Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Going to try to make this short and sweet. My H. has an older daughter from a previous relationship--she will be 20 next month. He has not had any contact with her since she was about 5; using the excuse that her mother refused to allow him to see her because of our relationship. Then it was that she was angry because we had children. I believed him then; now not so much--definitely more to that story.
Anyway, when she became old enough to drive and get around on her own, she reached out on her own to him and his family. He claimed she didn't want to see her sisters or I because there were bad feelings there, and I understood that she may not have the whole picture of her father's emotional issues so she may think we had tried to replace her in his life (although I begged him to take his ex to court to demand visitation--I know how important dads and siblings are to young women, but he always had some excuse for why he couldn't or wouldn't) but I definitely understood how she might need time to get used to the idea and get to know her dad on her own.
I have listened to him on the phone cussing this child out, screaming at her, and generally talking to her like a dog (which has caused numerous fights between he and I, I cannot handle hearing him talk to his child like that and he claims I am jealous of her?!?!?) Yet, she continues to come back for more. I met her for the first time at his mother's house over the Christmas holidays in 2011. She is an incredible young woman--kind, honest, open, and genuinely interested in getting to know her sisters). Long story short, he is an freaking liar--she wasn't trying to hold back, he was. Well, last Christmas I got her cell number and have been texting her along with the girls periodically just to check up on how she's doing at college, with her boyfriend, and such--also to begin to forge a relationship among the sisters (behind his back).
She had surgery on her knee yesterday; she requested that her sisters be allowed to come there to see her, he refused; so he asked me last night to have the girls text her. They did and she requested to be able to come over to spend time with them, maybe for his birthday to surprise him (which is Saturday). I, of course, said yes, then thought about his potential reaction and the fact that he isn't likely to be here on Saturday anyway, so I asked him. He predictably had a million and one reasons why she can't come over; ranging from he may not want to spend his birthday here to he doesn't think it is a good idea for her to talk to the girls and then run and tell her mother everything that goes on here, and every excuse in between.
My thing is, I want to text her myself today and invite her to spend as much time here as she wants while she is in the area (she will be leaving once she recuperates). I mean in a regular relationship, this home would have been just as much hers as it is theirs, right? The three girls deserve the chance to get to know one another, and unfortunately that is going to involve her seeing how her father really is--they won't have to say a word. Is going outside of his wishes for going to cause more harm to these three girls (my two and my stepdaughter), do you think? I can deal with the repercussions on my end, but don't really want to open them up to greater harm.
Thanks! That was longer than I thought it was going to be!
Anyway, when she became old enough to drive and get around on her own, she reached out on her own to him and his family. He claimed she didn't want to see her sisters or I because there were bad feelings there, and I understood that she may not have the whole picture of her father's emotional issues so she may think we had tried to replace her in his life (although I begged him to take his ex to court to demand visitation--I know how important dads and siblings are to young women, but he always had some excuse for why he couldn't or wouldn't) but I definitely understood how she might need time to get used to the idea and get to know her dad on her own.
I have listened to him on the phone cussing this child out, screaming at her, and generally talking to her like a dog (which has caused numerous fights between he and I, I cannot handle hearing him talk to his child like that and he claims I am jealous of her?!?!?) Yet, she continues to come back for more. I met her for the first time at his mother's house over the Christmas holidays in 2011. She is an incredible young woman--kind, honest, open, and genuinely interested in getting to know her sisters). Long story short, he is an freaking liar--she wasn't trying to hold back, he was. Well, last Christmas I got her cell number and have been texting her along with the girls periodically just to check up on how she's doing at college, with her boyfriend, and such--also to begin to forge a relationship among the sisters (behind his back).
She had surgery on her knee yesterday; she requested that her sisters be allowed to come there to see her, he refused; so he asked me last night to have the girls text her. They did and she requested to be able to come over to spend time with them, maybe for his birthday to surprise him (which is Saturday). I, of course, said yes, then thought about his potential reaction and the fact that he isn't likely to be here on Saturday anyway, so I asked him. He predictably had a million and one reasons why she can't come over; ranging from he may not want to spend his birthday here to he doesn't think it is a good idea for her to talk to the girls and then run and tell her mother everything that goes on here, and every excuse in between.
My thing is, I want to text her myself today and invite her to spend as much time here as she wants while she is in the area (she will be leaving once she recuperates). I mean in a regular relationship, this home would have been just as much hers as it is theirs, right? The three girls deserve the chance to get to know one another, and unfortunately that is going to involve her seeing how her father really is--they won't have to say a word. Is going outside of his wishes for going to cause more harm to these three girls (my two and my stepdaughter), do you think? I can deal with the repercussions on my end, but don't really want to open them up to greater harm.
Thanks! That was longer than I thought it was going to be!
The Father being mean to his biological daughter and his wife and children are trying to connect with her??!!
Like in all cases... I would do what I want, see who I want and invite who I want over. If he gets mad that is too bad for him.
The girl is a sister to your girls and you don't need his permission.
It sounds like you should be treating his daughter as one of your or your daughters friends and just don't even bother to treat her as his daughter.
I was in sort of the same place as you, only I wasn't able to meet the 2 girls till they had married and lived across the country. I am so sad I didn't get to know them when they were growing up. They were probably in their 30's.
I wish you the best.
Good luck
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS)))))))))))))))))))))))))))))
Anyway, I did reach out to her via text today. I invited her to her sister (my oldest daughter) freshman awards ceremony tomorrow morning. She is coming (he is going to literally being spitting nails when he hears that I did this), and she did ask me if he would be there. I told her to be honest he doesn't typically attend any of these events (might as well be honest with her), and to that she responded that she had wanted to spend his birthday with him but can tell he really doesn't want her to. I then proceeded to issue an open invitation to her to come to the house at any time. Like I said he is going to kill me, but I really don't care at this point!