I'm with you.
I just can't understand how someone can be so cruel and so nice at the same time. You know they can control it, because we were all sucked in by Mr. Nice in the beginning. Where was Mr. Cruel hiding then?
I just don't get it.

Has anyone heard of the terms:

con-man and con-game?

The "con" is short for "Confidence."

A con-game is perpetrated on
an innocent victim by someone
who portrays themself as
someone they're emphatically NOT,
and thereby gains the victim's confidence.
Then they proceed to perpetrate the
crime of larceny.

Isn't that what our abusers do?

So. . . . as is evident. . . . .

a skilled "con" or abuser
can play-act all kinds of
wonderful things. It's about
setting out bait and luring
a victim into the abuser's den.
It's MANIPULATION.

And as if a con/abuser
isn't bad enough, take
a look at the charismatic
mad-men who lure
thousands of people
to follow them, first into
isolation and then into
death, as in the case of
Jonestown and similar
tragedies.

The most dangerous among
us, can be the most charming.
Their dark side is DISGUISED
under the dressing of delightful-ness.

Oh wow sounds like what I was dealing with. Wow. I'm going to read the replies.

Ilene are they considered narcissists , sociopaths, or both?

I believe that, like snow flakes,
they're too individual to all be
in one or another category.

All those with narcissistic
personality disorder, are abusers

but not all abusers are narcissists.

All sociopaths are abusers. In this
case, maybe most abusers ARE
sociopaths.

But dysfunction falls into so
many different categories.

The priority for survivors is
to invest as much energy as
possible, into self-care. Whatever
the category in which their abusers
"were" is less relevant than the
hard work of recovering.

yes, good comments all, thanks.

It's really sinking in now that they are NOT nice. Ever. I didn't want to see my ex this way. I wanted to believe he was "good" -- but this led to a lot of confusion on my part.

Seeing him as evil -- with the "nice" things just being about control or manipulation, it finally makes sense. I sometimes don't want to see him that way...I thought I saw this sensitive, kind, good side to him, but I have to admit, I was wrong.

In the below two articles, my ex fits perfectly. I think I was in denial for a long time...thinking he wasn't as bad as he was.

It made it harder because he'll still text me nice things, as if we are friends, or "as if" he cares...I was confused. I told him off over text (obviously a bit risky w /a sociopath), but I felt it was the only way for him to stop pretending. I know he'll just leave me alone now, since he won't feel that he can keep taking from me (my high opinion of him gave him an ego boost I think -- now he gets my low opinion of him only...he won't come around for that).

It's sad to loose your faith, completely, in someone. To see there is no good, where you thought there was so much good. But the truth will set you free.

http://voices.yahoo.com/how-distinguish-between-selfish-8212609.html?cat=72

http://voices.yahoo.com/10-sure-signs-dealing-8765275.html?cat=5


How to Distinguish Between a Selfish Person and a Sociopath
Characteristic Traits to Help You Identify Those Who Will Use and Abuse You Emotionally and Psychologically
Jon Uhler
Jon Uhler, Yahoo! Contributor Network
Apr 11, 2011 "Share your voice on Yahoo! websites. Start Here."

More:
Sociopaths
Selfishness

tweet
Print

Flag
AdChoices
If we are told that we shall be able to identify a tree by its fruit and not to cast our pearls before swine, it obviously is important to be able to identify and distinguish between personal foibles, human error, and personal immaturity from that of pathological (or extreme) selfishness. We need to be able to identify those with whom we should make allowance for their failings vs. those who are wolves in sheeps' clothing. If we are going to "swim with the sharks without being eaten," then we had better be able to identify the hearts (i.e., intentions) of those who smilingly suggest we "do lunch."

Though we always should be willing to give others the benefit of the doubt when interacting with them and extending ourselves, it is important to understand that a significant percentage (if not the majority) of people we encounter are steeped in selfishness to one extent or another. And, among that population, a certain percentage will actually have chosen to perfect the art of selfishness. Two thousand years ago, these people were referred to as "swine" and "wolves in sheeps' clothing" (Mt 7:6-16). In this day and age, these people can be referred to as sociopaths. Whatever you call them, you had better know what to look for when dealing with them, since they are the ones who will create the greatest amount of pain, suffering, and chaos in your life. And, most importantly, they are the ones who will never stop until they are stopped, by the establishment of healthy boundaries.

