Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I've been in an emotionally/verbally abusive relationship for the last 1.5 years. I figured out I was being abused probably 6 months to a year in. I became pretty depressed due to it and had a lot of suicidal thoughts. He and I have "broken up" and gotten back together many many times. And there were many times where I thought to myself that I'm 100% done. But a week passes or a month and I find myself somehow back in this cycle of abuse. He actually dumped me again a couple days ago, and I find that I don't trust myself at all. Even though since it happened up till now I have thought that I definitely don't want to ever go back. I'm scared of myself. I'm scared I'll let myself go back again. The longest time we've been broken up before this was about a month. I completely blocked him on everything. And I think back then and even now the way I handled it was by numbing myself, because the pain was too great. And also by hating the shit out of him. I never hated someone so much in my life and I was in denial. I refused to let myself feel pain for someone who didn't deserve it. But after I did that for a whole month, eventually my emotions caught up to me and I broke down. And that's basically when he showed up back in my life. Clearly the only reason I kept giving him chances and taking him back was because I am an empathetic and emotional person who has feelings. So now how do I stop myself from going back to him without becoming this cold heartless person? Or without forcing myself not to feel things anymore. Or without cutting off any empathy, sympathy, feelings that I have for him. Because I really don't know how to do this without numbing myself. Or without trying to cultivate and grow every hateful feeling that I have towards him.
I feel like a huge part of why a break up with an abusive relationship is so much harder than a regular break up is because you're not only grieving for the loss of that person. But that person literally messed up your whole world. That person made you question everything about yourself. Your self-love, your self-esteem. And they most likely took more from you than you were able to give, and in the end just left you to die and rot by yourself. So it's not just "oh we didn't work out because we weren't compatible, life goes on". Its so many more emotions and feelings and thoughts that are so hard to process. Like "why did this happen to me? How could he do this to me? What did i do to deserve this? Why would he do this? Did he ever care? Did he ever love me? Will I ever feel normal again?" And you feel anger, hate, devastation, loss, depression, sadness all while feeling lost and confused at the same time. It's so much and I don't know how to handle it.
I don't know how to heal because I have to numb myself or the pain will be too great. I don't know how to move on because the only way I can block him out is by literally forcing myself to become empty and cold and emotionless. By perhaps, pretending he doesn't exist and never has. But it only takes one slip-up to go back into that cycle of abuse. One moment of weakness. One moment of vulnerability. One moment of raw, vulnerable emotional pain. One phone call. And you're right back in that endless nightmare. So what happens this time when my emotions catch up to me? What happens when I get tired of pretending?
Accept ALL the feelings and just know that its okay to feel everything at once. Don't fight it. Feel it, acknowledge it, and then decide to work on them one by one WITHOUT him. it will not be easy but it will be worth it. Some days were good for me and other days were bad. But share it with 1 or 2 very good friends you trust. Do not be alone. surround yourself with good people only. when he calls Hear what he is saying but remember your decision. If you know he will confuse you block every probability of him being able to contact you and if he forces himself into your life; respectfully and firmly tell him to go away. Repeat a hundred times if you must, even if he cries and even if he threatens to kill himself, If your heart hurts, just cry. cry it all out no matter how weak you feel, or how vulnerable you feel, or how alone you feel. Cry it out till you sleep. the next day brings new things and it does get better. Trust me there are days I still feel bad for leaving him. but then i remember all the shit i went through and i know its not what i want neither is it the kind of life i want. I forgive myself for being in that situation but I somehow managed the strength to leave. that's all you should focus on. There IS someone else out there who wants to love you in such a way that you could never imagine. Save yourself for yourself and him instead.
I had to accept and understand he will never see what he did as wrong and that's unfortunate. It took me a long time to accept and even now there are days that i get upset thinking he may be happy somewhere while I'm here dealing with my scars but karma will fight our battles. for sure. I just made sure i told him everything Id ever wanted to say. left no stone unturned and closed that chapter of my life. Its the best damned decision i ever made. If its the hate that has to start you out fine but youre gonna have to let it go eventually for yourself to heal. And you have to let yourself heal because you deserve it. and that's allowing so many good things that he was blocking to flow into your life. You won't regret it. I'm still on a path of learning to truly love myself but i get better everyday.
I know this may be a lot and depending on the current situation may be unnecessary now. but I just had to reach out. Hope it helps you or at least someone else out there.