Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
it may be a stupid question, but i don't know how to do it. my whole life-even before the abuse-i have let people use me for a doormat.
in elementary school, i was picked on and the school tried to leave me out of a couple field trips because i was a "liability". i had a fight with my best friend in 3rd grade because there was a big misunderstanding between our families. she screamed at me and tolld me she never wanted to see me again. three months later, she was asking to come over.
in high school, my choir director had some issues with disabled students. i don't know what his problem was, but he didn't like any of the disabled girls in choir. he held me back in a younger class and refused to pass me. (i have been studying music my whole life. if there's any class in the world i can pass, it's choir.) he even yelled at me once for being "too happy" onstage.
one of my aides at that school didn't like me either. she thought i was making up an aspect of my disability...that i was faking it.
and then my mother was verbally physically and emotionally abusive. my stepmother was verbally abusive.
so my WHOLE LIFE i have had this paralyzing fear of conflict. i'd rather not say anything then face the very idea of maybe losing a friend or upsetting someone. i know this is not healthy. i need to stand up for myself, but i honestly don't know how. sorry this is so long. i'm just trying to show that there's a pattern here.-fallon
in elementary school, i was picked on and the school tried to leave me out of a couple field trips because i was a "liability". i had a fight with my best friend in 3rd grade because there was a big misunderstanding between our families. she screamed at me and tolld me she never wanted to see me again. three months later, she was asking to come over.
in high school, my choir director had some issues with disabled students. i don't know what his problem was, but he didn't like any of the disabled girls in choir. he held me back in a younger class and refused to pass me. (i have been studying music my whole life. if there's any class in the world i can pass, it's choir.) he even yelled at me once for being "too happy" onstage.
one of my aides at that school didn't like me either. she thought i was making up an aspect of my disability...that i was faking it.
and then my mother was verbally physically and emotionally abusive. my stepmother was verbally abusive.
so my WHOLE LIFE i have had this paralyzing fear of conflict. i'd rather not say anything then face the very idea of maybe losing a friend or upsetting someone. i know this is not healthy. i need to stand up for myself, but i honestly don't know how. sorry this is so long. i'm just trying to show that there's a pattern here.-fallon
The first step for me was seeing myself as I truly am. It takes some work to dig through the layers of distorted images ingrained by others, but - how far would you dig to find a diamond? *smile
Sending graceful strength your way
(((hugs)))
First ---- this is NOT a stupid question.
Second. . . .
Yes. You're absolutely right about there being a pattern.
You wrote:
my whole life-even before the abuse- . . . . . . .
My heart goes out to you, because you've been
a target of abuse your whole life.
Now it's time to begin to break the old pattern.
The first step is:
When someone says or does something that
feels uncomfortable or hurts you, recognize it,
respect it ---- HONOR IT.
Don't "go along" when you're hurting, just to
keep the peace.
Don't say everything is fine when it's not.
Don't say yes when you want to say no.
It's a process to get to be able to do these things.
The very first step, as I said just above ---- is to
NOTICE your feelings.
The second step is to
RESPECT your feelings.
The third step is to
HONOR your feelings.
That means taking care of yourself first.
I'm not saying you're supposed to be mean
to others. But you've been the target of
disrespect pretty much your whole life.
At this point, you're ENTITLED to focus
on your needs and to put them first, for
awhile, till you get to understand how
it feels to do that and how it feels to
take care of yourself.
That's my position, in regards to your
absolutely-NOT-STUPID question.
Because THAT'S how you're going
to end the pattern that's enabled
others to be disrespectful to you
pretty much your whole life.
As I've already said in other threads
this morning, some things that help are:
the right therapist
a support group
books
real friends
practicing self-care
practice practicing self-care
a balanced life
patience
All the best to you. Much love.
Also, consider getting angry. Really. I know it seems ridiculous, but I have used my anger to hold my own, to demand respect, and to be treated fairly. What is the worst case scenario of getting angry? You might actually get what you want and show others you deserve and demand to be treated respectfully.
I so know how you feel...I too avoid confrontation but have found that sometimes you can confront politely and without anger as well. Also, sometimes it's OK to lose a friend and to upset someone. Some people can be very self centered and selfish and need a reality check.
I know it's all easier siad than done. Start small and work up to larger issues. I am so conflict averse that I would not confront a sales clerk who short changed me. This is where I started by politely pointing out their error. Work up to larger confrontations and will find that this gives you enormous power and freedom. Hugs to you hon...
Little steps to start with, until you learn just how good it feels to stand up for yourself. And how to do it without actually having to have a confrontation every time.
The Bible does not teach us to ignore our own needs. If you do not take care of yourself, you will have nothing left to give to others.