Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
How do you find a therapist who understands Domestic Emotional Abuse?
The last couple I have seen keep trying to explain that if I can just learn to stand up for myself my marriage will be fine.
I keep trying to explain that I do stand up for myself but no matter what I do or how I do it, its wrong.
Then I get punished in covert ways that I have a hard time describing without the therapist writing it off as being some silly thing. "Is he really making you feel ashamed or are you just perceiving that because you have low self esteem?"
I've been told that because I am not physically abused, its not "abuse."
I've read Bancroft's book and it describes my relationship except that I have not been hit. Ever.
How do you find a therapist?
Has anyone else experienced this?
The last couple I have seen keep trying to explain that if I can just learn to stand up for myself my marriage will be fine.
I keep trying to explain that I do stand up for myself but no matter what I do or how I do it, its wrong.
Then I get punished in covert ways that I have a hard time describing without the therapist writing it off as being some silly thing. "Is he really making you feel ashamed or are you just perceiving that because you have low self esteem?"
I've been told that because I am not physically abused, its not "abuse."
I've read Bancroft's book and it describes my relationship except that I have not been hit. Ever.
How do you find a therapist?
Has anyone else experienced this?
D.S., though I'm sorry
for the circumstances
that compelled you to
need to be on this forum.
Second. . . . . in general,
therapists are not trained
in the nuances of emotional
abuse. Even some therapists
who understand the dynamics
of physical battery many not
get it. I'm sorry those are the
ones you've encountered.
If you haven't tried it yet,
here is the number for
your state's coalition:
(800) 782-6400
There may be
(there's SUPPOSED
to be!), someone there
who understands
emotional abuse.
Third ----- counselors
whose specialty is
emotional abuse
must be searched for.
Send me a private message
and I'll see if I can help you
with that.
Please practice SELF-CARE.
Sending you hugs
and healing wishes.
I suspect that many therapists who do recognize what's going on don't feel it's ok to suggest to their client that they should leave as they don't think it's w/in the appropriate scope of their practice. (That's JMHO based on my personal experience.)
Of all of the therapists I've seen over the years (and I've seen some doozies), only two have truly helped me. What I also discovered is that some of the things they each said to me were almost identical. The reason I didn't "get it" until after working w/the second one for a quite a while isn't because the first one wasn't good. It was because I wasn't ready to deal with it yet.
That's because it takes time to heal and we've lived with a LOT of TRAUMA, so our psyche's do what they can to protect us from having to relive it. When you find the right therapist, you will be able to go thru the pain to get past it safely and more easily than you think. There will be tears and anguish, but releasing those is key to recovery.
In addition to what Ilene suggested, you might want to interview each prospective therapist and have specific questions to ask, such as:
1. What is your background/training in emotional abuse? (there should be more than "we covered that in college classes, etc."
2. What is your background/training in recovery from trauma/ptsd? (again, there should be more than "we covered that in college classes, etc.") You could even ask what their understanding of trauma and pstd is so you can compare therapists.
3. What modalities do you use when working w/clients who have been in or are still in an abusive/toxic environment? (IMHO, CBT and/or talk therapy alone don't get it for this level of treatment. One would probably need additional modality like hypnotherapy, EMDR, EFT, guided imagery, etc., knowing that what works for one may not work as well for another.)
4. What is your goal/plan for therapy & recovery from trauma/abuse/ptsd?
Recovery from abuse is a process and it takes a good amount of time because abuse damages the psyche as well as the brain. And it can take time to find the right therapist. You might also ask around, especially others who have left abusive relationships and seem to be doing well, who they saw. I found my current therapist by word of mouth. Three different people recommended her.
Talking w/them before actually starting therapy can give you a sense of who they are. Allow yourself however much time it takes and ultimately, TRUST YOUR INTUITION when it comes to selecting a therapist.
Why are people allowed to counsel abuse victims and do marriage counseling without understanding what emotional abuse is?
**Thank you very much for your replies!
My new therapist said she was an "abuse" counselor and that she understood emotional abuse, but I don't think she does.
I will ask her those questions.
A note about CBT: Its great but, I find that it doesn't work for Emotional Abuse because it seems to teach you to ignore your nagging thoughts that something is wrong. This is the opposite of what we should be doing.