What is the guilt based on? What is your self talk about what you should have done or should not have done?

False beliefs are at the root of anxiety. Chop at the root of the false belief after you've identified it and anxiety goes away.

Is your false belief that to have fun means you're being disloyal? To have fun means you weren't really as traumatized as you thought? Where is it coming from?

sometimes trying to pull away from something makes your brain and body out of sync, so while you know you have every right to do what you are doing, your body is set on "5 years ago" when things were different and you had different considerations.

sometimes i say just feel the guilt. godismyhonor gave you the more mature version, which is absolutely correct, but in the meantime feel the guilt, know its your body playing catchup and keep on rockin. feelings of guilt are just that, feelings. they don't have to dictate what you do.

also you could spread the word that you don't like having your pic on Facebook because you plan on running for congress or something like that, if it gives you momentary calm. but i say if you can find something fun to do while you're going through a major life change then do it, and if his family takes pleasure in pointing things out to him that's not your problem and not your family anymore.

dance baby, dance.

Following up on what god & vern said, I would say that guilt is the gift that keeps on giving and giving and giving - way past its expiration date.

Once you figure out what the root of the self talk is, then you are free to change it. You can start with something simple like "I am doing the best I can with what I have/know." Then move on to "I deserve to dance & have fun." "I take good care of myself." "I love myself."

All thru our lives things happen (traumatic or not so traumatic) where we subconsciously draw conclusions about ourselves like "I'm not loveable" or "I'm not important" or "I don't deserve ____", etc. Then we make subconscious decisions about how to act in accordance with those conclusions. Like I'm not important so I will just stay out of the way. Or I don't deserve to have fun, so I will beat myself up if I do end up having fun. These can be based on what those around us teach us & how they treat us.

Once you get to a place where you recognize those conclusions & decisions, then you can start making new ones. Write those new conclusions & decisions on a card & repeat them out loud over and over every day. Its especially important to say them when you are in the old patterns, for example, say feeling guilty. You can't have two opposing thoughts at the same time, so by counteracting the guilt with positive affirmations, you are beginning the healing process.

You might also consider having a gentle loving conversation w/yourself, explaining to the part of you that feels guilty that you are no longer a couple so you are free to enjoy yourself by doing whatever makes you happy, even if it means 'they' will find out about it. You might also remind yourself that the ex is more than likely out there having his version of fun as well. And end with affirmations like I deserve to have fun.

It doesn't happen over night because you didn't get to this place over night. But it will work. Just apply that old saying, fake it til you make it.

Also, if you aren't currently seeing a therapist, please consider finding one who is specifically trained in recovery from trauma & abuse.

MTC you say things so much wiser and nicer than i do. i feel like i just put on a snuggly sweater.

thank you so much for your replies, as the the root of the guilt, i have no idea, I shall think on this. Yes your right it is just a feeling, not a nice feeling but a feeling non the less, does sound like its part of the process so will just plod through it!

I completely understand. I decided that if I work out everyday, at the end of the week I would buy myself a new shirt or outfit or shoes since I left all of my clothes when I got out of my abuser's home. I went to the mall with my sister and almost had a break down because I found a pair of boots that I loved. They were my style, and awesome!! But they were expensive. I've been so used to not being allowed to buy anything for myself or anything that HE didn't like that I panicked. Thankfully my sister talked me down. She said why should I feel guilty over something I EARNED?! And I should embrace my style again! Even if it's just a pair of boots.
I know that May sound silly but it made since to me. So I bought them, and wore them out of the store and I felt GREAT!!
Anyway, the point is, you don't need to feel guilty for something that makes you happy. Be happy!! You have every right in the world to enjoy life and yourself in it! Don't ever make yourself feel down for some jerk wad. Life's too short and you're too awesome.