Intimacy is a problematic issue for me too. I had to tell my husband to "quit touching me" at one point till the flashbacks stopped. I would say just be open and honest with them. They may feel hurt or rejected but the relationship is a two way street and if one person is suffering then it should be shared. If they love you they will eventually understand. I totally get your post because for most of my life I was a fixer. I wanted to fix everything.

You keep your empathy in part by turning it inward. Instead of excusing his treatment of you because of his "issues", or trying really hard to find reasons why it's ok to do what he does, and trying to find ways to help him - focus on you and know that it's ok to NOT accept his behaviour, to not excuse it or minimise it.

I still have empathy for my ex. His family of origin was abusive, he'd been through some very tough experiences and his childhood is a large part of what brought him to become the man he is. For all of that, I feel sad for him, for what he has suffered. But ultimately, he chose to use those experiences and pay them forward. He chose to be abusive towards me. He chose to not make any attempt to fix his own issues but instead to blame me for everything. And i am no longer willing to take any of that on, no matter WHAT horrors he may have suffered in his past. I didn't do those things to him and I didn't deserve the abuse he passed on to me.

You don't have to be cold and uncaring, you just have to value YOU enough to say that no matter what damage has previously been done to him by others, no matter what stress he might be under, no matter what's "wrong" with him, none of it means he has a right to treat you with anything less than love and respect.

There are lots of others who are deserving of your empathy, with YOU being the first in line.

Just because you stop trying to deal with him doesn't mean you will lose your empathy.

If anything you will regain and enhance your empathy by stopping trying to not only understand him but fix things as well.

I remember going through this exact same struggle during the early part of my recovery. Being a good, kind person has always been a very important part of my sense of who I am, and I was so afraid I would lose that if I began to say no or if I refused to try to see the good in my abuser or if I set firm limits. It felt so strange to me back then, really frightening. I didn't want to change who I was.

My therapist taught me that an important aspect of being a good and kind person is being authentic. I have to share my true self with others, and set limits so that I am best able to help others when I can. Those actions make me a better person, not a cold or hard person.

Practically, I worked on setting limits with my abuser but at the same time took on volunteer roles in areas outside my relationship. I drove a car for my local food bank so low-income people could get to appointments, and I also began to volunteer helping others with translation work. This made me feel good about myself and reminded me every day that I was still that good giving sweet person I wanted to be, while I was repeatedly saying NO to my abuser.

It got easier every week and a year or so out it just felt like second nature. I had forgotten all about it until your post reminded me of that stage. Now I feel like my old self, but I have no problem at all telling my abuser (and others) that negative behavior is not acceptable. I am able to feel pity for the broken parts in their life, and I will lend a hand if I can. but I refuse to break my own life in order to heal them. They have to heal themselves, as we all do. It's a much healthier place to be.

This makes sense.. Thank you! Actually, the intimacy problem is the other way he won't give me affection or touch me. He tells me that its not me. But I have needs too and he refuses to discuss it. It feels odd being a woman in that situation I've never had to deal with that before. I've offered to the doctors appointments but he won't even try. I found out it isn't an E.D. issue he dosen't want to discuss it with mr. It makes me feel rejected horrible and unattractive to him. I feel like I've been understanding it has been going on for 7 months.

I had the same problem with intimacy. He stopped all physical contact with me. I cried and begged him to help me understand it for years. He told me "I never enjoyed sex with you." Later he gaslit me and said he never said that. I lived like that for 9 years. Keep going. Don't look back. It isn't you. It's their inability to maintain intimacy.