Yes it's normal - it's a symptom of abuse. They confuse us then tell us the problem is we're confused. They lie to us, then tell us the problem is that we don't trust them. They pull away from us and then tell us the problem is we're too needy (because we are trying to find the closeness they once professed also to want).

You say he wasn't obviously abusive but "just completely devalued me and did not care". That, from a partner, is abusive.

Also, you've nailed it yourself: you've never been that way when you've felt loved. They feed us insecurity, play on our vulnerabilities - then blame our insecurity and vulnerabilities for the problems that ensue. They feed us poison and then accuse us of getting sick.

Please don't put yourself down. This is a support board. We all come here when we need or want to, nobody is forced to be here, nobody is forced to respond to any particular thread. We are not sick of reassuring you or anyone else. We all know that sometimes we need to hear things multiple times before we can really believe them.

It's not you, it's him. You know this, because it hasn't been you with anyone else.

What she said!

Well damn...I think Livn just closed the case on this one. GREAT response!

Thank you for the responses.

What i find really difficult to understand though is why I continued to chase him even though he was hurting me. I would have thought my subconscious would tell me to get away but it's like the more he hurt me, the more i sought after his approval and affection. I'd want to be with him more. I'd actually wake up utterly depressed and miss college to be with him.. like he was the cure and what was making me sick at the same time. He felt addicted. Can anybody explain this?

I feel so ashamed writing this.. keep thinking "no wonder he didn't want a clingy immature little girl who can't keep her life together and is obsessed with her boyfriend and his approval- no wonder he didn't want me".

I'm embarrassed by how i was and can't believe i acted like i did.. I wish i could get out of my head that my overly clingness was the reason for his treatment of me and the reason he left. I think this thought is the major block from moving on.. it keeps returning.

It's possible you're suffering from trauma bonding or stockholme syndrome. It's also highly possible that he was covertly engineering and manipulating those feelings in you. He might have been doing subtle things to cause you to be clingy, so that you need him (giving him power over you), and so that he can hurt you more by distancing himself from you and then blaming things on you. Psychopaths and narcissists also often seem to create feelings of addiction in their victims, so maybe he was a psychopath/sociopath or a narcissist.

As well as trauma bonding and Stockholm syndrome what also happens is that because they are the cause of pain and hurt and devaluing ( he's done this to u big time btw) you look for the affection to give u back your value and stop the hurting!

My ex did this to me so well.

He was available but then not. He'd upset me tell me "text me or ring me if u need me" but would never have his phone switched on.

He'd ring me eventually all concerned and pitying me, "I got your text what's wrong?"

He'd stand me up sometimes without letting me know he wasn't going to be there.

He would turn up an hour late to meeting me and I'd be inconsolable waiting for him in my car but the minute he'd turn up or ring I'd grab the phone and breathe a sigh of relief because everything was ok then as it meant I was worth something.

Once he disappeared out my life for two months without a word only to reappear again with the "I love u and miss you but I just thought u was getting on with your life and I didn't want to intrude"
I'd be all "no I wasn't getting on because I just wanted u back in it, I've not understood where u had gone and why"
I'd only ever get the "I thought that was the best thing for u" speech!

We'd had no argument, was fine and one day he'd gone so it made no sense!

He'd say he would ring or text me but wouldn't, then ring me the day after and id be left waiting for his phone call fall night feeling as though I was worthless and not on his mind or he had better things to do.

On birthdays or at Christmas he'd tell me he's got me a present but had left it at work, I'd ask for weeks afterwards for my present (I was still hopeful and excited about the surprise gift) but only to be met with anger and he would make out as if I was desperate and materialistic.

He'd come out and see me only to announce he wasn't staying out Long as he had things to do.

If we would go shopping he would all of a sudden tell me "I'll be back in a minute just wait here" he'd run off and disappear and leave me there waiting then come back as if he had just magically appeared from no where, when I'd ask him where he had gone he'd say. "It's ok I, just had something to do" but would never tell me what

Towards the end and at the time where the abuse was really bad I begged him for help when I was pregnant. I had no money and couldn't even afford a pair of maternity pants for my growing belly. He kept taking money off me and I asked him one day for help because my pants had become so tight that I had cuts marks in my belly and I said "please I'm desperate here!" His response was

"I've never been out with a desperate woman before!!!"

It's all designed to make u ungrounded, make u cling into the hope at getting a whiff of the kind generous sweet side of then that always pops up from time to time but becomes less and less.

The less and less it happens the more dependant your self worth becomes on the scraps of kindness they show u.

I know a lot what u are talking about, I've been there too.

