I don't know. But I've heard that you can say something like--"I choose to release myself from this grudge. And by releasing you I release myself. I will not hold on to this anymore. Goodbye."

The point isn't that he deserves to be forgiven--he doesn't. But that you are able to move on with your life like you deserve. What he did was wrong--and hopefully you learned from that. Because of your experience you can give a listening ear to another woman who is in that situation you left, and stand up for her. But hopefully he won't be able to haunt you anymore soon--it isn't your problem, but his, and you shouldn't have to suffer for it anymore.

Do you have I tunes? You can download a free podcast called My Thought Coach. I listen to the Forgiveness one a few times each day. And it makes me feel a little happier and calmer each time. I agree with Katya that forgiving your ex is not the point--you deserve to be free of him!
Let me know if you like the Thought Coach!

I think with time it's possible to forgive the person, but not the deed. IMO, this is for the sake of the victim, not the abuser, though...

Have you had abuse counselling? I think it's only possible to think of forgiveness when we're truly healed, and this can take time.

We've had a number of discussions about forgiveness here. It means something different to everyone, and so is hard to even talk about.

If you want to forgive him...then Artemis is right, forgive the person, not the deed. For years, I refused to forgive my ex, and then realized that not forgiving him was keeping me stuck in the past, keeping me stuck in the abuse even when I no longer lived with it in the present. I wish him love and light whenever I think of him. But doesn't mean I want him in my life. Doesn't mean what he did was ok.

I think it happens in layers for most of us, in stages. If what he did still makes you angry, then honor that, and allow yourself to be angry. It won't last....unless you try to stuff the emotion. Sit with it, honor the emotions you feel, and they will dissipate on their own.

Big hugs to you..

i agree with all posts above. sometimes trying to force yourself to forgive makes it more difficult to work through the process of what you feel you should forgive someone for. does that make sense? i am sleep deprived...lol. i think what i am trying to say, badly that is, don't worry about forgiving until you are ready to. strike the word from your vocabulary. work on yourself and your feelings first, if you are supposed to forgive, then it will come. my ex, abducted our daughter in 1996 and even though he is dead, and she has been back with me for many years, i am not ready to forgive. in fact, i may never be ready, but it's ok. that doesn't make me a bad human, just human.

there are many books at the bookstore that can help with that process. also sometimes clergy can help with this process. I hope that u understand that forgiveness doesn't mean u have to go back to him or get ur self in the same situation again. forgiveness is about letting go of the feelings and letting God or your Higher Power handle it for u

I have forgiven abusers
but in my opinion,
forgiveness is not necessary
in regards to significant healing.

Forgiveness is like a flower.

It opens when it opens.


I think there's a mid-point between
fury and forgiveness. That mid-point
is not such a bad resting place. If
forgiveness comes after that, that's
icing on the cake. If you never get
past that mid-point, you've still gotten
a lot of healing done.

That's my opinion.

Tink-My abuse/relationship ended quite a few years ago too. I thought I had got over the abuse and past all this, but things still trigger me. I have recently started back in therapy and find that helps a lot. Good luck to you!

Self help books, therapy, can help. But there's a catch. They will only help you, if you are ready to accept their help. I have been battling to forgive my abuser as well. Its been a long journey, but I have realized that vengeance is a poison, which slowly eats you from inside. Look around you, the world is beautiful. Its very unfortunate that we had to go through all this, but you are still and there is a reason behind it. The shadows of past aren't easy to run away, the scars fade but the memories remain, but you can bring a change in yourself, only if you are willing. I know it sounds confusing, but you hold the key to your own happiness :)

Forgiveness is hard. I finally was tired of hating him and being mad at him it had a hold on me and in order to release all of that I had to forgive. Not for him but for me. With all the great advice and resources you have found here you will forgive when you are ready.