Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I ended the relationship with my abusive boyfriend a few of months ago. I was in a depression for months. But finally, maybe the last month I've been positive and really thought I was "almost there" in terms of being healed. I have a new job that starts next week and trying to remain positive for the good things coming my way. But the last couple of days, the anxiety has been creeping back. Can't sleep etc. To be honest, I haven't told anyone I'm close to about the real reason we broke up. I'm afraid to tell them for fear of them thinking that I was stupid or judging me to be with a man like that. Also for some reason, I feel like I still need to protect him by not telling people the whole truth about him. I'm wondering if this is why I'm feeling bad again. Maybe part of the healing process is to come clean. I don't know if I should go to couselling to really deal with the issues. I thought I could be strong and with enough positive thinking etc. I could get over it. But it's getting hard again. I just want to be out of this misery forever. I want to be happy again. Plus, as strange as it sounds, I feel so alone sometimes by not having someone who is constantly "checking" up on me. I know I want to feel free and not have someone controlling me but after 3 and a half years of constantly having to justify my every move, it's strange to suddenly have NOTHING. It's almost like I don't even know how to life a life in peace without him and his crazymaking. Because with him out in my life, I still have moments of the craziness.It's almost like that if I don't have someone in my life, even if he is controlling, I'm not important. I know that isn't true but I still feel confused. I feel like it was sooo easy for him to get past this relaionship and I'm still hurting. I wish that he could feel an ounce of the pain I have. I know I need to stop caring about him and how he is doing so great but I just can't get him completely get him out of my head. How can I truly heal from this?
That was a POWERFUL post.
You're very brave.
But you do NOT have to do this all alone.
A good therapist could be a GREAT support to you.
There were a lot of valuable points in what you wrote. You're dealing with a lot. NOBODY heals from what you've been through in a month ---- even in a year. It takes both the right kind of support, enough work and a bunch of time.
It was good that you wrote.
It would be good if you could call a social service agency and see what resources there are for you in your area. You need some. You don't have to get through this alone, and it's actually better if you don't think you have to try. Please reach out where you are.
I don't have time, at this moment, to explore all the important topics you brought up in your post. I'll try when I get back later, or tomorrow.
Please take care of yourself.
Ilene
It is very hard to think of them carrying on..As if it never happened, as if they have got away happily?...
But remember..he will do the exact same to the next woman..they don't change...and hard as it is to keep moving on...It does feel very lonely and starnge at first..Its SO SO worth going through the emotions..Which will pass...and to keep on going..
Reasons why we can still want to keep them in our heads..are amongst the following..
Why we still continue to care about our abuser, (Despite them not returning our love..in any decent way at all..And despite us knowing they never will..)
One is 'hope'..When we meet them, we 'fall in love'..We click with something very primitive, and at that point, they are usually, very caring and attentive, and seemingly, very loving..Everything we could have wished for?..or so we imagine?..
This is before their 'abusive' nature begins to reveal itself...
When the controlling hurtful abuser begins to emerge..We cling on, living in hope, awaiting the 'honeymoon' periods, inbetween being treated like a piece of dirt..being shouted at, possibly ignored for weeks on end?..maybe controlled?..maybe all our needs for intimacy denied..and our feelings ignored, or ridiculed..Then theres lies, and denial of things that happen...No revisiting of bad behaviours, denial of bad behaviours..hurt and more hurt..
Then a little 'honeymoon' period...
Where we pray 'good guy' is back..The guy we were sure we had first met?..The real guy?
Except the 'good guy' never comes back..He just gives you a bit of that..To keep up your hope..and in the meantime..he loves to see you hurting, he just loves to see your pain...You cry..and he has no empathy..he doesn't care...'Bad guy'...Is real....Except..We live on in 'hope'..still loving 'good guy'..Who is not real..Who never was...But its too hard to accept..because you saw him a while back?..For a few days???..he brought you a cup of tea in bed once??..after weeks of shouting at you?..he did/does exist doesn't he??? I still love him...Mr. Mirage?..Don't I?? Otherwise I got it all wrong?..Otherwise hes just an abusive mind wrecking nutcase?....
