I think your fear is paralyzing you. I think your partner is not much help and is not being understanding of your issues from past abuse. I too often freeze up when in a bad situation. The only way to help it to get out of the situation and give yourself time to heal. If you want the relationship then he needs to be more understanding and helpful or he is not the right person for you. That is my opinion. It does not sound like he is very good for you.

Sunny, sometimes, the fear of the unkown is worse than the situation we are in, wondering if we will cope on our own, worrying about the loneliness etc. I can tell you though, the worst day you have abuse free, is still a million times better than the best day of an abusive relationship.

Thanks for your comments,
Im just not sure how to break the cycle and put my trust in my new fella.... do I explain to him how I feel or will he think me a wreck of a person?!
Its so hard to know how to approach this.
...and yes my fear does paralyse me.
My new man isnt abusive, he is very sweet and kind, I didn't want to explain to him fully about my past as I dont want him to think worse or badly of me.

Have you had therapy to help heal you from the past? If not, I would strongly advise it.

Also, the shame is not yours. If someone thinks worse or badly of you for something that was done to you, particularly something that was done to you as a child, then they are not really worth having in your life.

If this relationship is going to work, you need to be who you are. You need to accept you for who you are - and then let him do so too.

I feel weak for not being able to cope I suppose.
A failure for letting it affect me.... I give off the vibe that nothing gets me down, good old sunnyjax....always smiling.

But that's not really how it is, is it? Your not always smiling, I used to do this, it was my way of feeling more confident (if I do it now I really mean it And if I am down I don't do it )

I always thought people would like me more if I was always smiling and happy, with only highlighted that I needed to work on self acceptance !

As for tips in your situation, funnily enough I have a friend who went through the exact same thing u r describing!

She said she would feel the way u do because her ex had walked out and left her. She remarried and had the fear that her none abusove husband would walk out on her all the time, she said she would dream that he left and she would wake up in sweat shouting at him "u left me u bastard "
Then one night she had a dream that was different, instead of him leaving her he died in her dream, she woke up in hysterics crying "you left me, you left me, you DIED!"
Her husband turned to her and said, but I'm alive now and I'm not dead yet, one day I will die, that's inevitable ! "
She realised what he was saying was that she wasn't enjoying the time they DID have together and one day there would nothing she could do to stop him from leaving because he will die and leave, so it was part of their relationship anyway, that was the deal. She said something then clicked for her inside her head and she realised that she had to accept that she could live without him because she may have to one day! She said it took time but now she has lost the fear!

But I will say in her situation she was honest about her past with her husband so he understood her behaviour! I think if u tell your husband it will open up the opportunity for him to support you!

Thanks Kaz....yes thank you.
Im a bit stuck I guess.
Im not ashamed of what happened just the way I behave when I feel the fear. Its irrational. I have learnt to not react when I know I am feeling over whelmed by my emotions but Im not sure thats helpful. Its like a volcano inside me! Although sometimes I want to beg him to say the right things to reassure me but I know they are worthless to me if I ask him to say what I need to hear.
I guess I feel like its my journey and I am alone on it.
Counselling isnt such a viable option here in the UK so here I am on here. I used to come on DS when I was going through the suicide attempts with my last husband. I loved him so much and all he wanted to do was die, but like you say in your post Kaz we are all getting there!
Im 45 now and want to have some peace inside me. I know we all have different levels of issues and suffering so I suppose I feel mine is nothing different to anyone elses.
I have told my new man what has happened in my life but not really any more than that....sounds like a catalogue of bad choices to me reflecting on my poor judgement skills in choosing partners!
So Im in a catch 22 situation really.

When my ex would confront me about certain things, my thoughts would scramble and my tongue would actually go numb. I would feel like getting away from the situation (my flight response). This was the result of years of mental abuse and I always felt that the threat of physical abuse was possible. He made sure of that. I am now working to get myself "trained" by learning assertiveness techniques. I am going to counseling, but plan on looking on the Internet for activities I can do to help me. Best wishes!!!

Thanks Tracy, I do this too - waiting for the axe to fall...but its upsetting my new man so I need to sort it. I hate confrontation and totally go to pieces. Good Luck with it...
x

I think speaking with any normal therapist, whom you had a connection with, would help (a lot). It sounds like you may be in a pattern of choosing people who get pushed away by your fears/reactions to them, express that to you, and that puts you in an impossible bind. If you push anyone away enough, they will have no choice really but to leave you. So it's sort of become a self-fulfilling prophecy for you.I think one of the biggest helps to you (maybe) would be to work very hard on how you communicate your fears to your partner. Communication is so hard. We each come from unique worlds in a sense, in regards to communication. So finding out what is the best way to plug into his world of perspective and communication style, in a way that he can SEE your fears/concerns and really understand their roots, how big a chance you are taking on him/on love again, considering what you have been through. In a way that he will have compassion, patience, and understanding. I really think a therapist could help you--and the two of you as a couple at some point--to do this. At some point you're going to have to come to terms, as well, with the fact that every move in life is a gamble. To understand for yourself that you've had bad luck in relationships, but it's just that--luck. And that this is a brand new one and could go either way. So invest all the good, positive you can--which includes some level of accepting him, accepting chance, letting go, and showing that you appreciate him, want him, that you're committed and focusing on the good with him rather than obsessing about your fears of what he could do to you, because that does make people crazy/push them away. Give him a chance. Not just a couple days, but a real chance at the relationship. There is another side, something other than luck, as well, which is the role of your choice and the kinds of people you're repeatedly attracted to. We all have tendencies to repeat certain kinds of relationships, for one reason or another from our past. So learning about what yours is in therapy will also help a lot. If this guy does not turn out to be as wonderful as he seems (which the only way you can discover is IF you give him a chance and let go of obsessing to him about how afraid you are of what he may do wrong)--you can learn through therapy and self-discovery (taking care of yourself, spending time with and getting to know yourself and also all kinds of other people) what it is you may be missing and what is you truly want/need in the people you choose to be in relationships with. Wish you the very best!! You deserve it.

sometimes things come from childhood, becaue I had an abusive childhood, and even when you get married or whatever, your fear of being abused stay with you. a counselor may help. good luck

Hi Sunny,
It's a shame you can't get counseling.
I had a thought as you have issues with abandonment, plus you said

"when I was going through the suicide attempts with my last husband. I loved him so much and all he wanted to do was die,"

I think your subconscious goes into a mode that tells you, you aren't ever going to see him again.
that would explain why you start to shake and sweat. I don't know,
it was just a thought.
I hope things get better for you.

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