So, what are the characteristic traits of an interpersonal swine? Are there particular things to look for to help you distinguish the difference between simply an immature person in need of growth, from a truly pathologically-selfish person (a sociopath), who is truly ill-intended? Fortunately, there are. The following traits are provided to help you identify those who are in your life only to use you and to suck the daylights out of you (in terms of your time, effort, energy, and resources). If you are to be a good steward of your life, then you had better know how to spot them a mile away.

Here is a list of both the clinical and practical character traits that will serve as warning signs that a selfish pig in your midst:

Egocentric

A lack of empathy

A callous disregard for the feelings of others

Inwardly purposeful or calculating to ensure personal benefit

Self-aggrandizement

A pathological liar

Superficial charm

Pseudo-intellectual

Opportunistic

A master of disguise (hiding their true nature to an outside observer)

Will act with calculation and malicious intent to ensure that he/she is neither unmasked or that natural consequences never befall them

Views others' needs or preferences as secondary, subordinate, relatively trivial, or inconsequential in light of his/her own whims or desires

Is able to "spin," distort, or obfuscate the facts and truth to such an extent that he/she could be known as The Artful Dodger or Slick Willy.

A master of disguise and can change "on a dime" as the moment dictates, since personal advancement and advantage supersedes all else.

He/she is the ultimate pragmatist and opportunist

Will bleed others dry, then complain that those same people are not willing to be helpful or "a team player"

Takes a sadistic sense of satisfaction at generating pain in the lives of others, since it confirms his/her position of power and authority

He/she becomes actively ill-intended when another person of lesser rank or position attempts to establish reasonable personal or professional boundaries

Negatively impacts or increases the pain of others under the guise of "delegation"

Can walk by others negatively impacted by his/her "delegation" and still leave on time without any sense of obligation or compunction to help ease their burden

Can emotionally abuse a person or a subordinate behind closed doors, but change in an instant to appear reasonable and appropriate if an outsider suddenly walks into the room (i.e. two-faced).

If any of these character traits seem all-too-familiar, then you have likely been doing a dysfunctional dance with a selfish pig. The only thing you can do with such a profound pig is to implement significant boundaries to protect your "pearls." Sometimes, those boundaries must be radical and permanent. It takes wisdom to know what boundaries to establish, but they must be established in order to put the pig back in his/her place . . . corralled in a pigpen - without you doing the 2-step with them.




10 Sure Signs You Are Dealing with a Sociopath
Joe Dorish
Joe Dorish, Yahoo! Contributor Network
Jul 7, 2011 "Share your voice on Yahoo! websites. Start Here."

More:
Sociopaths

tweet
Print

Flag
AdChoices

In her fascinating book, The Sociopath Next Door, psychologist Martha Stout estimates that 4% of the population is comprised of sociopaths. That may not sound like a lot of people to you, but if you live in a town or city of 10,000 people, then roughly 400 of them are sociopaths. Sooner or later you are bound to run into a sociopath. They are awful people to deal with.

A sociopath has no conscience. It can be hard to accept the fact that their are people in the world like that, because the vast majority of us have a moral compass.

Here are ten sure-fire signs or clues that sociopaths will display, plus the surest way to tell that someone is a sociopath. And my own critical observation about sociopaths that you might recognize as well.

10 Sure Signs of a Sociopath


1. Sociopaths lie constantly

Almost everyone in life lies once in a while. Sociopaths lie constantly. To them, lying is just like eating, sleeping and breathing. It's something they do everyday. A person who constantly and consistently lies to you is very likely a sociopath.

Think of the phrase, "I could always tell when so-and-so was lying because his lips were moving." If that fits someone you know, he or she is likely a sociopath.

2. Sociopaths are overly charming

Some people in life are genuinely nice. Sociopaths are not nice people but they try to manipulate by appearing nice. If someone is sticky-bun sweet when you first meet them, and then quickly asks favors from you, or tries to get you to do something they want, that person is likely a sociopath.

Over time, sociopaths always display what they are. Once you realize someone is a sociopath, you'll get sick to your stomach listening to them try to charm people with their sweet talk (and lies).

3. Sociopaths do not treat pets well

From an early age, most sociopaths display some type of cruelty to animals. They carry on this trait into adulthood. Sociopaths will often be investigated by the ASPCA, if not the police, for animal cruelty and neglect.

