Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Its been two years since I broke up with my ex, he was emotional abusive very subtly and I didnt realise how broken I was when I walked away. In the past two years I can see I have come a long way but am still nowhere near better. I had a situation last night that showed me how broken I still am.
I was at a pub and a guy started talking to me, it was obvious he liked me but I kept it friendly and chatty, he wanted to give me his phone number and I didnt know how to say no so I took it and gave him mine. Once we stopped talking I went into meltdown, just wanted to run away, cry and hide. He then text me the next morning and I went into meltdown again, I never used to be like this but I just cant seem to handle guys asking me out and the attention. He did ask me out and I managed to let him down gently, took me ages of working out what to say.
I can see logically that all he was doing was being friendly and asking me out on a date but in my mind it feels like a massive thing that I need to run from. Even him just asking me out via text made me cry, I feel so stupid and dont know how to deal with it. In the past two years I hadnt been out on a date at all, dont feel ready for it but now I am starting to get attention as my self-confidence is slowly coming back I feel like never going out again. When I left my ex I had a very hard time talking to guys but am much better now, its just when they start going down the line of dating I fritz out. Has anyone else experience this?
I was at a pub and a guy started talking to me, it was obvious he liked me but I kept it friendly and chatty, he wanted to give me his phone number and I didnt know how to say no so I took it and gave him mine. Once we stopped talking I went into meltdown, just wanted to run away, cry and hide. He then text me the next morning and I went into meltdown again, I never used to be like this but I just cant seem to handle guys asking me out and the attention. He did ask me out and I managed to let him down gently, took me ages of working out what to say.
I can see logically that all he was doing was being friendly and asking me out on a date but in my mind it feels like a massive thing that I need to run from. Even him just asking me out via text made me cry, I feel so stupid and dont know how to deal with it. In the past two years I hadnt been out on a date at all, dont feel ready for it but now I am starting to get attention as my self-confidence is slowly coming back I feel like never going out again. When I left my ex I had a very hard time talking to guys but am much better now, its just when they start going down the line of dating I fritz out. Has anyone else experience this?
Please don't beat yourself up. What you're going thru and how you're feeling is pretty normal (sadly) after coming out of an abusive relationship. It takes a LONG time to heal from abuse - way longer than healing from a 'normal' breakup where abuse wasn't involved. IMHO, its even worse coming out of a covertly abusive relationship because we have lost the ability to trust our inner knowing.
I had a similar experience and accepted a date. The second I hung up the phone, I freaked out. I knew I wasn't ready and I knew that there nothing would come from dating this guy because I wasn't attracted to him. Looking back, I realized that I rationalized that it would be a safe way to stick my toes back into the dating pond. Not only wasn't I ready, but it also wasn't fair to him. So I called him and told him I was sorry, but I just really wasn't ready.
IMHO, its important to trust our body's reaction because our bodies never lie.
I see nothing wrong with saying, "I'm sorry, but I still have more healing to do and I'm just not ready to date yet." (or something to that effect.) The person's reaction(s) will tell you a lot about them. If they say they understand or sure, can I ask you sometime down the road, that's a good sign. If they don't take no for an answer and/or continue to pressure you or discount what you said, or call you a week later, RUN.
~healing hugs~
That must have been awful for you but at least you managed to find the courage to call it off.
Hugs
No need to feel pressure to date.
There's no reason why you can't start going to book clubs or out with a bunch of friends to do a poetry or story slam or comedy night... Bible study or whatever co-ed situation you can get into that's social without the pressure of if feeling like any expectations are put upon you.
Maybe even consider a 12 step program to heal from the abuse. I did CODA a few times.
I was there, so I know how long it can take to recover.
Hugs.
My advice is to avoid places where those types of encounters are more likely to occur (such as clubs, pubs and bars).
back three weeks ago.
I'll start by saying that there's
no need for you to feel stupid
about any of this.
After that, several things stand
out for me.
The first is the intensity of
your emotional response,
which tells me. . . no. . . .
it screams at me that
there's no way you
should be in dating
situations at this
moment and
probably not until
you've done way
more processing
than you already have.
Let me ask something.
Have you had any kind
of post-break-up counseling?
If not, I urge you in the
strongest terms to find
a therapist who specializes
in recovery from abuse
and begin that work
immediately (and then
continue it for as long
as it takes!).
The second thing is that
you are NEVER under
an obligation to accept
someone's number.
All it takes to shut that
down is to say:
You're obviously a
really nice guy but
I'm just not dating
anyone at this
moment. Thanks
so much, but. . . .
no.
And even if you couldn't
say that and ended up
taking his number,
never, Never, NEVER
hand over YOUR number.
I would say this even if
you were feeling like
you might be seeing
him again. Think of
giving access to your
phone number like
opening your bedroom
door. It's extremely
personal and should
only be shared with
people you know to
a pretty good degree
already.
But I'll say again,
that you don't need
to feel stupid about
what happened.
Look at all this like
your body giving you
very clear instructions
to get yourself plugged
into doing the work of
recovery with a
QUALIFIED therapist.
Please be gentle
and loving with yourself.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
healing in the
year ahead.