Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I ask myself this question just about every day. I am with a man who basically treats me like a piece of dirt most of the time.
I grew up in a loving, caring family and I am a smart, caring person who wound up married to someone who is the polar opposite of me. I wish I could go back in time, but I know I cannot. I am better than this and I will not let him bring me down, but it still hurts - a lot.
The verbal abuse is usually the same - I am fat, I cannot find a full time job, I don't do enough around the house, etc... The thing is, I know I should leave, but I don't.
We have a wonderful 10 year old son who is my life and I know I should leave for him, but again, I don't. I want HIM to leave, but he won't. I don't know how he has this hold over me, I don't know why I am so weak sometimes. I am a good person, I have a lot to offer and yet, here I am, in this marriage that I hate.
I just don't know why I stay, and I want to be able to get support as to how I can make things better for myself without leaving right now. Everyone is going to tell me to leave, but I don't need to hear that right now, I need to just be able to vent and feel comfortable, without judgment.
I am glad that I am able to come here to share my feelings and sorrow. Thanks for listening.
I grew up in a loving, caring family and I am a smart, caring person who wound up married to someone who is the polar opposite of me. I wish I could go back in time, but I know I cannot. I am better than this and I will not let him bring me down, but it still hurts - a lot.
The verbal abuse is usually the same - I am fat, I cannot find a full time job, I don't do enough around the house, etc... The thing is, I know I should leave, but I don't.
We have a wonderful 10 year old son who is my life and I know I should leave for him, but again, I don't. I want HIM to leave, but he won't. I don't know how he has this hold over me, I don't know why I am so weak sometimes. I am a good person, I have a lot to offer and yet, here I am, in this marriage that I hate.
I just don't know why I stay, and I want to be able to get support as to how I can make things better for myself without leaving right now. Everyone is going to tell me to leave, but I don't need to hear that right now, I need to just be able to vent and feel comfortable, without judgment.
I am glad that I am able to come here to share my feelings and sorrow. Thanks for listening.
No judgement here at all. Leaving is not an easy decision, especially when children are involved.
Things I did before I made him leave which helped (somewhat) are:
1. Emotionally detach. Have no contact with him except what is absolutely necessary, even while you still live with him. Don't joke with him, don't laugh with him, don't share intimate information with him or share any ideas about what you are thinking. Certainly don't inform him that you know he is abusive and that you are thinking about leaving. Act as if he were a stranger to you. Be polite, but as disengaged as possible. (This is a personal thing, and a decision you have to make, but I recommend not being physically intimate with him either. It confuses your emotions.)
2. Read, read and read some more about abuse, particularly emotional and verbal abuse if that is what you are experiencing. Knowledge is power.
3. Find a few or even one close friend you can confide in who will keep your confidence and who will support you no matter what.
4. Get counseling for yourself. NOT marriage counseling!!! I can't stress that enough!!!!
5. Come to this board for support and information.
6. Start planning how you can be independent without him. Dust off your job skills, get a "feel" for the market you are qualified to work in, re-establish old contacts. Get important pieces of paperwork together such as social security cards, bank statements, retirement accounts, etc.
7. Plan an escape route if you feel you may need it, or even if you don't right now. Put some money away. Pack a bag with enough stuff to keep you for a week or so and keep it hidden or, even better, in your trunk. Don't forget any medications you take or your son may take.
8. Pray, pray, pray for the Lord's will and that He will protect you and open up an opportunity for you to leave if that is His will, or for your H to leave, if that is His will.
9. Go see a lawyer. You don't have to file for divorce, but you can find out what your rights are.
I did all this stuff before H left, and it gave me "some" sense of peace and the feeling that I was at least taking steps in the right direction. No, it will not help the relationship, but it will help you be better prepared and stronger.
Good luck and God bless. Keep coming here. I don't believe anyone here will judge you.
I can't stress enough how much personal counselling helped me to work out what I needed to do and how to do it. And to rebuild my self-esteem to the point where I was able to really take charge of my life. I didn't want to leave either. I wished he would leave ... but then when he did I begged him back (big mistake).
We understand not wanting to leave. But you do need to work on yourself while you are there, for your sake and for the sake of your son.
Also get counseling for yourself. Talking to a professional is another plus. My counselor opened my eyes to quite a bit. I, like you had grown up in a loving household, and really didn't see or understand what I was living with. My counselor has been a true source of help and guidance. Its nice to be told that I'm not the crazy one.
Take good care of your son. He's getting to the age where he will see and sense more than you think. If you see him treating you or others like your husband treats you, it's time to consider leaving.
No one can tell you when to leave. You have to make that decision yourself. It is one of the hardest decisions to make especially since you have a child.
I had been in counseling, sought the advice of lawyers, friends and family. Saved some money, prayed, cried, started detaching and then that one thing that broke the camel's back happened, and I was out of there.
You'll know when your ready. I understand how you feel as do many others here. The best thing to do is keep posting.
Hisjewel said it well! Right now, just doing some of those things may help give you some relief from what you have to endure day in and day out. I think it's so important to keep communicating about it too. Hugs!