Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I'm wondering if anyone has suggestions on how to handle unsupportive / antagonistic parents.
I am finally filing for divorce from my abusive stbx. There is ample evidence of his abuse towards myself and our children, including more than one investigation by CPS which eventually resulted in him losing custody and having an order of protection / restraining order filed against him on behalf of the children. However my parents refuse to believe that 'such a nice man' could do something like that, told me to my face that I am a liar, and have supported him ever since. He is currently living at their guest home. When my parents have visited in the past, they have actively flouted the OFP, by inviting stbx over when they were watching the kids (once I came home and found my mom cooking him dinner in my house!) or taking the kids to visit him against the order behind my back. No amount of arguing with them that their actions were illegal or harmful has done any good.
Because of their behavior I have been estranged from my parents for the past year. We have not talked. However, my daughter tells me that they have been calling her cell phone and told her they are coming to visit in a few weeks,
I would like to sit them down and try once more to explain to them why I am not comfortable speaking to them and how their actions have put me and the kids in danger - not just because of a dangerous abuser, but also because he now will use this in court to try and get custody from me by saying even my parents support him. I want to try one more time to impress on them how hurtful and harmful their actions have been. Part of me knows this is probably a losing battle, and they're obviously not going to change their minds; but I guess part of me want to know I have done everything I could to make myself perfectly clear that they left me no choice before I walk away from them forever.
Sooooo... if you were me, and these estranged parents of yours just showed up out of the blue and knocked on your door, how would you go from there? How would you have that conversation?
I'm thinking about making coffee and sitting them down at the kitchen table (after sending the kid's to a neighbor's) and pulling out all of the social worker's abuse reports. I'd like to have them read them and then ask if they still think I am a liar. Then maybe we can take out that restraining order and take a look at that.
I am finally filing for divorce from my abusive stbx. There is ample evidence of his abuse towards myself and our children, including more than one investigation by CPS which eventually resulted in him losing custody and having an order of protection / restraining order filed against him on behalf of the children. However my parents refuse to believe that 'such a nice man' could do something like that, told me to my face that I am a liar, and have supported him ever since. He is currently living at their guest home. When my parents have visited in the past, they have actively flouted the OFP, by inviting stbx over when they were watching the kids (once I came home and found my mom cooking him dinner in my house!) or taking the kids to visit him against the order behind my back. No amount of arguing with them that their actions were illegal or harmful has done any good.
Because of their behavior I have been estranged from my parents for the past year. We have not talked. However, my daughter tells me that they have been calling her cell phone and told her they are coming to visit in a few weeks,
I would like to sit them down and try once more to explain to them why I am not comfortable speaking to them and how their actions have put me and the kids in danger - not just because of a dangerous abuser, but also because he now will use this in court to try and get custody from me by saying even my parents support him. I want to try one more time to impress on them how hurtful and harmful their actions have been. Part of me knows this is probably a losing battle, and they're obviously not going to change their minds; but I guess part of me want to know I have done everything I could to make myself perfectly clear that they left me no choice before I walk away from them forever.
Sooooo... if you were me, and these estranged parents of yours just showed up out of the blue and knocked on your door, how would you go from there? How would you have that conversation?
I'm thinking about making coffee and sitting them down at the kitchen table (after sending the kid's to a neighbor's) and pulling out all of the social worker's abuse reports. I'd like to have them read them and then ask if they still think I am a liar. Then maybe we can take out that restraining order and take a look at that.
Their refusal to accept reality as it is for selfish reasons probably, should not put you in danger. And they should know that if they contact you again. They are family and not judges.
as "unsupportive."
I'd describe them as being
gut-wrenchingly ABUSIVE.
You wrote:
"""""""""""""""""""""""""I'm thinking about making coffee and sitting them down at the kitchen table (after sending the kid's to a neighbor's) and pulling out all of the social worker's abuse reports. I'd like to have them read them and then ask if they still think I am a liar. Then maybe we can take out that restraining order and take a look at that."""""""""""""""""""""""
If these people were
rational, non-abusive
people, "sitting them
down" and going over
the facts, might be a
reasonable thing to do.
But they're NOT.
Please go straight to
RESTRAINING ORDER
against THEM, since
they're blatantly VIOLATING
standing court orders.
PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN!!!!!!!!
Document everything too, your stbx's actions and your parents.
You don't deserve that treatment. My father was someone that my sisters and I chose not to have contact with. Restraining orders were issued, but it was necessary at the time to avoid contact.
Your parents should be on your side because your stbx has a history from child protective services...what the heck!
OK, so I hear what you all are saying: My parents are definitely not healthy, don't waste my time trying to get them to see the light because they won't.
This just makes me so incredibly sad. They seem like nice people. I always thought we had a loving and supportive family. My little sister has broken up with jerks before and they always surround her with tons of love and care. One of my sister's exes OD'd and unfortunately lost his life to drug abuse, and my family still talks about how they are glad he's dead. But when I reached out? When I have a man who hurt me? They said, "Well we're not picking sides." It's just so bizarre.