4. Sociopaths are lousy neighbors

If you move to a new neighborhood and ask a bunch of different neighbors if anyone is a troublemaker, and they all point out one person, that person is likely a sociopath.

If you ask one neighbor if anyone else in the neighborhood is trouble, and that person points out nearly everyone else in the neighborhood, that is the sociopath.

5. Sociopaths think the rules do not apply to them

If the phrase, "He doesn't think the rules apply to him", is true of someone you know, that person is probably a sociopath. Most sociopaths disregard rules like the plague.

6. Sociopaths are always in some kind of trouble

If the police are constantly at someone's home, that person is likely a sociopath. The local police know better than anyone who the sociopaths are in their town. Why? Because they have to frequently go to sociopaths homes.

Whether it's for continually walking their dog without a leash, playing loud disruptive music all the time, or for hitting their wife and kids, sociopaths cannot stay out of trouble.

7. Sociopaths are avoided like the plague

Sociopaths have no conscience and will always alienate virtually everyone who has to deal with them for any length of time, including family members.

The only people who tolerate sociopaths for long periods are the people the sociopath is able to manipulate into doing so. Like the wife of a sociopath who stays with her husband because he controls the money, even though the sociopath openly cheats on her at every opportunity.

8. Sociopaths almost always have affairs

It is almost impossible for a sociopath to stay monogamous. They are incapable of love, and have no conscience. So they act on many impulses, including sexual ones.

9. Sociopaths do things others cannot believe

Most parents try to protect their children from pain at all costs. A sociopath will go out of the way to try and inflict pain and harm on their own children. To a sociopath, their children are just pawns in their continuing game of trying to manipulate people, and in their own minds, win victories over other people.

10. Sociopaths accuse others of their own misdeeds

Most sociopaths are clever, but not particularly smart. They will often use their own misdeeds as accusations against others. A divorce lawyer I know told me she can always tell when she's dealing with a sociopath because the sociopath will accuse his or her spouse of exactly the misdeeds the sociopath has done.

Sociopaths seek pity and sympathy to manipulate

Dr. Stout says the surest way to know if someone is a sociopath is the pity play.

A perfect example is a parent who has done unthinkable things to his children, completely alienating them, but still continually tries to make the children feel sorry for him by telling them he is lonely.

He is not lonely, he is a sociopath and incapable of feeling lonely, but he knows saying he is lonely will make his children feel sorry for him. Once he has their pity, he can manipulate them some more.

My Own Observation of Sociopaths

Having had to deal with a few sociopaths in life, I've learned one sure thing about them. They are just evil people. If you ever hear someone with authority, like a judge, call someone evil, you can be almost certain that person is a sociopath.

My very abusive sister is like that.To those that do not know her very well she's a saint.
She has this fake persona about her that she plays off very well but its a facade.

There is nothing real about it.She's also very corny.Just fake.But people buy it.She's very clever too.However her intent is only to HER adavatage for some reason or another.Is all about narcissistic supply.
pecially her playing the "kind, sweet woman"...*puke*

Wow, my ex is DEFINITELY a sociopath.

It does make it hard when you have gotten used to being so 'loved' and 'pampered'. My exHN was never so loving with me. But, since my divorce, I have gotten involved with a sociopath. We were together only 9 months kind of part-time, so I never saw his obviously ugly side. He was all kindness and affection and sweetness. But then I got wise to his ways, won't go into the details, but found out he was lying about EVERYTHING. And his wonderfulness was only a cover. Totally freaky. Not to mention, I had to dump him when I still felt completely in love with him! I still miss him now! I feel for what you're going through. I think the niceness is all fake, all a hook, all manipulation because sociopaths know what makes normal people tick and they use it to their maximum advantage. Creepy and horrible. And for me, incredibly hard to spot!

All really good information. That Dr jeklly and Mr Hyde thing gets me too. My ex had some of the tendancies before he became a drug addict and then they just blossomed. The dark side came out and he did things that I thought he was capable of like telling me he was going camping and then texting me later to tell me he was on a plane to Seattle to go on a cruise with his girlfriend. Leaving me with 12 dollars in the bank. Showing up to counseling in his girlfriends car. Telling the counselor one thing in front of me and something totally different when he was aone with her.....nutso stuff...but on the otherside of this he was a school principal.

this sounds like my ex so much its unreal (or better still is very real)

Just today he came down to mine(we have a daughter) and bare faced lied to me.

He does this so very often