Hope:
'Even once we have acknowledged to ourselves, and possibly others, that there is a very serious problem, we still hold out hope that things will change, that we can somehow work this out. It is difficult letting go of the dream of a happy couple or family and accepting that abusers very rarely change. In our efforts to maintain hope, we can still cling to memories of "good times" together, or concentrate on the honeymoon phase, hoping it will last'. That cahange is possible?
Sorry..Hope or no hope..He is NOT a 'good guy' after all..he is really a mind wrecking hurtful controlling nutcase...Who will always let you down, and keep hurting you.and who will keep 'enjoying' causing you pain..for his own sense of 'control over'..
Then theres denial...
Denial:
'Often a woman will find it difficult to classify herself as 'abused' (or battered). While we deny there is a problem and pretend everything is okay, we can continue to believe it is. Many people tell themselves "it is not that bad", or "it is not him, it is the drink, drugs, etc". We all want to believe the best of our partner, and it can often take years of repeated victimisation or frequent visits to hospital before we can accept the reality of our situation'.
Then there is 'guilt'...
Guilt:
'We somehow buy into the myth that the abuse is really our fault, that we somehow provoked it, deserved it, or are otherwise responsible for it. Most abusers shift the blame onto their victim, making us responsible for their emotional and often physical well-being, and it can be very hard realising that they alone are responsible for their actions'.
We can be left wishing we had tried harder?..That if only we had done 'such and such'..They might not have behaved so badly?..That we have responsibility for it?..That we both really love each other..and that we were as much to blame?
Not true...They make it impossible..Not us..Nothing anyone can do, justifies 'abuse'..or gettuing abused..Nothing ever...
Then theres the 'stockholm syndrome'..
'Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser
Love and Stockholm Syndrome: The Mystery of Loving an Abuser
By Dr Joseph M Carver, PhD
Thursday, 8 January 2009
People are often amazed at their own psychological conditions and reactions. Those with depression are stunned when they remember they've thought of killing themselves. Patients recovering from severe psychiatric disturbances are often shocked as they remember their symptoms and behavior during the episode. A patient with Bipolar Disorder recently told me "I can't believe I thought I could change the weather through mental telepathy!" A common reaction is "I can't believe I did that!"
In clinical practice, some of the most surprised and shocked individuals are those who have been involved in controlling and abusive relationships. When the relationship ends, they offer comments such as "I know what he's done to me, but I still love him", "I don't know why, but I want him back", or "I know it sounds crazy, but I miss her".
Recently I've heard "This doesn't make sense. He's got a new girlfriend and he's abusing her toobut I'm jealous!" Friends and relatives are even more amazed and shocked when they hear these comments or witness their loved one returning to an abusive relationship. While the situation doesn't make sense from a social standpoint, does it make sense from a psychological viewpoint? The answer is Yes!
On August 23rd, 1973 two machine-gun carrying criminals entered a bank in Stockholm, Sweden. Blasting their guns, one prison escapee named Jan-Erik Olsson announced to the terrified bank employees "The party has just begun!" The two bank robbers held four hostages, three women and one man, for the next 131 hours. The hostages were strapped with dynamite and held in a bank vault until finally rescued on August 28th.
After their rescue, the hostages exhibited a shocking attitude considering they were threatened, abused, and feared for their lives for over five days. In their media interviews, it was clear that they supported their captors and actually feared law enforcement personnel who came to their rescue. The hostages had begun to feel the captors were actually protecting them from the police. One woman later became engaged to one of the criminals and another developed a legal defense fund to aid in their criminal defense fees. Clearly, the hostages had "bonded" emotionally with their captors.
While the psychological condition in hostage situations became known as "Stockholm Syndrome" due to the publicity, the emotional "bonding" with captors was a familiar story in psychology. It had been recognized many years before and was found in studies of other hostage, prisoner, or abusive situations such as:
Abused Children
Battered/Abused Women
Prisoners of War
Cult Members
Incest Victims
Criminal Hostage Situations
Concentration Camp Prisoners
Controlling/Intimidating Relationships
In the final analysis, emotionally bonding with an abuser is actually a strategy for survival for victims of abuse and intimidation.