I asked my lawyer what I should do and she just shrugged. She said legally, there isn't anything to do. Just ignore them and don't let them watch the kids.
I guess I know they aren't going to change. They're not going to listen to me and suddenly apologize or start being nice. But I want to lay it all out and tell them what I think *for me,* not because I think it will change them. I want to do it because I will be able to walk away from them in the future with lighter shoulders if I can do this. Respectfully, assertively, just tell them why I am going NC so there is no confusion. I would feel better about it, I think. It's closure for my own grief.
While you assuage your grief by giving them one more chance, they assert themselves into your family life, likely DISRUPTING your childrens ongoing custody with you. At the very least, you are muddying the waters and providing fodder for several years additional legal battles with your ex. Im surprised that your lawyer is being complacent in this matter - I, for one, am not impressed. It would appear that your lawyers goal is to extend your court appearances and enrich themselves at your expense, which is another problem altogether.
Boundaries, boundaries, boundaries!
The power of the word NO with consistent and firm backing from you will be the best deterrent.
NO you may not call myself or my children. Change your numbers.
NO you may not come to my home without my express approval. File a restraining order.
NO you may not take my children for vacations, visits, meals, pick them up from school, etc. Let the school know that under no circumstances are they (or your ex) to pick up your children, and have contingency plans in place for emergencies.
Your parents count on your conflicted feelings regarding family ties so that they can insinuate their way into the lives of both yourself and your children. Of course, they also dont have to deal with the fallout of their poor decisions directly. Typical narcissistic behaviors.
JUST SAY NO!
I totally understand why you want to explain to your parents... they're your parents! I think you should try. I had to get things through to my parents, but it's a continual thing, not a one-time thing. Yours will probably be the same.
For example:
Them: "It's sad that she's so miserable."
Me: "It's sad that she makes other people so miserable."
Them: "She's just reacting."
Me: "She's acted this way for 15+ years."
Them: "She's just insecure."
Me: "Insecurity doesn't create abuse. There are LOTS of insecure people that aren't abusive."
Them: "Hormones."
Me: "Abuse is a problem with a person's beliefs. Hormones can make it worse but not cause it."
etc. etc. etc. etc. etc. etc.
I used to get really frustrated, and if they weren't my parents I would just not talk to them anymore. But to make lemonade, I can say that it is working, and it does help me to learn how to express what I've learned.
I wish you the best of luck!
Get a court order preventing contact without supervision or some kind of order that can be issued to your parents. Your ex-husband is using your parents to gain legal ground. See your attorney and discuss your options. I know lawyers are not cheap, but your children's lives are at risk here.
Also, instead of trying to reason with your parents, just ask them if they are willing to stand up for you in this process. If they say "no," take them at their word and point out your truth in a quiet manner.
Oftentimes, abusers seek allies to confirm their narrative about who you are. It seems that he is branding you as a liar. Only legal action can change that. It may seem harsh, but you have to protect your children, as I see things.
I really, honestly believe that my parents want to be supportive of me and the children. I think they love us. I know they are SERIOUSLY dysfunctional people, they always have been, and sometimes that makes them act in ways that end up causing pain or even being harmful. I think about their dysfunctional behavior like I would a mental illness. I just really believe that hurting us isn't their intention.
So I want to lay it all out one more time, and make it very clear: These actions are dangerous and hurtful, and when you act this way we can't have a relationship. I want to give them clear instructions so that if they choose, they can navigate through their dysfunction and act appropriately. Does that make any sense? It's like setting boundaries, I think, but on steroids.
I know it might not work :( But I'll feel better about myself if I give it a shot. If I try and it fails, then in the future if, say, my mother (for example) tells my aunt what an ungrateful child I am for turning my back on her, I won't even let it get to me. I'll know I already did everything I could and this was their choice.
Several of yo touched on the important thing and that is protecting the kids. 100% yes - my parents will not be allowed to have access to the kids any longer, no matter what. Sorry to say, but that's just not safe (the kids wouldn't want it anyway.)
It's not about not doing it, but how to do it so you won't get hurt. If you explore it further, the process then it may be good and healthy to talk to them.
Sets some boundries of "civilized behaviour" and keeps your place a safe nest to come back to. I've done this. It isn't easy, and, not to burst any bubbles, i wouldn't expect any magic light bulb moments, if I were you.
They know what they're doing, and, if not, they should be tested for some kind o' dementia.
GL!
So please have a contingency plan in place for what you are going to do if they end up disappointing you again. It doesn't have to be big, but something to nurture yourself, console yourself, and/or shore up your defenses. Plan for the possibility of disappointment ahead of time. That way, if your parents do let you down yet again it might not hurt as much and you might recover faster.
Good luck.
I'll do both: talk to them someplace out of the house, and 'plan for failure' - i.e. have a self-care plan in place for when they decide that I am no worth it and I feel bad about that.
Very good advice, thank you!