Besides divorcing my abuser, there are several things I did/do that have really helped me focus on myself and begin to heal.

therapy with a good therapist - make sure your kids get into therapy as well w/someone who specializes in recovery from abuse & PTSD

guided imagery (there's some great inexpensive ones on www.healthjourneys.com - you can download one for free to see if you like it. That's how I started. I've used several now, especially the ones for PTSD, anxiety, & a few others.
.
meditation or prayer or both (especially outside)

spending time in nature

practicing daily gratitude - this was a life changer for me. I started & stopped several times, but I finally figured out I don't need to find big things to be thankful for. Seeing a rose in bloom or a butterfly is all I need to be thankful. What we focus on expands, so the more I found things for which to be grateful, the more positives I found in my life.
positive affirmations - say them as if they already exist, even if we don't mean or feel them. The guided imagery I referred to above includes positive affirmations.

journaling - off line and here where you can get support & feedback from your DS friends

finding creative outlets - find a hobby. I love writing poetry, flower arranging, photography & making jewelry.

taking classes - I took kinds thru the local college adult ed & I also am in training for a new career & I learned and now practice Reiki (energy work)

find a great discussion group (or book club)

Be kind to & patient w/yourself - I'm doing my 'work' (therapy) so I can heal and learn to set & keep healthy boundaries. This doesn't happen over night and it's not a linear journey.


allowing yourself as much time as you need to heal - it's sucky to feel the way we do, but we didn't get here over night, so we're not gonna get over it quickly.

The thing is when you take care of you, and heal yourself, your kids will heal too. They can pick up on how your feeling no matter how well you think you're hiding it, so the sooner you start healing, the sooner they will too.

I highly recommend reading The Art of Extreme Self Care by Cheryl Richardson. It's an easy read and is meant to do one chapter a month.

Other good books are The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle & Peace is Every Step by Thich Nhat Hanh.

~Big healing hugs~

Thank you so much for all of the info you shared MTC :)
I'm overwhelmed! I was looking at the healthjourney site and there are so many wonderful items there. I'll get those books you suggested as well - I feel they will be extremely helpful.

I'm understanding this is a process and it took some time to get to this point. I wish there was a quick fix. But I know this will take time.

I just want to feel whole again.

Sending strength and hugs,

If you are free and happier, it WILL be beneficial for your children. And as your daughters grow, you can talk to them about men, tell them that they must have respect from a man, that they have to matter, too, in a marriage. And you will be credible when you tell them that, because you were strong enough to reject a disrespectful partner and be true to yourself!

MTC nailed it,
as she so often
does.

I have an exercise
(which I developed),
that I give just about
every new client.

I call it, "The Hundred and One."

As with the Clarifying exercise,
I use index cards (for several
reasons, the primary one being
that they are non-linear).

Again, as with the Clarifying
exercise, ONE item PER CARD,
write down anything that makes
you feel good, excited, warm,
happy, delighted. . . . anything
positive.

What you write down can be
anything, big or small. It can
be an activitiy, a place, a color,
a large category (like music,
nature or cooking). It can be
a detail, like a particular song,
a favorite plant or a dish or
ingredient. It can be something
from your childhood or something
you fantasize about doing in the
future. The only must, here, is
that it's specific to you and the
briefest thought makes you happy.
If you find yourself mentally judging
it from anyone else's perspective,
laugh aloud and write it down.
It's YOURS. It doesn't matter
what anyone else might think.

(If it's something that's
irrefutably unhealthy,
like smoking cigarettes
or doing a destructive
street drug, I'd suggest
leaving it out of this
collection.)

I challenge my clients
(WITHOUT NUMBERING
the cards), to generate
at least a hundred and
one cards. The exercise
doesn't have to be completed
in one sitting. If making a
list feels easier or more
natural, than do it that way,
at least to start.

This exercise helps someone
who has historically been
focused on everyone else,
begin to see what it would
take to redirect that focus.

There are benefits to generating
the cards in the first place, and
then there are continuing benefits
to having a stack of cards that
document what makes us happy.

SELF-CARE is a great thing.
It can be a remedy, it can be
rehabilitation. It can be
something that helps us
both survive and eventually,
thrive.

I have learned that what works best for me is to try to work in putting others first. I find that the most fulfillment and joy comes in putting others first. The key is that this can't be at the expense of your own needs and feelings, which happens in abusive situations.When an abuser isn't demanding it, we may give it out of fear or to try to keep the peace.

