Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So today we went to a cell phone provider to upgrade my husband's 6month old phone. Technically not his phone, but my upgrade. He kept trying to get me to trade in my white phone (1yr old) and keep his black phone in place of mine. I know it sounds silly, but I like my white phone and want to keep it. He seemed upset about it...screw him.
Anyway, while I was at the store paying $300 of my last $400 in the bank for a new phone for him I spotted an item that I have been looking at buying for a while. I had not planned to buy it for another several months until I am better able to utilize this item. Unbeknownst to me, while I was over looking at the item and he and the sales person were wrapping up the purchase. I found out later that he told the sales person to "watch out, she probably try to steal it".
How can someone say that about there spouse to a complete stranger? What would compel a spouse to say that to someone. A spouse that is constantly hostile toward me, yet it is me that is at fault for the arguments.
Recently he thought he had broken his toe. I told him I didn't think that could be the cause because when I broke my toe it turned all black, purple, & blue colored. He's told me numerous times (including this time) that I deserved it (the broken toe) because I was stupid enough to walk out into the garage with no shoes on. What kind of person says that to their spouse?
Also, when he says I'm acting like a "b__tch", c_nt, or just plain stupid. Somehow when I call him on it later and says he's called me these things, he'll say "no, I never called you that...I just said you were acting like a (insert name of your choice here)". Honestly, is there really a difference? Is it really different to say "act like...." vs "you are..." to me it's not.
When I tell him that he makes me feel a certain way, he will tell me that "he doesn't makes me feel a particular way, I choose to feel that way". Again, I'm at fault for my feelings....really?! And he wonders why I "don't communicate"? Also, if I do share my opinion with him he will tell me that what I'm saying is "stupid"...again he wonders why I "don't communicate or ever have an opinion". Are you serious?!
I know now that this is it's own type of abuse.
He used to be physically abusive, but now it's very seldom he will kick me or something similar. Very mild compared to years ago. I think part of it is old age and the other part is that he just no longer cares. I'm not talking about love vs. hate/disgust, I'm referring to the fact that he's decided "I'm not worth it". I'm not saying I believe that his negative crap or occasional kicks are what makes me feel worthy, I just hate the idea the I am "not worth it". How can a spouse tell his wife that she has no worth?
I've dealt with this crap for years and at this point just don't care about anything anymore except my son. I'm too much of a coward to leave and in many ways need him to assist me in pushing me to keep moving forward. It's just the way he goes about "pushing me (not physical)" that hurts inside.
Anyway, while I was at the store paying $300 of my last $400 in the bank for a new phone for him I spotted an item that I have been looking at buying for a while. I had not planned to buy it for another several months until I am better able to utilize this item. Unbeknownst to me, while I was over looking at the item and he and the sales person were wrapping up the purchase. I found out later that he told the sales person to "watch out, she probably try to steal it".
How can someone say that about there spouse to a complete stranger? What would compel a spouse to say that to someone. A spouse that is constantly hostile toward me, yet it is me that is at fault for the arguments.
Recently he thought he had broken his toe. I told him I didn't think that could be the cause because when I broke my toe it turned all black, purple, & blue colored. He's told me numerous times (including this time) that I deserved it (the broken toe) because I was stupid enough to walk out into the garage with no shoes on. What kind of person says that to their spouse?
Also, when he says I'm acting like a "b__tch", c_nt, or just plain stupid. Somehow when I call him on it later and says he's called me these things, he'll say "no, I never called you that...I just said you were acting like a (insert name of your choice here)". Honestly, is there really a difference? Is it really different to say "act like...." vs "you are..." to me it's not.
When I tell him that he makes me feel a certain way, he will tell me that "he doesn't makes me feel a particular way, I choose to feel that way". Again, I'm at fault for my feelings....really?! And he wonders why I "don't communicate"? Also, if I do share my opinion with him he will tell me that what I'm saying is "stupid"...again he wonders why I "don't communicate or ever have an opinion". Are you serious?!
I know now that this is it's own type of abuse.
He used to be physically abusive, but now it's very seldom he will kick me or something similar. Very mild compared to years ago. I think part of it is old age and the other part is that he just no longer cares. I'm not talking about love vs. hate/disgust, I'm referring to the fact that he's decided "I'm not worth it". I'm not saying I believe that his negative crap or occasional kicks are what makes me feel worthy, I just hate the idea the I am "not worth it". How can a spouse tell his wife that she has no worth?
I've dealt with this crap for years and at this point just don't care about anything anymore except my son. I'm too much of a coward to leave and in many ways need him to assist me in pushing me to keep moving forward. It's just the way he goes about "pushing me (not physical)" that hurts inside.
Sorry to say, I really don't think there's any depth to which they won't sink. And he's modelling that behaviour to your son. Even if you don't want to leave for your sake, please consider leaving to save your son.
I'm not sure if you work outside if the house, but I know it can be scary to think about leaving and making it on your own. But living with someone you hate or don't like is hell.
I advise to keep talking about your situation..perhaps with a counselor if u have health insurance, u might as well. U owe it to yourself after putting up with the physical and verbal abuse for all if those years.
Down the line, with some budgeting, perhaps alimony, you will find that you can survive and even have a pleasant life in your own. Without his bullshit, mind games, insults, and put downs, which you do NOT deserve.
Went to a counselor today. Talked with her for a good while and felt quite a bit better; though I'm back to tears tonight as I am writing this. When I got home he asked me where I'd been (I actually hadn't told him and he never asked). I told him I went to see a counselor. He said "What for? You know I'm seeing someone and once I decide she'll be OK we will both go see her for marriage counseling". I told him that not everything was about him and that I was talking with her about other stuff which is kind of true. I will continue to see her and I don't care what he says about it. Also, I'm that confident that he's full of s**t, that I'm willing to let HIM PICK the counselor that he thinks is best for us to go to for marriage counseling. I'm not going to interfere otherwise that will somehow become my fault too.
My biggest issue is that I can't pay for daycare AND his alimony...you see, I've been supporting him for the past 19yrs while he's either been in school, grief (his mom died) and an array of other excuses not to work. At least now we agreed TOGETHER that he should stay home and watch our son vs. daycare. I must say he's really good with my son, but when I come around I don't like his behaviour. He tries to hide his hostility toward me, but it comes through. I prefer what happens most night when I come home and that is that he heads upstairs to bed and sleeps until my little guy goes to bed. It's just mom & him time at that point for a few hours.
Yes my ex was good around my daughter (she's his daughter as well) but what I've figured is my daughters age had a lot to do with it. He didn't have to manipulate her or control her as she was so young when he was around her, plus he also was great with her for my benefit. In other words to pull at my heart strings and feel bad for getting him away from her!
It's not about having the confidence to leave him or telling him to go, no one ever has the confidence. Everyone who left on this forum, left being abused and so incredibly unsure and out of touch with themselves as a result. So I can promise you that confidence has nothing to do with your problem!
You just have to get to that place of "I've had enough"
I can bet you that once your abuse free and healing, your confidence will improve in all areas of your life.