Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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limabeans 03/09/2015

I recognize that a lot of us are going through this right now, so there might not be too many answers, unless it has also happened for you in the past. How long did it take you to finally let go and go NC for good? It has been 10 months since I left my ex and I think the longest I have been Nc is probably three months or so. I was feeling good the beginning of this year... Started casually dating (and now I'm about to stop because I'm obviously not ready). Now we have been in contact again. His dad (who I looked at as my dad as well for 3 years) is dying from cancer. And I'm not there. And i have been in contact with him. It hurts. He has cried on the phone to me and told me how sorry he was for the things he did to me and he didn't mean to scare me, etc. and we are still messaging right now. Just about how life is going. And I'm back in bed and can't eat and feel sick. I'm never going to be able to let go.

How long until you guys could finally release this person?

REDOAGAIN 03/09/2015

I was NC two years. He sent me an e/m, I opened it, two years gone, right back in the same boat. I wish I had a good answer for you instead of this one.

beingshannon 03/09/2015

March 23rd is my three year anniversary of having left him. The longest I have gone NC is 14 days. lame. I keep hoping for the cure. The right combination of words to truly let go. I don't know.

DeliAnnem 03/09/2015

The first year, there were a few calls to get some type of "closure" of some sorts. Nope. Just left me feel icky. Kind of like how you feel when you drive by the place you got into a car accident.

After that, I had moved on. It'll be four years this summer.

The only good thing is now I appreciate what I good guy I have!

cant74deal 03/10/2015

Ummm, 5 years. I didn't even know what NC was, I didn't even know what emotional abuse was for many of those years. Had a kid together, tried to whole co-parent thing-not possible with an abuser. Got sucked into being abused, and allowed harassment and stalking to continue for so long before I figured out what was going on. My panic and anxiety would get so elevated when I had to deal with him-when my daughter turned 18 I stopped.

One year since I've stopped receiving any kind of contact from him. He can go &^%$ himself now as far as I'm concerned. NC from him is probably the best thing I've EVER done for myself, but NO ladies and gents, it is NOT easy, and I know I make it sound like it is but I no better than anyone (5 years after my divorce of not going NC) how hard it really is. I also know the benefits of doing it.

limabeans 03/11/2015

Thanks everyone. I just feel like I wasn't moving on at all. I had been really good and super strong actually. The one thing I didn't do was delete my FB account which I should have. That's always how he got in contact with me. I didn't even read some of the messages he sent at times. I was so strong. And now his dad has cancer. And it's not looking good. That's what brought me back into it. He told me he shouldn't have told me, that it wasn't fair. He just didn't know who else to tell. Now I've talked to him for the last 3 days and it's like I'm on drugs or something. I can't stop talking to him. He says he wants me in his life even if it's only as a friend. I'm a smart woman, I know that will never ever ever work. But we are still messaging on FB back and forth. This is by far the worst I have done since I left him.

antaresmom 03/11/2015

Just so you know,no reason to delete your FB account just delete him from your contacts on FB when he tries to friend you again which he will,say NO or ignore whichever it is. Best of luck.

limabeans 03/11/2015

Hey thanks. He's not on my friends list. I actually had him blocked for about 9 months but he would always make new facebook accounts to message me. That's why I didn't know if I should just delete my account. (When I decide that I'm able to go NC once again). Although deleting FB will be hard!! Not sure I can do it.

newrose2013 03/11/2015

it is complicated when it gets into the extended family stuff, life and death, and especially the longer the number of years you were together. There's no easy answer, it stinks all around. Sending you hugs

bellecp 03/12/2015

I'm sorry... What does "NC" mean?

MyTrueColors 03/12/2015

Hi bellecp. NC means No Contact. i.e. cutting off all contact with the abuser.

limabeans 03/12/2015

Well I guess my dilemma is solved but now I'm bawling my eyes out. After telling me he just wanted me to be in his life and he wanted his friend back and he wasn't expecting anything... He asked me a question today which led to stuff that bothered me in the past. Now he just told me that I was vindictive and cruel and have I always been this hateful? Now I'm questioning myself. If I really was mean. And then he told me he got the closure he needed, that he no longer wanted to be my friend. He said he was going to find someone else now and then he blocked me on FB.

IleneW 03/14/2015

One of the main goal
of all abusers is to get
you to doubt yourself
and lose yourself.

If you want a clearer
picture of this abuser,
I suggest you do my
Clarifying Index Card
exercise. I'll bump
that thread for you.

Please practice
SELF-CARE.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
better days.

cant74deal 03/14/2015

I'm sorry hon. I know this hurts. He set you up. Please don't question yourself. Making you question yourself is what abusers do.

The only thing that happened there is that he was testing boundaries-he brought up stuff that he wanted a pass on, and thought that if you REALLY wanted him back as bad as he was guessing you did you'd give him that pass-because he felt he was entitled to it all along. Since it appears you didn't-he decided to punish you, because that is what abusers do when you don't do what they had in their self centered heads that they wanted you to do. I am pretty sure that he'll be back around to abuse you some more and do the whole thing all over again-unless you go NC and are able to stay NC.

limabeans 03/14/2015

Thank you!! I'm going to make those index cards.

After that, I broke down and emailed him (the first time I've really done that). He told me again after that how much he has changed and he is proud of who he is now, etc. But then when I won't call him he starts saying stuff like "I'm not worth 2 minutes of your time" and "I'll walk away for good after this just please call me." Well I did. He cried. Wished me happiness. It broke my heart and left me confused. I start wondering if maybe he is changing...but I am now implementing NC now. I've blocked him on FB. I just want to get over him!!

cant74deal 03/15/2015

Manipulation is not change.

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