Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I made the huge decision to get out some time ago.I have planned for a long time for this,and now I have told him it is over.This was around 3 weeks ago.But, bet you can guess, it is not so easy to tell a control freak abuser that you are done with him, after putting up with his ways for the better part of 25 years.He is relentless with the control ,it's different now,he is grasping all over the place to get me to agree that it can work, he refuses to give up!! I am a nervous wreck too!He is so determined that he will do whatever, to make it work! I don't believe a word he say's but, oh my goodness he is wearing me out, with his relentless talking, his I'm not giving up, we are going to work this out, I'm not leaving,I wont let you leave and take my daughter,get us counselling(what a joke!),I'll do whatever I have to,but hasn't done 1 thing, he is pathetically grasping at ever word to get me back under his complete control, and wont except what I'm saying to him!But as my friend told me last night he is doing what has always done that has worked I guess I couldn't expect the leaving to be easy like with a normal situation but I will not give up no matter what he does.I just need a strong will, and I don't have that, and strong nerves, and I don't have that either!!!I feel very weak from the many years of his progressive abuse, his progressive alcoholism, and I pretty much feel alone,as if only 2 ppl in this world believe me! and thank God! for you all here,my 2 friends and you guys are getting me to that other side, that I will make it to!!!! THANKS my Friends!!!
Please STOP TALKING to him about your intentions.
As you already know, talking with him, sharing
with him, trying to reason with him are all futile.
By INFORMING him of your intentions, you're
SABOTAGING your ability to implement those intentions.
Abusers HATE to lose their victims.
They will ultimately do just about
ANYTHING
to prevent their victims from escaping.
Stop telling him it's over
and just, quietly, go about
getting your leaving logistics
together. In essence, what
you need to do is to plan
your escape as if you're
a POW and are secretly
tunneling out. If you were
a POW, you wouldn't be
telling your captors that,
oh by the way, you're intending
to break out when you get
yourself together. Of course
not. You'd do what you need
to do, as quielty as possible.
That's what you need to do,
to escape from an abuser.
To effectively escape from abuse,
you secretly get yourself together,
move your things out when he's
not home, and inform him from
far away that he's being served.
Maybe you can give him the
choice of where he'd prefer
to meet the server.
And if there's half a chance
he could be violent, you may
even want an order of protection
in place, or ready to be put
in place.
THAT's how you leave an abuser.
Till you have your pieces in place to escape,
if he asks, "So, how are we doing?" you
shrug and reply, "About as well as can
be expected."
Please. . . . . take your intentions
UNDERGROUND. DON'T try
to convince him of your intentions.
Just get your plan in place,
make it happen, and then
deal with what comes up
after that. There' ll be
plenty enough to deal
with, without giving him
the opportunity to stop
you, before you make
it happen.
Some of the things you mentioned remind me of my ex, like when he'd say, "I will never give up on us"...Now I see it for what it was, controlling and a bit of a scary statement.
The point is, he broke the marriage contract, and has continued doing so for 25 years ~ he no longer has the choice...the choice to continue ruining you and your child's lives.
I thought it was interesting too how your stbx said for you to 'get us counseling'. Not much initiative right there.
Keep a low profile, be safe, and keep sharing here when you need to vent...hugs!
I remember that whole see saw only too well. In fact, just the other day I was re-reading some of our last "conversations" (we talked on line more than in person, even when in the same house, it was ridiculous - if I asked him a question, he'd ignore me until I was downstairs on my computer, then he'd answer). And it was just like you say - he said and did anything to keep me confused. And it worked for such a long time. And then I finally had enough and just hit him with the stealth attack. He didn't see it coming, so he didn't prepare for it, didn't talk me out of it and didn't have a response (it was reporting him for yet another breach of the restraining order, which he'd done nearly every day for the better part of a year, just in case you think it was hitting him with an iron pipe - I wouldn't do THAT to him no matter how much he earned it lol).
He's never going to just "agree" that, ok, yup, he's treated you appallingly and so you have every right to want him out and out he goes. He may (as mine did, regularly) agree that was fair and reasonable ... and then ... just ... stay. You have to, as Ilene said, make plans he knows nothing about and then just one day, when you are ready, put them into action and take him by surprise. It's the only way, unfortunately.
It would be SO nice if it could be done in a polite and civilised manner. But then, nothing else has been able to be done that way, so why should leaving be any different?
Maybe try to pull back a little, by saying that you're 'unsure', don't know what you're doing..
That will make him think that he's winning you back, and then some of the pressure he's putting on you will be relieved.
I'm in exactly the same boat-my husband follows me around the house, smothering me, begging me, we stay up at night with him saying that I can't do this to our family, he'll love me till the day that he dies, that he wants to die close to me (that one gives me the creeps)..
I try to give him a little bit of rope, though it is hard, but it makes it easier, while I'm secretly starting to get things together to leave in October.
I want to add one other thing to think about. When it comes to alcoholics & addicts, please remember that when you're dealing with a person who uses, you are DEALING WITH THE SUBSTANCE AND NOT THE PERSON. The alcohol &/or drug takes over their brain and changes their thinking & decision making process. It also changes their impulse control abilities.
This NOT excusing their behavior. They CHOOSE to use. The reason I'm adding this is that you don't owe him any explanation or warning because you are NOT dealing with him and it won't do any good anyway.
For years, I made the mistake of thinking I could reason with &/or explain to an alcoholic. As Ilene said, I ended up sabotaging myself because I gave way too much information which was used against me.
I am out now. Even tho many people walked away from me and ex tried (successfully for a while) to sabotage my relationship with my grown kids & their families & anyone else who would listen to him, and, like steno lady said, I am not as well off financially, it has been so worth it! I have made new friends since & am carving out a new life for myself. It is calm and peaceful and I don't have to walk on eggshells any more.
It takes time to plan & put your plan into action. Once you're out, it takes time to adjust, find yourself, grieve all of your losses, and heal. But you can do it!
Hugs!