he needs to have a tidy house when he comes home- it was a complete waste of time.
Anyway since my post, things have calmed down a bit. After agreeing we should split up and booking some viewings on flat rentals, he said he wants to give counselling one last go. We are going to try until beginning of next year and then if it is still not working out then we will go our separate ways. One good thing that happened was he actually told me everything he was feeling which he has never done before, everything has just been 'Im stressed and I want a tidy house' but he actually admitted he resented me for spending a lot of time with my daughter and for putting the rest of my energy into my business. He said he loves me but doesn't know how to show it (he grew up in a mentally abusive house - it was his step mother). He has never seen or lived with a healthy functioning relationship ever, there has always been mental abuse and drama. I am taking things with a pinch of salt though because usually things are great for 2 weeks and then bam, the abuse starts again.
Now that he is opening up more I do feel like we are getting to the bottom of things even if we do go our separate ways next year.
I am definitely making an effort to take care of myself, I was so anxious a few days ago, it was scary, I was completely out of control mentally. I have just ordered a book from Amazon - The Art of Extreme Care by Cheryl Richardson and I am booking a week long yoga and meditation retreat next March, a whole week by myself with 2 days of complete silence - I can't wait! x