I was not allowed to react to anything he did-If I did then he turned the tables and made my reaction the problem. He would say or do something mean and then I would cry or get angry- then the problem turned into me reacting to what he did- It is so hard becasue to this day- I blame myself (he blames me as well) for the demise of my marriage-

Mistyj I can totally relate to all you just said!

To the abuser, his/her opinion is always the right one. Your sister is not allowed to have a side, because the only side is his. That's how the abuser gets his/her power and strength. He/she preys off the victim and covers his/her own misgivngs. She probably will never have a side, until she walks out the door.

Lately, I have not let the fact that my spouse would not allow me to express myself keep me from stating my feelings. Oh, I used plead a lot in the past, but then I got stronger.

This is the way it worked in our house - What transpired after my feelings were made known were his demeaning responses. He had "traps" set to throw me off. He would demand that I "repeat back to him what he just said." He would tell me to NOT raise my voice to him. He would talk over what I was saying to drown me out.
Sound familiar?

This was control, control and more control of the discussion from him.

Through therapy and a little bit of medication for the anxiety, I became stronger. I began replying back to him "I don't choose to do that." or "No, I am not repeating what I just said." Then I would simply exit the room saying that maybe we can "revisit" this issue later. I gave myself the power to leave. He was fuming but did not prevent me.

I learned to pick my battles. I learned the ways to respond, and when to just back off. My husband is a very combative individual and used to expect me to obey his directives. Tuly, he is quite a Harvard Case Study. I refused, and would walk away. Of course it did not always work, and I was afraid when I first tried these methods, but I did see a change in him after awhile. And better yet, a change in me.

I also stopped tryng to reason with him. He did not care about my feelings. So I stopped that route, and used stronger and more forceful statements..."I don't agree with you and I would perfer you stop ordering me." I stopped explaining why.

One other thing I stopped saying was "I'm sorry." Not if I hurt someone, but breaking the habit of repeating this phrase at the beginning of a sentance if I had to make a decision that I knew not everyone would agree with...this was in business meetings or in dealing with my spouse...Have you noticed that men don't seem to use that phrase as much? If they need to make a decision, it's done - and no sorry attached (I am refering to the work
place decisions).

I think you sweet sister is too sensitive to "his" feelings. She should stop asking him to give her permission to speak of her feelings. She does not need his permission to define her hurt.

I don't know your brother-in-law's mental state so she may want to make some changes in stages. Guess he's a creep because he "can" be.

Be strong for her. I never had a sister, but if I did, I would cherish her.

I was so highly medicated at one point- I did not react to anything-According to him we had a great year and then I blew it-For the year I was medicated-I never responded verbally to the many hurtful things he did- If i did he would belittle me by saying "did you take your pills today-or UP your dosage. The one day I decided- he was not doing one thing to change the behaviors I once reacted to- so why should I medicate myself into total numbness- When you are that medicated-yeah you don't get angry and have anxiety-but you don't have joy, laughter and happiness.

Because the world revolves around him not your sister...double standards are a biggie for abusers.

It's all about control and it's usually taught by there parent's.Anyway's nobody is allowed to tell you anything,we all choose to be with someone who is abusive we have the power to get out, and that is what is about, empowering people to make better choices.

Abuse is about power and control. The quicker you accept this fact the quicker you will understand what is going on in your sister's house. He does what he wants, thinks what he wants, feels what he wants. Everyone else in that house is just breathing his air. I swear by all the gods it really is that basic. And it's working too, isn't it. They may be trying to distance themselves from him and your sister may be planning her eventual escape, but right now he is getting exactly what he wants. Which is power and control.

What is it you are having trouble understanding about "How do abusers do that?" Are you wondering if they have any conscience? The answer is no. Are you wonder if they have any love? The answer is only for themselves. Are you wondering if they have any emotion? Again, only the self centered kind.

And here's the answer you really don't want to hear. He is able to do it because your sister enables the behavior by living in it. She truly has no way to change it because he sees no need to change. He is getting what he wants with these actions which is, you guessed it, power and control. I am not jumping on her head for it - I did the exact same thing. That's why I recognize it in her.

Instead of spending so much time and energy trying to understand "him", how about spending some time trying to understand "her"? All this focus on your brother in law is getting him what he wants. Your attention is focused on him. He doesn't care if it is for a positive or negative reason, all he cares about is that he has your attention. Be as loving and supportive as you possibly can to your sister. Tell her about DS and see if she will join. After that try to quit paying so much attention to him.

I just want to add that an abusive relationship very very rarely gets any better. That it will most likely get worse. That vebal/emotional abuse often leads to physical abuse. That counseling rarely works for an abuser, and often makes the abuse worse, because it feeds the abuser's ego to be the center of attention, again.....

I get a Wikipedia HOW TO on my home page every day. One day the HOW TO was about dealing with an abusive relationship. And the advice Wikipedia gave was to just leave the relationship, because you will not be able to change it.

So your sister needs to begin planning how to safely escape. And this is a good place to get advise on doing that. Many of us have had to do it.

She should get out of the abusive relationship. He will not change.