I believe in scripture not because I should, but because I've lived life without living by it and now I've lived life with it and it honestly is a better, happier, healthier life. There is a simple principle which will likely sound familiar and that is: God first, others second, yourself last. This is the principle that brings the most joy and health to my heart. Again, this is not at the expense or denial of your own needs but I have found it to be true that when you give, you get. The trick is to realize when you are not helping another person by giving, by doing something for them they should be doing for themselves. A question might be "Would doing this encourage or support this person in a way that encourages growth?"

I have also found I can get down when I get too self absorbed in my own issues. This again for me is tricky bc there are genuine hardships and trials I am facing so obviously I need to spend some time working through those things. But there can be a point when your issues *define* your life. That is a warning to me that I need to put focus elsewhere.

I find that when I am being diligent in seeking out people that need help it gives me cause to be grateful, as MTC and others have mentioned, because I see I am not alone in my struggles and others are facing very difficult things that often feel more challenging than what I'm experiencing.

Notmyself, I think many of us can testify that we have put so much energy into keeping our difficult people happy that we do feel like we cease to exist as our own person. It has been said that abusers- namely narcissists- view their SO as an extension of themselves. I think you have an exciting journey in getting to know yourself and all the unique things you have to offer! You have just been in an environment where that wasn't nurtured or encouraged.

I guess here's a way to look at it. How I have seen my own life is like a mixed up dresser. There are socks in the tshirt drawer, dress pants flopped in rather than being hung in the closet, an occasional solitary shoe mixed in with shorts. I have found that the key pieces are there, just all unorganized while some things needing to be removed. An abuser demands that every drawer be not only filled but to have items inserted that don't belong in those drawers. Weekly he also has you move the tshirt drawer to the short drawer and so on. Finally you are just sitting there with a chaotic mess and it is exhausting. When you try to find something to wear (your unique personality) you don't even know where to begin looking for it bc the drawers and items are all mixed up. And you never can find that matching shoe....

So maybe its a matter of making sure you have your own dresser (no sharing on that one). Then only loaning out items to friends that you either trust to get back or won't be crushed if they don't return. Call it boundaries if you will. Only buy things you feel good in and look good on you. Occasionally it may be good for you to buy something a trusted friend says is totally you even if it seems a little "out there" (I talked myself into buying some leopard print pants and when I am gutsy enough to pull them out I wear them with pride!). Notmyself, find your own kind of leopard pants and wear them proudly! :-)

Far - I do believe that my children will be better off if I am happier with myself.

ILene - thats another great exercise that I will do.
It's funny tho because my first thought when I read it was, wow thats gonna take time to think of me and what I like and want.... I don't have that kind of time! But I realize, I need to MAKE that time for me. AND it's NOT being selfish. It's taking care of and nurturing myself.

Godis - I'm trying hard to look at this as an exciting journey and next chapter of my life...I'll admit, it's difficult and often I am sad - just a mix of emotions - sad, angry, agitated, bitter, scared. I Know I need to work through these feelings. I hope to someday find my "leopard pants" and be happy in them :)

"""""""""It's funny tho because my first thought when I read it was, wow thats gonna take time to think of me and what I like and want.... I don't have that kind of time! But I realize, I need to MAKE that time for me. AND it's NOT being selfish. It's taking care of and nurturing myself."""""""""""

EXACTLY!!!!!!!

Yep, that is quite a task- to know what you really like and not what you've learned to like. I've had to walk around and ask myself "If my H werent here would I do that/ would I choose that?" Its then that I realized how much I morphed into what my H wanted.

And that is not selfish! :-)

its sad we outgrow our relationships , sometimes its hard to find ourselves because your trying to keep balance for everyone else and we are way busier now day on top of that we are so in tune to bad news from around the world .
it all becomes too much outside events only contribute to it ,my suggestions are put on head phones plat it a levels you are feeling better at no words only it well help you think i found with raising 6 kids and my irritating cheating ex husband .
of course there's are some way out circumstances with him his girlfriend and him try ed to poisons me , my six year old told me he was putting white stuff in my food and meds ssi judge agreed, but they are now married and out of my hair they should of went to jail
so finding myself has been difficult to find me in all this .
i wrote a list of thing i wanted to find out about myself i have accomplished a few things like reaching higher than before of course there is prayer meditation also exsersizing help as well it keeps body and mind in snyc . also i wrote a list of what i liked about myself and what i wanted to change finding support is a good thing i think our heart know the truth we just dont want to believe whats it feeling . i hope this help beem where you are hugs minnie

I can relate to the morphing. Because i feel I'm a people pleaser, I would let him chose a restaurant, or not argue a point if he complained about something I did or one of my family members. I tend to just nod and go with the flow. THAT'S what's so struggling for me. Because I feel I contributed to making matters worse.
I have practically no boundaries. And I'm working on that.

