I think that your fear about therapy, and opening up old wounds would be consuming and that you wouldn't recover from it, is probably one of the most common fears about therapy. But, being so common, it is also something decent therapists are well equip to deal with. Therapy is not easy, I am not going to pretend that it is not going to be, but it can also be enormously beneficial. I do agree that trauma has to be dealt with to break unconscious patterns, alleviate certain symptoms, otherwise you'll just continue on with the level of functionality you have as the best case scenario, and obviously if you are contemplating therapy, you are not happy with the level of functionality you have-you want better for yourself.

I'm so sorry.


The fact that you are in another
long term abusive relationship
makes it hard to imagine that
"re-living" the years you spent
with a sociopath will be so
devastating that you might
never recover.

I'm wondering if, given what
you shared about the counseling
you got back then and your life
from there on out. . . . I'm wondering
if you actually ever recovered in the
first place.

I urge you in the strongest terms
to find a highly qualified therapist
and begin doing the work that
never got done thirty-five years ago.

Please take good care of yourself!

First of all Fortress, I want to say my heart goes out to you in this situation, I'm sorry your dealing with this. I go to counseling, on a weekly basis, and what counseling does for me, is everytime I go there, she will tell me how dangerous it is for me to go back, she tells me what to expect, how they are, what they do, and that they pretty stay the same and don't change. So, all I can say is if your ready for hearing that, I don't know mine is a Licensed Therapist, for Domestic Abuse, so she knows exactly what she is talking about.

If you think counseling would help you, then I would say go for it! It may change your perception of things, what you believe, and what is truly happening. It's good to have a third on your situation. The only way to help yourself, though is to be completely honest, that helps. as Dr. Phil says, you can't change what you don't acknowledge, and there is power in those words, because I still can't acknowledge how my ex is so abusive, therefore it doesn't change, because I seem to be on the fence, and I won't get away from him.

Thank you for responses. I'm sorry I wasn't more clear .... it's hard to squeeze many decades into a post. I'll try to elaborate a bit - keep in mind that I'm a one finger typist. I've been abused since babyhood. My mother clearly did not want me and my physical birth defects only intensified her disgust with me. I tell you this because from very early on I was conditioned by my mother to accept and expect abuse. It was emotional and physical. I had no self esteem and readily accepted all forms of bad behavior towards me, as otherwise I was simply ignored. My first experience with a mental health worker was following a drug/alcohol suicide attempt around age 16. She came to the house and it was only one visit. The usage and attempts continued, but there was no more interventions. It was the early 70's and not really viewed as all that unusual at that time, our location.Then I met my first husband. He was VERY charming ( quite an illusion ) and we had " things " in common. It was right before senior yr in high school and I was terrified of life after h.s, I decided I wouldn't go to college, greatly disappointing my beloved grandfather. By that time, I had a significant alcohol problem and was escalating with various drugs as well. Lost, confused and desperate, I married the abuser. I knew it was wrong - I was scared to marry him and scared to not marry him. Severe physical and emotional abuse started long before the wedding. The following HELLISH six plus years are what I have verbally discussed very, very, very little, ever. What I have tried to talk about was met with..... I don't exactly know HOW to describe it.... but I learned to keep it inside .... right along with my really unpleasant childhood. I went to and graduated nursing school. I HAVE HAD THERAPY -- the therapy for about 2 yrs or more following leaving and divorcing him and then again after maybe a yr or so off. The focus of therapy then was largely regarding the child born at the end of first marriage and the problems that were developing in second marriage. There was a LOT going on - too much to really address right now, but new H had 2 kids and a truly difficult bitter ex wife. There were and still are financial problems. There were physical illnesses, hospitalizations ( four times for me for severe major depression ) and surgeries. One of my kids came out as lesbian and then eventually transgender. I grieved that child as if they had died, as in a way, they had. I had a dgt for about 24yrs that 'died' and is ( still ) in the process of being reborn as male. However, even with his understanding of himself being actually male, he CHOSE to get pregnant. My husband and I are raising this child -our "granddaughter daughter". This child goes to therapy too, as you might of guessed. My other biological child - dgt. has had emotional issues too - some borderline personality tendencies. Anyway, I AM currently in therapy, much of my adult life I've had therapy - thousands of sessions.... but haven't encountered a therapist yet that has/will ever approach my history of DV. So, how DO you find these therapists that excel in tx of abuse ? I haven't seen any advertising themselves as such in the yellow pages. Does a DV center have access to finding such a gem? As for my fear of losing it forever more, MAYBE I did already experience that and kinda survived, because during the 1990's I was stuck in a endlessly deep, black hole. I was becoming acutely aware of current husband abuse ( he doesn't hit me ) I remember a period of time that my pain was soooo deep and severe- I cried and howled like a injured and tortured animal. When I was fortunate enough to sleep, I would awaken from the sleep and be sobbing hysterically - that's DEEP depression. I won't say anymore about that - I guess you get the picture. I'm certainly open to receiving professional assist and relief ... if I could find it. Please advise on how to find such help.

