My only answer would be to leave him and work on yourself. He wont change, not ever. You stay with him for life, this will be your life. If you can, get out, get therapy, stay on here and get help and advice, look after yourself and heal. I really hope you find your answer soon

"""""""""""""""does anyone kow how to protect myself from letting their abuse make me ill or get me down"""""""""""""""""""


Yes. The only answer
it to LEAVE.


The more of his toxin to which you're exposed,
the sicker you'll get.

You have no chance of healing
until you're away from the toxin.

as you know llene , i AM leaving , im just waiting on an apartment xx

thanks for your replies , im just trying to find a way of coping while im here xx

i have found personally that after i had enough of him, he got on my nerves more than he did before, i dont think u can stop his abyse effecting u because i guess somethings just are what they are and it will get u down as your only human, i guess focus on the future more then now and know if u are leaving then u will be free from all the BS!

Sorry, New -----

I interact with dozens of survivorxs,
on-line, on the phone and in-person
on any given day. Sometimes I confuse
the dozens of details that go with the stories,
if they aren't fresh in my mind.

I was just answering in a very literal way,
the question you began and ended with.

And ---- leaving soon or never leaving ----
the answer to the question remains the same.

Self-care can somewhat lessen the effect.
But a toxin is a toxin.

Speaking for myself. . . . once I knew
I was on my way out. . . even when my
estimated departure was far off in the
distance, I shared less and less of myself
with him, and detached from him emotionally
a little every day. Talking to my then-best friend
nearly every day, helped me survive.

Sending you prayers for strenght and safety.

Llene........i wasnt having a go at you im just very tired and drained , im really sorry if it came across that way xxx
i always value youre posts so keep them coming xxx

I got to the point where I hated him so much, was so sick of him, that anything he said, I took as either complete garbage, or a bid to keep me happy so that I would stay with him..he told me lots of terrible things about myself in the end, and I let them all go in one ear and out the other...and he told me lots of good things (lies or exaggerations) and I didn't believe them either and let them go in one ear and out the other..

I saw it all as a toilet flushing. 'excuse me dear? what was that? did I just hear a toilet flush?'

(except I never said that of course-I was trying to keep safe)

I just said whatever I thought he wanted to hear me say..while I was secretly packing and making plans to get into the shelter.

I kept in my mind that soon i would be away from all his psychobabble and tried to ignore what i could. I got closer to my support people, a good friend and family and communicated more with them when he wasn't around. That really helped a lot too. Some had suggested that i find local support groups or start seeing a therapist but i found that impossible to do while i was still there as he kept his thumb on me and my whereabouts at all times except when i was at work. Even then he would call me or text me at work umpteen times a day. Just hang on, know that once you get out life WILL get better. You will have some down times too so expect it, but once you get past all that, you won't believe you were ever able to live with the torment he put you through and will see what a strong, independent, wonderful person you really are.

My favorite sanity saver: Whenever my ex went off on one of his "oh, poor me" pity parties where I was the bad guy making him miserable....I would just think to myself, "Damn, it MUST SUCK to be you!" Of course, I would always have to suppress a chuckle or a smile and even sometimes, the urge to say it out loud.

But, as Ilene said, a toxin is a toxin.....There were still times when it was hard to ignore. It's difficult at best to maintain an internal barrier against the constant onslaught of an emotional battering ram. One bad day for any other reason and I was easily torn down at home. Let's not add hormonal fluctuations, times of illness, or the near-constant exhaustion I lived with because he never lifted a finger to help with the house or the kids. So, unless you are at your absolute best in every other way, saving your sanity amounts to having people to talk to and the occasional break....like a 30 minute stroll around the neighborhood.

I wish I had some magic potion for you. I know you are working hard to get things in order to get out. Keep that vision active in your mind every moment that you can. So long as you can see the end getting closer each day, you will find the strength you need to get through whatever he says to you.

My therapist told me that whenever he starts his garbage just to picture the word SICK written across his forehead.

When I do remember to do it, it makes me laugh and remember not to ever take to heart the things he says to me because it is not coming from a well person.

try it.......

Leave. That is the best way but until you can a few things will help. First don't engage in any conversation with them. Only when absolutely necessary. And second when the abuse occurs, immediately walk out of the room or away from them and don't attempt to go back over with them later what they did or how they hurt you. It will only invite them to abuse you more.
And most importantly when the abuse occurs, don't believe anything they have said to you about you. It's all lies designed to make you feel bad about yourself.
And last seriously limit your time with them. Have myriad of excuses ready to not socialize with them and start making plans of your own without them. they don't need to be your chaperone. You have aright to your own life, your own friends without them/him.

"I saw it all as a toilet flushing. 'excuse me dear? what was that? did I just hear a toilet flush?'"
Love this Rachel. I'm going to remmber that the next time I hear abuse.

My therapist told me to visualize him as someone who was powerless, or funny, or stupid. she suggested a clown, big red nose, floppy shoes...

I chose a hobo, a stinky smelly broke guy down by the tracks eating beans out of a can. Probably because back then, that's what I wished for him.

It did help, a little. I think the word "sick" across his forehead is a goo thing. And Rachel's toilet flushing is a good thing too. In fact, my son's gf has issues with her own parents, and I told her when they get out of hand, just say, "I have to go to the bathroom>" Then go in and lock the door until they stop....

Good luck sweetie. Freedom is coming.

I am also in the process of leaving. When things start getting tough, and I start to feel weak, I remind myself how awesome I really am. After all, at this stage I can see him for who/what he really is and I don't believe a word he says anymore...in my mind I am already free. When he says hurtful things, I smile to myself and try to picture the look he'll be wearing on his face when he realises that I've outsmarted him at his own game, when he realises that I've actually left him for good and when he realises that I'm never coming back.....Take care. xx