Hey I can totally empathize! Check out my thread on "how to focus on You". There are some great replies, filled with suggestions and exercises to do. Very helpful :)

Hugs xo

Sweets, im trying to figure out the same damn thing. And I haven't a clue. I guess we both have to try some different things until we find what we like.

You know what I started with many years before I got out of the marriage? I did a my favorites list that was very simple. My favorite color, song, movie, tv show, food, outfit, animal, season, subject in school. Then I made a list of what I liked doing. Whenever I didn't have an answer, I asked myself what sounds like fun or what sounds interesting.

There are lots of online free interest & personality tests that can help you see where you are right now.

Don't expect to know yourself right away. When we're in abusive relationships, we lose a huge part of ourselves over time. So it will take time to rediscover who we are. And, as you heal you will see yourself & your interests change.

Yeah the responses to notmy's thread were good. And just sit and think for a bit about what you'd like to try. Then try it - if you don't like it, try something else. It's hard, and it will be REALLY hard while you are still dealing with all that other stuff, but slowly you can do it.

The other thing to think about is some of the things you've done because you have to or because he wants to - well, some of them might actually be enjoyable if it weren't for his influence. Maybe it's too early to look at those things (took me a couple of years to be able to watch the tv shows we both liked). Maybe think back to when you were a kid, some of the things you wanted to do then - it doesn't have to be "grown up" stuff. :-)

I have had the same issue. What I realized I need to retrain my brain. Its like you need to know how to even think about thinking about it. Hope that makes sense!?!

I think it involves a lot of practice. Something you can do to learn about who you are is a practice you can do anywhere at any time. Start by looking around the room. (I have found this a better exercise to do somewhere besides a home shared with a current or past abuser to have the best clarity). Okay so look around and notice what you see. The colors, shapes, tastes. What appeals to you? Why do you like it? Why do you dislike it? I think this practice of self awareness is a good way to also help yourself emotionally/mentally to recognize what and why you're feeling. Is it anger or fear? Joy or relief?

Do you like jazz music? If so, why? If not, why? Do you like spicy food? What is your favorite color? (these are rhetorical questions!) Do you like art deco, rustic, contemporary furnishings? These are insignificant issues but bc they are insignificant they are a good place to start training your brain to be in tune with your heart.

Something else I've done is think about the times your abuser has been gone. The times you can do whatever you wanted without fearing backlash. What do you choose to do? Eat? Going back to those instances I think is also helpful.

Thanks, I just went and read the responses to that thread. Great ideas, it's amazing how many times I'm feeling something specific in a moment, get on the site, and realize someone else is going through the exact same thing at that moment.

Something else I just thought of. Most of us don't have PERMISSION to even consider what we might like.

So that might be where you want to start. Giving ourselves permission isn't as easy as it sounds. Some of us have been told that when we think of ourselves first that we are selfish and self-centered. Many years ago a wise woman suggested I replace those words with self-caring.

It took time and practice, and I'm still not all that great at it, but I'm getting better.

Try just being in a place of observation. Be like a camera. No judgments, but take 'snapshots' of things that you feel or sense would be enjoyable. Keep a notebook w/you and jot down that 'snapshot' for future reference. Pretty soon, you'll have a list of things you're attracted to and that can be your springboard. Give yourself permission to try one thing. If it doesn't work out, move on to the next.

Oh I am glad I am not alone. Someone asked me a few years ago what I did for fun. I was mortified that I could not answer.
I agree with MTC..you probably haven't given yourself permission to enjoy anything for a long time. We are in the same boat. Allow yourself time to figure things out and ALLOW yourself your OWN opinion.
Example: Many people keep telling me to try all these different teas to help me relax. The other night I came to the realization.. I really don't like tea! And I gave myself permission for that to be OK. It may sound ridicuolous but for me that was a big step.Don't judge what you come up with as an enjoyable activity. I love to color!!