PS.... I completely stopped drinking decades ago. Take meds only as prescribed. I smoke cigarettes like a fiend. I left the nursing field soon after my first hospitalization, due to the depression/anxiety and spinal/ nerve damage pain. Tried to get practical support from my mother to leave current husband ( in the 1990's ) but she refused to even acknowledge the abuse ( he doesn't hit you or the kids ). I had no one else to turn to for support.

I am so sorry for everything you've been through. I know that must have been painful to share, and I admire how you continually reach out despite black hole depression and having been hurt, I think that's amazing.

Have you told these therapist that a goal for you in therapy is processing the abuse? Therapists should be working on what YOU want to deal with in therapy......What I would do is interview them like you would an prospective employee. Call the DV shelters and get recommendations, and then ask the individual therapist what their experience is, what kind of specialized training their have, I as them their therapeutic orientation (CBT, psychodynamic, humanistic, exct. to get an idea of what my experience with therapy might be like. I would think those kinds of questions would give you some ideas. I hope that helps. The right therapist can make a HUGE difference! I know it!

I DO appreciate the responses I did receive, but I feel disappointed that after I finally opened up a bit .... my post was largely ignored. I realize not all posts interest all people. I also really thought my post on the long term damage experienced by physically and emotionally abused people, would be of interest to many, This site has been immensely empowering for me, but it looks like I should just 'lurk' and not comment or post. This isn't a pity party - just an observation.

OK then ... never mind

fortress, I've noticed as of late that the activity in this group as whole has lessened somewhat. I am not as active here as I used to be. Also DS is very glitchy, so not everything shows up in the friend activity feed, especially if one or more friends send out massive numbers of hugs and since the activity feed only goes out four pages, many posts can be missed.

I'm sorry I missed this post earlier. I want to commend you on your sobriety!!! That's a HUGE accomplishment. Congratulations!!!

I know how hard it is to find a therapist who is skilled and qualified to treat trauma and PTSD. And even when you do find one, it will be much harder to heal as long as you are living w/an abuser in a toxic environment. This is not a criticism. It's a statement of fact. I have had many disheartening experiences w/various therapists. Only two were any help to me. The first one helped me survive while still married to the abuser. The second (and my current) therapist has helped me immensely since I left.

The reason it's hard to heal while still living with an abuser is that you are still being abused and each action of abuse creates another trauma that is being piled up on top of all of the other traumas you've suffered since you were born.

But, please don't give up. There is hope. My suggestion is that you ask potential therapists what types of modalities they use to treat trauma due to abuse. If they say talk therapy and/or CBT, that's not good enough IMHO.

Ask them how much EXTRA training they have had in treating trauma and PTSD, if they say none or that they got plenty training in school and their internship, RUN, don't walk to the nearest door!

I also believe in the mind body spirit connection so as we heal our emotions, we heal our mind body and spirit as well. So if it were me, I would also sk them if they believe in a mind body connection. If they say yes, then I would ask how & what do they do to address all facets.

I found that heart centered hypnosis and guided imagery worked very well for me. The wonderful thing about the type of hypnosis I received is that even tho I went back to the points of the traumas, they weren't relived in the same way. With the guidance of the therapist, it was more like being an observer. I had the freedom of feeling my emotions and not being judged or criticized. AND, there is a healing segment in each session so I never ever left feeling worse than when I came in. Other modalities that I understand can be quite effective are EFT and EMDR.

Please understand, that it will take longer to heal as long as you live w/an abuser. And that you have had a lifetime of abuse (for which I am very sorry) so it will take a very long time to heal.

fortress, if you would like more info about the hypnotherapy, message me.

~hugs~

For what it's worth, many of the things I would have said have already been stated by others who have responded. I am very sorry for what you have been through, fortress, and I hope there may be some more responses to come.

Personally, I do find your post very interesting and would have responded, but I am currently taking a break and "lurking" myself, due to recently having had an extremely traumatic experience on this very site. I need to avoid posting or responding to posts or journals until I have processed enough privately. I simply don't have enough to give in terms of valuable advice or analysis, or even what my own thoughts on things are, at this time.

I do hope to be back soon, but for my part I just wanted to say that my absence is certainly not personal to anyone, and it has nothing to do with the value or relevance of your post. I am treating everyone absolutely equally right now.

Big hugs and I hope the current and future responses help you find healing and peace xxx