Minnie - I'm so sorry for what you went through. That was horrible what he did and so very sad one of your children witnessed that. I'm glad you're free of him now and it's wonderful that you've made the time to rediscover YOU ... You certainly have your hands full w 6 children ... ;)

Sending hugs,

Wow, wish I hadtaken the time to read this earlier. Great ideas. I'm freaking out because aside from sitting on the beach at the ocean, listening to the waves, and just "being", I can't think of a single thing I like to do. Gonna start my index cards right now :-) Thanks for this thread! We must be on some psychic wavelength here lol :-)

Well, as a busy mom and wife it can definitely be important to set aside some time to work on yourself. Sometimes we women get so caught up in taking care of those around us we forget that we also need moments to recharge. So, I'm glad you've found some of the suggestions offered here helpful.

I also just wanted to mention a couple articles that I think give some ideas on how to take care of yourself at http://bit.ly/1iCsMyT and http://bit.ly/LGDARc. Just FYI.

Lastly, as far as some of the struggles with your husband, have you two ever considered counseling? I didn't see if you mentioned that, but that can go a long way towards helping you get your frustrations out and express how you've been feeling.

Well, I hope things start improving for both you and your family. Keep us posted on how you're doing!

Hi Garden - thank you for the links!

This isn't my first post Ive been here a few months.

But yes, I took my husband, kicking and screaming, to MC back in Jan of 2012. He was against it, very self-centered and didn't follow through with it. We stopped after a few sporadic sessions. The controlling, and manipulating continued and in the fall of 2012 I insisted again that we go for MC because I felt he was no longer my partner. I work for a company for 15 years f/t - but for the last 12 years I've been able to work from home. During the last 9 years we've had 2 children. He has never taken my work from home seriously. He expects me to do everything for the house and our children WHILE working f/t.

And all he does is do his one f/t job. Out at an office, co-mingling with people, having lunches, chamber meetings after work, dinners with clients - all grown up stuff for HIM.

Ive tried talking to him numerous times over the last 3 years when I really saw the shift and started feeing resentment towards him. He was depressed with his many changing jobs and the financially bind it put us in, so on top of everything I was doing, I took on side jobs for my family.

And what did he do.... he would make me feel guilty and selfish for wanting some ME time on the weekend - a few hours out to grab coffee with a friend or do some light shopping or even errands. It became suffocating.

I have had enough, I felt beaten down, insecure, stripped on my self esteem and spirit. I asked for a separation - he refused to leave. All we were doing was arguing. It was effecting the whole household. I insisted again on MC in Oct of 2012. He agreed. We gave it a full 3 months weekly. And in jan 2013 we took the tools we got from MC and implemented them. But I was still resentful bc his attitude towards me had not changed. And what I'd come to realize is that he manipulated the MC and ended up looking like "Mr Family Guy" bc he said all he wanted was for the 4 of us to spend more time together as a family. Whereas at the time I agreed to it - because I felt guilty - again - we started every weekend doing family things together. But in order to do that, I had to give up ME time. Time just for myself. I'm in this house 24/7. And i didn't realize it, but he used the MC to manipulate her into making ME do MORE for HIM.

Finally I had become so depressed, over his repeated patterns of manipulation and control and I asked for yet another separation. I was suffocating. He refused. Again. But said he will stay downstairs - and has been since Oct 2013.

Over all this time, I've grown very detached. I dont like him as a person and have fallen out of love with him.

And yet....I still feel badly if I make the first move with the divorce bc he will say - I gave up - whereas he was still willing to "make things work".

Our problems have been going on for 3 years, and Ive been able to trace his subtle abusive behaviors back 12 years.

I am in IC now since October with someone who specializes in abuse and who is helping me to realize I am not crazy or selfish. I have been beaten down. I am working on ME now - but it is so damn hard when Ive always been the one to help others - which is OK as long as it doesn't cross the line and become at my expense...which sadly it has.

Phew...sometimes I just need to get it all out again - it helps - I think. I wasn't yelling or getting defensive with you...just letting it out. I have a lot of anger inside me :(

Thanks for that reply, notmyself. It's good to understand a little more about your situation and how much effort you've evidently put into trying to work on this marriage. I know you can't control what your husband chooses to do or how he responds and acts towards you, and that can certainly be one of the most frustrating and painful things to go through as a wife. But, I'm glad you're still doing some individual counseling and that it seems to be helping you. That's really the best step you can take for yourself and your own well-being. So, I hope things improve for you and you're able to figure out what's best for you and your family. I'll keep you in my prayers!