Ileen has an exercise to make like 200 index cards of things you like to do. First of all it was a great activity because it kept me busy, made me think and find out some things about myself. It can be as easy as lighting candles or watching Law and Order.

I can so relate to this. I know a few things that I like, but I almost never allow myself to do them. I feel too responsible about my kids. I feel I should only do what I 'should' be doing. Even if all of the important things are already done, I will dream up something else. I couldn't do what I wanted when I lived with my father, and I continued on by choice when I got married. Focusing always on what would make things nice for my husband, then later our kids. It's like I punish myself over and over again! So sad. Thanks for the thread. Looks like I am also due for some self-awareness and care.

Wow.

Good thread.

I have gotten better about actually being a person that has things that *I* like to do but that index card exercise about what I enjoy is a fantastic idea.

Thank you! Let me know
how it works for you.

p.s. ----

Actually I call it
"The Hundred and One."

Don't worry about how many
but I figure most of us can
generate at least a hundred
and one.

You don't need 200, but if
you get to that kind of number. . . .
good for you!!!!!!!

Ileen, I couldn't remember the exact number as they are sitting right here by my computer. I know it was a great exercise for me and it kept me busy on some dark days. Thank you.

Hi Sweet,

It has taken me about a year (the time it took for me to leave him, decide to leave him and freedom from his influences) to get a clear picture of who and what I am, let alone what I like to do!!!

True Colors has a good point.... Most of us do not know because we were not ALLOWED to know! We had to ask permission for just about everything or risk the earth-shattering, nerve wracking wrath and rejection of the person we loved most- even more than ourselves!

We are shifting the paradigm by focusing on ourselves! Ultimately, that is what therapy is asking us to do... Which is why many of these questions never even pertain to us until we are given the space- and with it, clarity- to think about ourselves and what we do need to feel healthy, whole and connected to our deep inner selves.

The biggest way to begin this journey is by practicing self-care. That is why it is preached over and over again on this site, and anywhere else where the focus is on self-esteem or improving one's self. You see, we are faced with an absence of self where the abuser is the complete and utter self-consumption of who they are. This imbalance has to exist for the relationship to remain functioning. However, it isn't healthy. And we all know that what isn't healthy either breaks, dies or withers away. So I applaud you for even THINKING about what makes you HAPPY!

One of the things that worked for me was perusing groupon, social living and amazon offerings of local businesses and seeing what struvk my fancy! Was it an art class? Wine tasting? Bowling? A masage? A pedicure? Ghost tours? Or glass blowing?

They all seemed so seemingly random, but I learned just from what made me click on an ad a litttle something about myself. I learned that I was artistic and creative with a wide range of interests that I never even knew I had! Also the great deals on massages gave me permission to indulge in something I had always thought of as frivolous before. While there is a time and a place for everything, discovery is a lot fun!

Just look at it as a game! :)

I like this

I don't like this

I also want to add, most importantly, that I started off small... I have always loved baths since I was a little child. Perhaps it was because I wasn't always allowed one, as sitting in soap gave me an allergic reaction. As an adult, I would often find myself luxuriating in a hot rub every chance I could get. I would sneak out of my hotel rooms late at night, scour the fence and sit in the hot tub after hours... I loved it!!! When I left my ex, I began to take nightly baths. I would light candles and bring in a good book. I would allow myself to just be held by the water.... It soothed me. And it was free!

It was these mini-indulgences that saved my sanity many times!! Also,I love really good chocolates. There is a store by my house that sells gourmet chocolates. Each week, I would go in and pick out two. Then twice during the week, I would indulge in my car and where nobody would see me... That way, I didn't have to share! LOL! And it felt good to do something that no one else knew about- like I was reclaiming a piece of me a bit at a time!

Go forth, and explore! The world is your oyster...

P.S. I also really loved to restore old furniture, so right now I am looking for workspace to renovate old pieces. It is soothing and miraculous to bring out the beauty in the old! Kinda know the feeling... ;)

GOOD LUCK! :)