Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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Joanieslegacy 08/25/2012

I was wondering how your time with your abusers has changed you both negatively and positively?

I find though most of the changes have been negative, I can still find a positive.

Negative:
1. Lack of trust..big time.
2. Inability to no obsess over someone who is not thinking or caring about you.
3. Not knowing who you are anymore and always second guessing things.
4. Lack of interst in activities or hobbies you once pursued.
5. Feelings of worthlessness and sadness.
6. Blaming yourself, being angry at yourself.
7. Isolation of yourself from others to avoid it happening again.
8. That darn feeling of if only I would have or if only I had seen this coming.
9. Not taking care of yourself, mentally, emotionally or physically.
10. Lack of faith in your abilities.

Positive:

1. Being much stronger than before and establishing boundaries where you once would not.
2. The ability to spot future prospective abusers, be it in possibly dating someone or even friends, who is toxic and who is not?

Perhaps Positive is the wrong word choice? But I need to feel I have come out stronger, wiser and more in tune with what I will and will not tolerate.

Anyone care to share how you have changed?

azkevin 08/25/2012

The worst negative is loneliness. I used to be a person who could spend the whole day in my house, doing whatever, and be perfectly happy. Now I can sit in my house by myself only for a few hours, before I get lonely and want to go somewhere where there are other people.

The biggest positive is that I am more accepting of the idea that there are people out there that just aren't worth dealing with. I am much more likely to recognize personality types and see someone else as causing a conflict, and put less blame on myself.

hockeymom5592 08/25/2012

I think...that all the negatives on your list are things that with time, will make you stronger, as you one at a time deal with them. As you heal, you will...

Learn to trust again.
Figure out who you are. (which includes re-engaging in things you loved, or finding new ones)
You will become strong, so strong. You will find your own worth, when no one is trying to tear it down.
You will stop being angry at yourself at some point. Anger is a useful emotion, and it's not a bad one. No emotion is just bad, it is how we deal with it that can be a problem. Use it to propel you forward, into a life you find joy in. The anger will dissipate...Same with all the other negative feelings you have about yourself.

How do I know??? I was there, 5 years ago. I was married to a master abuser for 32 years....

When I left, I knew that it couldn't be any worse alone than it was with him. But I had no idea how good it could be.

You will be too. Picture in your mind how you want it to be. Think about that unceasingly. The universe will bring you what you think about.

Joanieslegacy 08/25/2012

Thanks for your kind words and encouragement Hockeymom. I really wish I had internet at home for the nights at least. I try to keep entertained with tv and reading but I am finding I am losing interest with those things as well.
I have noticed a big difference in one aspect of my life. I used to ride horses all the time and now even though I still have my horse, I have not ridden for over a year. He is taken care of well and located at my house, but he is basically a pet now.
I feel like a need a big shot of UMPH, to gain my passion for life back.
Thanks again.

deleted_user 08/25/2012

I think your list covered the changes well. but instead of saying that some of the changes were "positive" i think maybe wiser or more knowledgeable would be better because i don't want in any way for an abuser to think in any way what so ever that they could be responsible for someone making positive changes as a result of them abusing us. Whatever positive changes we have made has been as a result of OUR OWN EFFORT and learning not because of their abuse. That reminds me of how abusive parents will try to take credit for their children growing up to be strong individuals, and say they had to be hard on them to teach them to be strong, that their abuse was for their children's "own good." Bullshet! Let's not give them any credit for our own abilities and strength of character. That is how we are as individuals and is not because of their abuse.

deleted_user 08/25/2012

To answer how have i changed, i'm a lot more leary of meeting new men and absolutely am unwilling to give them any details about my past abuse for I don't know how long into seeing them, a really long time, maybe never. i'm honestly more jaded and even less trusting than i already was but I do trust my own judgement more than ever. I feel more confident on spotting red flags. I am learning to be comfortable being alone and spending time doing things alone. i don't allow myself to be pressured by my cousin or anyone to get into another relationship. i'm still seriously struggling to make new friends, because of having been seriously burned by a former "friend"and i'm still struggling to get motivated to begin taking steps towards a new job or career.

hockeymom5592 08/25/2012

Learned is so right, it's not a change that allows you to trust others. You learn to trust yourself again, to not second guess your thoughts and feelings, and to trust your gut. When you trust yourself, and your gut... you can learn to trust the people who earn it, without wondering if you should or not.