I'm away from him, over 8 months now and I feel worthy! U can get better and over it.

Don't feel embarrassed, it's not a sign of weakness but a sign of strength and fight in you that u stayed and fought for his attention because u knew what u needed more of and what u needed less of, that's all, and what's wrong with that?

Just goes to show that we expected better and only tried to get what we thought existed which was love and affection!

I agree with the others.

Most of us who have fallen prey to abusive partners started with an inadequate ability to self-validate, that is, we put our worth in the hands of others to decide. We only feel good if someone tells us we are good, we feel lovable only if someone tells us they love us, we feel worthy only if others want to be with us.

An abuser takes this and twists and exploits it to the point where rather than seeking validation from others, our worth becomes entirely bound up with that one person. We could have 100 men (or women) falling at our feet telling us how stunningly beautiful and intelligent and lovable and worthy we are, but one cutting remark or raised eyebrow or ignored call from that one person "proves" we are entirely worthless.

The key to avoiding it is to learn to self-validate, to learn to value ourselves by our own standards, not by the standards we think others (or another) may be judging us by. You became clingy because you desperately needed his approval - the more he withheld his affection and approval, the more you needed it because he had twisted you so far that he was the only person who could give it to you and have it be meaningful. That's why his other female friends were such a problem as well (whether he was actually cheating on you or not) - because they appeared to be getting the validation and approval that you so desperately craved.

You haven't felt this way in other relationships where you've felt loved, because in those relationships, the other person hasn't twisted and corrupted your need for approval, and then withheld that very approval.

Also, it's a chicken and egg. By twisting your need for approval to the point where what you needed was HIS approval above all else, he created the very thing he then blamed for further withholding his approval. And so the vicious cycle continued, to where you are still convinced that what he created was your fault and the reason for the relationship failure.

Value yourself. Look honestly at who you are, think about the things you value in others, and realise that you have those qualities yourself. And never again let anyone else determine your worth.

Hi Char,

I second everyone's opinion here. I did want to address why you craved affection and approval from him, when you might have otherwise avoided him. It is because he gives you some kind of love and affection that you have not given yourself.

Is there anybody close to you that is hyper-critical and witholding of love? Both my sister and I have suffered the same feelings you have... Although, we were raised differently, we were both raised feeling as though we were not enough, no maater how hard we tried.

So when we are told we are loved, we want to keep that love... it is so valuable... And when someone who professes to love us and then lets us down... We feel abandoned and don't act like ourselves... Allowing ourselves to be treated much worse than anyone should deserve.

Char, the how and why of it all doesn't matter as much us learning how to love ourselves in such a way that will allow us to never be hurt again.

Just something to think about.

I have a similar issue. Really, what you describe is what I have dealt with for two and a half years. He alternated between being very loving and very distant, and when I would ask him why, she would deny being distant, saying there was nothing wrong and making some excuse, like he was tired. Days later, he would confess what had really been bothering him, and attribute his behavior to something I had done. Therefore, I was responsible for his being distant, or going out late and not calling me, or ignoring my messages. It had been all my fault. And he still does not get it. He has broken up with me finally, and though we are still spening time together, etc., he tells me he is just being nice and has no feelings for me. Then he will tell me that of course he still cares about me and would like to be my friend. It has been a world of mixed messages, and I know I will be better off in the long run. But right now, getting out is very difficult. All I can say is that you are not alone, but as far as advising how to cope, I cannot offer the wisest advice.

My ex husband was similar in that the abuse was so covert that I didn't even recognize it. Also if I questioned him on anything, he used to tell me constantly that I was crazy. After a while I started to believe that I was crazy. I have been where you are, and know what it's like to feel alone.

In response to that last post, I am just now realizing that his efforts to make everything appear to be my fault is what really messes with my mind. I now see that this is a pattern in abusers. Just like you say your husband made you feel like you were crazy; I would ask him if something was wrong, then he would say no. Then later it would come out that something was wrong. It becomes a guessing game which you can never win; nothing is honest or true; everything has a veiled meaning, and you find yourself going crazy trying to interpret it and decide if you have caused their behavior. And the sad part is, I don't think they realize that they are doing it; they are just so ingrained in that behavior that it becomes part of them.

Relationships should be 100% for both people involved. The loving care is not wrong, it's just that both people need to love and care for each other. Sounds like he was not putting his all into valuing the relationship. Do not blame yourself. hugs!

There is definitely patterns when it comes to abuse for sure. I would recommend to do as much research on abuse as you can. That way you will start to recognize the abusive behaviours as they happen. My ex was a very manipulative person and in the end I started to see through his tactics. I hope that you will see the truth clearly.