Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I have never posted in this group before. I came to Daily Strength after being diagnosed with generalized anxiety disorder and I joined the anxiety support group. My anxiety fuels or is fueled by a flood of negative, worrying and catastrophic thoughts and I'm doing the hard work of identifying these thoughts, their distortions, where they come from and what my triggers are. In the process, I find myself revisiting my past relationship with my ex-husband.
I think a lot of my negative thoughts about myself and the constant put-downs I give myself originated or were enforced by him throughout our relationship.
I believe my ex-husband was somewhat narcissistic, a pathological liar, and obsessive compulsive. It just felt like the world revolved around him and he was always finding fault with something in the world or in me. I felt like I was always off-balance and we would go through these cycles of calm and chaos. We would have a terrifying fight where we would talk in circles, me trying to identify the problem and find a solution and him constantly shifting the focus of the conversation, almost just to keep it going, until he had built up a full rage and I felt like I was losing my mind. I would finally start to cry and he would just look at me with no compassion. Then, we would have a good period and he was sweet and fun and I would be lulled into a state of complacency. It was like being with someone with a jekyll and hyde personality.
He also had me simultaneously on a pedestal but then he would infantilize me at the same time. He would say things to me in a back-handed, subtly derogative way. He would also talk a lot about how we only had each other, that no one else in the world would ever care about us. Looking back on it, I feel like I was under a spell.
Sometimes I still feel like I'm going crazy when I think about it and it is hard for me to qualify all this as abuse. I don't compare what I've gone through to the way physical abuse victims have suffered. I have never been raped or beaten or tortured, physically.
Still, I can't seem to shake these messages that are still with me. No matter how positive I try to be and how much therapy or yoga I do or how much medication I take, I feel like a worthless person who can't do anything right. It's like that's the deep-down secret about myself that is unchangeable and it's the real truth. Just like I felt like, in the relationship, the truth was really what existed between him and me and the rest of the world was not real.
How do I undo this? I have discussed all the specifics of the relationship in therapy and eventually decided to end the marriage, but I still feel like I'm in it somehow. I feel like I'm still trapped in a cage.
I would love to hear any advice others have, especially if you have come from a similar situation.
I think a lot of my negative thoughts about myself and the constant put-downs I give myself originated or were enforced by him throughout our relationship.
I believe my ex-husband was somewhat narcissistic, a pathological liar, and obsessive compulsive. It just felt like the world revolved around him and he was always finding fault with something in the world or in me. I felt like I was always off-balance and we would go through these cycles of calm and chaos. We would have a terrifying fight where we would talk in circles, me trying to identify the problem and find a solution and him constantly shifting the focus of the conversation, almost just to keep it going, until he had built up a full rage and I felt like I was losing my mind. I would finally start to cry and he would just look at me with no compassion. Then, we would have a good period and he was sweet and fun and I would be lulled into a state of complacency. It was like being with someone with a jekyll and hyde personality.
He also had me simultaneously on a pedestal but then he would infantilize me at the same time. He would say things to me in a back-handed, subtly derogative way. He would also talk a lot about how we only had each other, that no one else in the world would ever care about us. Looking back on it, I feel like I was under a spell.
Sometimes I still feel like I'm going crazy when I think about it and it is hard for me to qualify all this as abuse. I don't compare what I've gone through to the way physical abuse victims have suffered. I have never been raped or beaten or tortured, physically.
Still, I can't seem to shake these messages that are still with me. No matter how positive I try to be and how much therapy or yoga I do or how much medication I take, I feel like a worthless person who can't do anything right. It's like that's the deep-down secret about myself that is unchangeable and it's the real truth. Just like I felt like, in the relationship, the truth was really what existed between him and me and the rest of the world was not real.
How do I undo this? I have discussed all the specifics of the relationship in therapy and eventually decided to end the marriage, but I still feel like I'm in it somehow. I feel like I'm still trapped in a cage.
I would love to hear any advice others have, especially if you have come from a similar situation.
A couple things:
First. . . . emotional abuse
is abuse, just as any other
kind of attac is abuse, be
it physical, sexual, financial,
spiritual, whatever form it takes.
Verbal/emotional abuse may
AT TIMES, be less bloody.
But it is NO LESS damaging
and can be JUST AS DANGEROUS.
Second, you mentioned that therapy
helped you end the marriage. Are
you still with this therapist? Is this
therapist thoroughly trained and
knowledgable about recovery
from abuse? If the answer to
both those questions are 'yes,'
great. Keep on working with
that person.
If you're either not still in
therapy or if the therapist
does not have specific
and thorough training in
recovery from abuse,
then it's time to either
return to therapy and/or
research and connect
with a therapist with
this singular focus.
Abuse of any kind leaves
injuries. When we suffer
physical injuries, we go
get the injuries treated.
Emotional injuries require
no less specific attention.
Working with the right
therapist can be life
changing. She or he
can help you get free
of the cage in which
you feel trapped.
Until you process
(treat), the injuries
inflicted by the abuse,
you may lose quality
of life, which would be
a terrible sacrifice.
And please practice
consistent SELF-CARE.
There are lots of discussions
on D.S. and elsewhere about
what that entails.
You are a flower on
the stem of the universe.
Please love yourself
and your life.
Sending you hugs
and wishes for
healing and all
good things.
It is abuse.
I believe you still feel trapped bc you are not living in truth. You've been kidnapped and given a new name you must use in public and you feel angst in saying it bc it is NOT your name. It is not truth.
Speaking from my own experience as I am just ready to separate after 20 years of mind torture, you will never feel healthy until you live in truth. You can't treat a condition until you know the condition. Once you claim that without shame (the shame is his) you will be on your way to freedom.
Hugs dear one. You have come here searching and that is a courageous first step.
I am seeing a counselor for the anxiety but she is not a true therapist. I don't live in the same town as my old therapist anymore. i only went to her for a couple of months while I was sorting out whether I wanted to end the marriage. She definitely pushed me in that direction, but we didn't go into the abusiveness of the situation very much. It was more crisis management.
I'd like to see a therapist again to talk about some of these issues and start to truly move past it.