Really, learning to trust yourself, your judgement, you own gut....is key to all the rest I think.

JillieBean71 08/25/2012

I experienced abuse throughout my entire life....my narcissistic mother didn't stop being narcissistic just because I turned 18, 25, 30, or 41. She is still a narcissist. I dated her male counterparts and a psychopath or two along the way as well.

For me, who I am is a result of what I have been through. I don't have a before to compare to. What I can list is a few qualities that truly were the result of life of abuse:

I am stronger than "they" believe or want me to be.

I am compassionate, loving, and kind.

I am self-aware and genuine.

I am spiritual.

Every single one of those qualities were ridiculed and often incited rage in my abusers. They made every attempt to rid me of them as best they could, from the moment each of those traits made an appearance.

THEY FAILED. Every single one of their actions strengthened those traits within me and solidified them into my personality.

deleted_user 08/25/2012

Hiya Joanie, I definitely feel I've changed but entirely for the worse. I'm still an intelligent, stable, reasonable and kind person but I am definitely more weary of insensitivity and meanness.

Back when I was in my early 20's I was SO naive. I could have been called a hundred names in one evening and if the perpetrator then smiled and said they were joking, I would have totally bought it. Whereas now, I am called one name and a huge alarm goes off.

I can definitely trust a person. I trust most of my friends but I do "stop trusting/hoping" faster than I did before, which means if someone betrays my trust or hurts me I no longer give them a hundred opportunities. I try to give them more than one because we all screw up but if I see a pattern (the same thing happening 3+ times) I tend to be able to let go now.

I'm just more aware that there is evil out there and if someone keeps hurting you, chances are they either enjoy it or don't care/think it's ok to do it, so you need to be able to remove yourself from those unhealthy situations.

deleted_user 08/25/2012

I meant NOT entirely for the worst.

LOL

deleted_user 08/26/2012

Negative... Fear. Constant fear. Not trusting anyone, being terrified to be vulnerable, afraid to fall emotionally, afraid to argue, afraid to breath sometimes.

Positives... I am a lot more independent. I don't rely on others for anything. I know I can make it through anything and I can convince anyone I am happy and normal even on my worst days.

kazb25 08/26/2012

when i was wiv my ex i totally lost myself. I looked in the mirror and didnt know who it was that was staring back and others also wondered who this new girl was. . . . . And now. . . Im back! . . . I have always been a strong and respectful person who has always loved herself(in the right and healthy sense) and i now feel all those things. I have confidence and an goods light which he had dimmed out. He once made it brighter in me and i think thats why it became confusing because he once encouraged that light and it was the reason he loved me and then became the reason he hated me over time. Wow how sad! . . . Anyway its back now :)

beansprout 08/26/2012

Whilst I was still in my abusive relationship and when I just left it, I think my negative list would have been the same as yours, as well as having an inate need to please everyone so they would like me. Now, 3 months on, and a lot of hard work done on myself, I cant think of anything negative. I am even glad I met my ex, because I am in a really good place now. I am happy, enjoy being on my own, have cut out a lot of people from my life who were no good for me (the same people I was so desperate to please), have new friends, my confidence is returning and I have some new interests and learning new skills. The biggest change though has to be that I am HAPPY!

deleted_user 08/27/2012

Thanks hockeymom for encouraging words. You said, you got out 5 years ago. I am just getting out now and wonder how I am going to ever be myself again. I can't take another year of feeling like this. I am in therapy and doing the work. I haven't forgiven myself yet for staying so long and thinking, He will wake up and change. He had me so brain washed into thinking I was the problem.

Joanieslegacy 08/27/2012

Perhaps Postivie was the wrong word choice. I should of just said how have you changed or coped.

It seems like alot are stronger for it even if it took the umph out while we were in the relationship.

I am at a point now where I feel like I am on auto pilot. I don't like it much, but it is working. I am not missing work so I guess that is good.

Thanks for all the sharing and I hope I get at that place where I don't obsess or let it affect my mood. I am doing good with strength and not contacting so I guess that is a step.

Hugs to everyone.

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