What you describe sounds pretty normal under the circumstances. I would say continue seeing a therapist to heal your insecurities. You both need to take however much time you both need to heal. He needs to do the same, otherwise, you both will be bringing all "the junk in both your trunks" into the relationship and, IMHO, that is a major reason why 2nd, 3rd, etc. marriages fail at an even higher rate than 1st marriages.

Trust your instincts and be gentle with yourself.

~hugs~

I have am in a relationship with an amazing man who I met a year after divorcing my abuser. He knew I was in an abusive relationship, even before I realized it, so he knew to approach certain things with A LOT of care and patience. And although he came to the relationship in a relatively healthy place we've had some challenges in our time together (some serious trauma) that would be difficult for even the strongest of couples-and guess what? Still going STRONG. 5 years for us now! ;-) He's a friggin saint-and he thinks I'm the saint-we have to agree to disagree on that one,

I think MTC, as usual, gave good advise. Being in a healthy place is key to a good relationship-so therapy is bound to help. Same advise goes for him as well. When two people come at a relationship from a place of mutual respect, compassion and affection-it is amazing what they can overcome together-even the unhealthy stuff may be worked through. If that is the foundation, solutions and compromise can be found to any problem that comes you way. It is such a completely different experience than either or you have had-you with an abuser and him a serial cheater.

It's okay to go slow and to get to know one another. The only way I can think of to get this guy to trust you is to try and have a dialog, about what kinds of things make him feel unsafe and insecure and be aware of them with your interactions of him, show him you are respectful of those triggers, and once over time he sees you have that respect, and you won't hurt him like that he should lesson those fears and insecurities. Communication is vitally important in any relationship-and if you guys are not good at it you want to get good at it. He has to trust you enough to open up a little about what he needs, or it's going no where fast.

I also must add, YOU have gone through trauma also, having been in an abusive relationship. Please make sure he is respectful of those issues for you too, healthy relationships are equitable, equitable, equitable. Not 100% of the time, but over a long period they pretty much should shake out 50-50. We have a tendency, having been abused to put ourselves last, to not assert our own needs and boundaries. When we get into these kinds of relationships in the long hall we can end up feeling taken advantage resentful, and the person who we have not set proper expectations for never feels quite right about things either. Just not a good situ. My advise is basically about boundaries-respecting one another's equally.

You are NOT alone. MANY people struggle with relationships after abuse (and serial infidelity your guy experienced may be considered abuse also). We forget what healthy looks like, let alone how to do it. We carry insecurities, triggers-but you CAN get through it together, with the right guy.

Thank you so much for the encouraging words and advice. I do my best to keep my insecurities to myself and not put them out there to him, I know that is a relationship killer especially when they are my issues. I am so in my own head and naturally overthink everything. I have to learn to let it go and realize that there are good guys out there and he is one of them. I don't want to ruin it.

It really is terrible how lasting the effects of emotional abuse. :-/

Confused, you don't have to live with your insecurities let alone try to hide them. Please get therapy with a QUALIFIED therapist who can help you heal those insecurities.

Learning to let it go, especially without the help of a qualified therapist is VERY difficult. The longer you hold all that in, and tell yourself you need to let them go, the harder it becomes & the longer it takes to heal.

I'm very impressed with this man that he says that he likes you a lot instead of just using the word 'Love" which is a very serious emotion. There are no words that will relieve his anxiety or fear of being hurt again, but your actions can do that. People can say anything but what matters is showing it. Fear keeps all good things from growing to their fullest potential.
Have the two of you discussed possibly seeing a couples Therapist together? That might work well for the two of you.
Hugs GB

