I left when I was so fed up that my anger was greater than my fear of perishing without him. Or being destroyed by him which I realized he would try (and he has!). Making form of the fog in your brain helps. The single biggest help for me (aided by on-line support) was a book. Why Does He Do That?: Inside the Minds of Angry and Controlling Men. It lays out all the abuser types and their tactics, which helped me sit back and watch my ex-husband knowingly and, most importantly, realizing that there was no hope ever for a good relationship with him and no hope he would ever be a loving father.

There are several things
you can do.

The first and easiest on
to put together is to
begin reading, either
books or credible
internet sites.

The second thing is
to begin working with
a counselor specifically
qualified in recovery
from abuse.

The third is to go to
your local women's
center. They may
actually have a counselor
there and many also
provide support groups.

The fourth is to try the
exercise I developed
and have posted here
on D.S. called:

Ilene's Clarifying Index
Card Exercise.

I created it when I was
trying to understand why
I had been so unhappy for
so long in my then-marriage.
One of the things it helps
with is to clearly and
irrefutably illuminate
what's happened that
has brought you to this
point. I'll bump the
thread for you. One
thing, though. . . . . .
since it's a documentation
of what's going on, the
cards you produce must
be kept in a totally private
place that won't be discovered.

Last but the most important:

SELF-CARE
in all its forms.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
clarity and
better days
ahead.

Rosenkranz.....did you find that things were "good" outside of the fights? I have to clarify what I mean by this. Basically when we are not fighting about something he is feeding me full of compliments of how sexy I am or how happy he is with our life etc. BUT he does the absolute bare minimum around the house and only when i finally ask for it to be done and then I get "your standard is too high for cleaning or well never be able to get it mom clean" or some other argumentative statement. He only wants to do things with me and has no friends but when i go out i get to hear how jealous he is that i make friends so easy or how boring his life is because its the same old same old. I am lucky if i go for a 2 hour coffee once a week and i make sure its while he is at work and other than that i think i average about 2 or 3 nights a year that i get to go out but still most times have a hidden curfew unless i want to come home and argue. The list goes on but those are a few examples of how things are in life. Been to a marriage counselor several times and things havent changed but then i wonder if it is all in my head and i am making problems that dont exist?

I'm sure it feels good
to hear that he thinks
your sexy and he's so
happy with his life.

And then you wonder
if you're making up
problems that don't
exist.

Here's my perspective:

Not being a participating
partner in a household
is a problem if you feel
that it is. (It would be
for me.)

Controlling your comings
and goings is a problem
if you feel that it is. (This
would be a huge issue
for me.)

His having no social connections
outside of his relationship with
you is obviously a problem for
him because he tells you he's
jealous of your ability to have
friends outside the relationship.
Is his jealously a problem for
you? (It would be for me.)

Even without hearing what
else is on the list, I don't
think you're making the
problems up. Have you
done Ilene's Clarifying
Index Card exercise?
If not, I suggest you
give it a try. After I
post this, I'll bump
that thread for you.

Marriage counseling
doesn't generally help
a victim in an abusive
relationship. (See the
thread on that here.)

I got the strength to leave
when I understood that
my life was never going
to be any better than it
had been to that time
if and until I took action.

The day I planned to
tell him that it was over,
I felt sick to my stomach.
I thought briefly, how lovely
it would be to just drop the
whole plan of announcing
that the marriage was over
and maybe doing it another
day. After I thought about
that for a minute, I decided
that I never wanted to feel
that sick to my stomach
again, and if I postponed
the inevitable, all that would
result is that I'd have wasted
that much more of my
irreplaceable life and I'd
still just have to wind myself
up to get through the
announcement again,
whenever that turned
out to be. At that moment,
I decided to soldier through
the awfulness of the
announcement, and
get to the other side. . . .
later that night.

I did. It was July 5th
and I always call that
my personal
Independence Day.
It was the day I pushed
through the sick feeling
and the fear. . . . and
began my new life,
closer to being free
of abuse. It didn't happen
instantly. But it happened
eventually.

That's my story.
(Doing the Clarifying
Index Card exercise
helped.)

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
clarity and strength.

I left my ex after an almost 3 1/2 relationship. I was never allowed to go anywhere not even hang out with my family without them. He was always putting me down and gave me PTSD flashbacks from how he treated me and he would throw things too. I was wanting to leave him after a year and was even making plans to but then I got pregnant and I stayed with him for another 2 years for our son because I didn't want him to have a broken family and I hoped if he got on the right meds and we did counseling that it would change things but it didn't. It was always a repeat of sending me into my own suicidal mutilating episode because I hated myself so much and I hated everything he put in my head and then he would say sorry and try to make it up to me. It just got to the point where sorry meant nothing because he just kept doing it and I had really hurt myself once after he wouldn't quit yelling at me while we were driving saying hurtful things putting me down. I had to lie to not be held in psych and get stitches because I couldn't leave my son. In the end I knew it was better for us not to be together I stayed with other people and told him he needed to leave. I totally understand that foggy feeling because it's like you know what you're going to say exactly and then you see him and it just all disappears and you don't want to make him mad or have something bad happen. I myself actually wrote a note because I kept putting it off, unable to say what I needed to when he walked through the door. Luckily I didn't have to call the cops and after about a month he knew I was serious that he couldn't stay with me and we weren't going to be getting back together. Unfortunately it's been a year since this happened and since we do have a kid together I do still have to keep contact with him every day. I just recently changed my number because for a year I dealt with him stalking me, harrassing me, sending me degrading text messages etc. I blocked him on facebook and it's been a lot better I'm just now hoping I'll be able to find a new place in the future instead of living in the same apartment building.
The things I suggest doing when you finally bring up that you are done and leaving and you guys arent getting back together: Find somewhere to stay family, friends, even a womens shelter, either tell him he needs to leave and take anything important to you (documents, personal items) with you to the new place until he leaves (and if he continues to refuse to leave either police will need involved or you will need to find your own place not sure of you're situation I paid all the bills so I chose to stay). If you don't have a kid together instantly block all contact Facebook, phone, even change you're number if needed (my ex would get new numbers from online texting things and continue harrassing me). Get everything you want in your own name, do not share names on anything as it will only hold a tie to him. Do not forget to never go back if you make this decision, it will never change how he treats you all those promises he will make won't happen. You need to be extremely strong and have a lot of support during this transition try finding a counselor even a womens center counselors are free. Good luck.