You did the right thing by calling the police. You probably saved your life. Someone who abuses you does NOT love in the sense that non-abusers define love. Your abuser loves that he has someone to verbally and physically abuse. Strangling leads to killing. I'm really glad you are out and safe.

I know it hurts and you miss him (or rather your fantasy of him). Love should never hurt like he hurts you.

Please contact your local women's shelter and ask for a referral to a qualified therapist who has specialized training in recovery from abuse and trauma. Many shelters also have weekly support groups. But those groups do NOT take the place of individual therapy.

You have three years worth of abuse to recover from. So, it will take time to heal. And you will feel like you are going thru withdrawals for a while. But it will get better with the right therapy.

Please keep reading and posting here and take good care of yourself. Take advantage of any support network you have in our area, including friends and family.

~healing hugs~

I'm so sorry for what
you've been through
and what you're
going through.

You did the right
thing by calling
the police!!!!!!

I urge you, in the
strongest terms,
to give your state's
women's resources
a call. Here's their
number:

(907) 586-3650

Also, while you're
getting connected
with an on-the-ground
support system, here
are some things to
keep in mind:

The first is that,
in general,
any abuser is dangerous.

Specifically, an
abuser who
strangles, chokes,
smothers, suffocates
or attempts to cut off
his victim's airways
in any way
is a potential
KILLER.

A strangler is
the most dangerous
abuser, of all.

So while you write
that the thought of
him moving on,
finding someone else
and forgetting about
you is killing you. . . . . . .

give some thought
about looking straight
into his eyes as he
has both his hands
around your neck
(again). . . . only
this time he's
remembering that
the last time,
you (very rightly!),
had him arrested
and now he's
REALLY ANGRY.

That moment I'm
so rudely asking
you to envision
may well be
your LAST.

And then, after he
serves his time in
prison, he will
get out,
move on,
find his next victim,
tell her what a bitch
you were,

and abuse again.

Thinking of him
moving on may
well be intensely
painful, at this
point in time.

Someday the
intensity will fade
and you will
move on
and live your life.

If you succumb
to your feelings
of attachment
to this potential
killer,
he may,
indeed,
actually
kill you.

You asked
when it gets better.

It gets better
when you accept
that a potential killer
isn't able to love
in a healthy way,

and when you
claim your life
as your own,
and do the work
that it will take
to heal your wounds

(ALL your wounds,
not just the loss of
this abuser). . . . .

and love your
own self
and your
own life
with the same
intensity
as your attachment
to a significant other.

To get there
you'll need to
practice
SELF-CARE.

Learning to do that
takes time
and practice.

Once you do,
you'll begin
truly
enjoying your life.

Sending you hugs
and wishes for
safety and healing.

You said, "If only..." when it comes to a man who tried to KILL you, and that you "love" him.

I'd suggest this is not love; it's control and brainwashing. I just thought of a comparison....

Imagine a huge bowl of your favorite food: mac and cheese, ice cream... whatever it is. Then, imagine that a glass broke over the bowl and now glass got all mixed into the food.... would you be tempted to eat it? Would you take a big mouthful and just hope that the shards of glass would somehow magically dissolve in your mouth? Would you convince yourself that you have some special super power that can withstand that tainted food?

Of course not; you'd throw it out.

Your fianc is like that food. Parts may be good, but he's poison. And you are NOT that special to magically turn him around. That may sound harsh, but that's the key to why women stay with abusers... we somehow desperately need to feel that we are that unique that WE are going to be that one to get them to change.

It won't happen. Toss him in the trash. Better to be alone than with someone and wind up dead.

Hugs.

I know how you are feeling. The exactly same thing happened to me. The cops couldn't find him for a while...and then he decided to turn himself into the cops. He had his day in court, and about a month later he was back at home. I did him a favour by writing the judge a letter telling him about all of his good qualities. He has decided to stay with me, and we are a stronger couple because of it. But don't ever think you were wrong to call the cops when he put his hands on you...despite whether or not you were "asking for it"!!

I was attached to my alcoholic, abusive boyfriend. To keep him, I had to pay with blood.

No matter how exciting he was, I always paid with blood. I finally got away. And it was hard at first. I had to move from San Fran to L.A. But eventually, the tremendous longing subsided.
Just remember that, the attachement will fade and you will be better off. The longer you stay, the more chance he has of doing permanent damage. It's not worth it. Please walk away.