I agree with MTC again, if someone can't take your insecurities you either may not be in the best place for a committed relationship because everyone has insecurities-but there is also a point in being insecure where it runs so deep it must be healed because no outside source will ever quell those insecurities AND you will not be able to demand what is good for YOU because you won't really believe you deserve it-it opens you up to being a target for another abuser and missing red flags-since all red flags ultimately have to do with making sure you're treated like you deserve. Or, if they are insecurities being healed that you are working on them you still shouldn't have to hold someone at arms length about them. Your insecurities, your scars from abuse, are part of you, part of your journey, and sharing vulnerabilities is part of intimacy. If you keep your true feelings about yourself, the world, your relationship from someone that is not intimacy. If someone rejects that part of you, how are you supposed to trust that person? And I'm not suggesting that you spill everything all at once, or just rush in to that level of intimacy. I am just concerned for you because you seem way more focused on him and what he needs, than on yourself and what you need.

Yes, abuse sucks. That confusion, second guessing, the over-thinking, the lowered self worth. It definitely makes future relationships harder. That's why you should really take MTC's advise about that therapist, and have some objective, outside help to build you back up and learn new skills. THAT is a really good way to make sure you're doing things to make your next relationship a mutually beneficial one!

I just wanted to agree with the others.

In particular, the thing of hiding who you are from this man. Don't do it. Be who you are, while acknowledging that not all of it is pretty. The best way to get him to trust you is to just move slowly and be trustworthy. I have had the same problem - pretty much every relationship the guy has been in, he's been cheated on. He told me several times early on that the only thing you can believe about what someone tells you is that they told you it. He trusts nobody. Five years later, he still says he doesn't trust me, but it's clear from his actions that he does. And he does in part because I haven't hidden things from him, not even my insecurities. And despite my own trust issues, I trust him because he has shown me he can be trusted.

Let this man see you for who you are. All of you - the good AND the bad. And just be trustworthy (not that I'm suggesting for a moment that you would be otherwise, I'm more saying that it's in the being trustworthy that he will learn to trust you, rather than in any words. We all know that people can say anything, and someone with trust issues will not accept your words until they have seen who you really are).

Thank you so much. You make such great points. I lived for 20 years with trying to prove my worth and value to feel cared about, loved, valued. Although this guy knows my past I never really told him my triggers. I have always been the one to try to make everyone else happy and I get such joy knowing I can. I don't really know what or why this has triggered like it has. When i try to step back and look at the big picture of the situation, there is really no reason for such significant feelings I have. It's not like he is seeing anyone else or not wanting to see me. In fact he accepts more than he turns down and I'd he turns down its only because he has his kids. Maybe it's because in the beginning I have been the one to always plans things and was ok with it and now I would like for him to do it every once in a while.

I thought i was doing so good and finally moving in the right direction. It is so disappointing.

It doesn't help that my ex has moved on to date a girl who has a troubled past and both of them have had very poor judgement with appropriate behavior in front of and with my children. They are so blatantly rude and disrespectful to me in front of my kids, friends and family at our children's events. The lies continue on his part and he of course has his of hating me for no reason. The guy I'm seeing is so supportive when it comes to this as he too has the same issues with his ex.

I just want to be normal. It sucks that my ex did this to me and is living a happy life pretending to be a family with my kids and I struggle to feel normal :'(

Don't look at the dog and pony show your ex puts on for you and judge yourself against it. His whole life is smoke and mirrors, you know this, you lived it for years. He's irrelevant.

"I thought i was doing so good and finally moving in the right direction. It is so disappointing." You are. You very much are. Remember what we said in the beginning - healing isn't linear. It's backwards forwards and sideways, sometimes all at once. The fact that you are seeing this, seeing what you want and where you want to make changes - that's huge. You are not just stumbling blindly, led by your insecurities. You are taking charge of yourself and trying to find a better way. You are making ENORMOUS progress towards genuinely healthy. Enormous.

Don't beat yourself up because you are not perfect. You never will be. But you are making progress, and that's the best any of us can hope for.

Livin, THANK YOU! From the bottom of my heart! Your post made me cry. That is a great way to look at it. Now to remember it. You have been one of the many inspirational for me on this sight for the last 2 years and I truly am thankful for you!