The "Stockholm Syndrome" reaction in hostage and/or abuse situations is so well recognized at this time that police hostage negotiators no longer view it as unusual.
In fact, it is often encouraged in crime situations as it improves the chances for survival of the hostages. On the down side, it also assures that the hostages experiencing "Stockholm Syndrome" will not be very cooperative during rescue or criminal prosecution.
Local law enforcement personnel have long recognized this syndrome with battered women who fail to press charges, bail their battering husband/boyfriend out of jail, and even physically attack police officers when they arrive to rescue them from a violent assault.' I also see this as the 'Till death do us part'..syndrome..Endangering love despite all..
We can grow to begin to see our abusers as our only hope...'emotionally bonding with an abuser can actually a strategy for survival for victims of abuse'
Some other factors can be...
'Intense need for love and affection.
Low self esteem. (Belief that you can't have/ don't deserve better treatment.)
A background involving physical, emotional or sexual abuse.
ACOA issues (Adult Children of alcoholics / addicts.)
Codependent personality disorder and/or Love addiction.
Strong need for any relationship to feel validated.
Gain a sense of worth by care taking the abuser.
Inability to set and enforce interpersonal boundaries.
Lack of self esteem.
Loyalty to the abuser takes precedence over emotional or physical wellbeing or safety.
We can also 'love too much'..keep wnating to love..When everything tells us..its not at all in our interests..
'Everyone says that most women are very emotional creatures. So, naturally we love, we give, we think, we analyze, we analyze some more, we hurt, we cry, we forgive, we try to forget and all the while we continue to love. We love things, people, and places, memories of actual and fantasized events. We love the possibilities of things to come and those that have long been forgotten by everyone else but us, because we love so damn much'
Our forgiving natures, can also keep us loving, way beyond when it is in our best interests..or contrary, to our wellbeing..
There are also aspects of being involved with a narcissistic abuser:
'The break-up of a relationship with a narcissist is very emotionally charged. It is the culmination of a long chain of humiliations and of subjugation. It is the rebellion of the functioning and healthy parts of the partner's personality against the tyranny of the narcissist.
The partner is likely to have totally misread and misinterpreted the whole interaction (I hesitate to call it a relationship). This lack of proper interface with reality might be (erroneously) labelled "pathological".
Why is it that the partner then sometimes seeks to prolong her pain? While also still thinking this is 'love'?..On the break-up of the relationship, often it is the partner (but not the narcissist), who usually is unable to find closure and can engage in a tortuous and drawn out post mortem'.
There is also conditioning:
'The abusers' repetitive treatment is how they "condition" their victims over a long period of time, to stay with them. They make the victim believe that there is absolutely no way that they can leave the relationship and survive. Abusers often mak their victims feel that they cannot make it on their own, that they "need" the abusers, and that they are not worthy of anyone else's love and attention'.
The victim who loves an abuser has trouble accepting that the person they fell in love with, is so damaged that they can't function without jealousy and a huge need to control..and subsequent rage.
Victims frequently believe that if they love their abuser enough, the hurtful behavior will disappear. They think their love can make up for all the neglect, abuse and abandonment their abuser received.
Victims don't understand that their love isn't enough. It will never be enough.
Be VERY clear about what it is that you miss???..Write down all the bad..and the good..and compare...
The bad will hugely outweigh the good...
The 'good guy' is a mirage...The 'good guy' actually does not exist in reality and experience..
Abuse does cause trauma. People who live for years in abusive relationships are subject to the 'spell' of trauma (numbness and confusion).
'It is so important to break the cycle with the help of someone who is trustworthy and understanding. A good abuse counsellor, can make all the difference. Once the abuse is fully processed, the spell can be broken, and then you can begin to see a lot more clearly'.
Your love will only die, when you keep facing the 'true' facts, and acknowledgeing the real truth..head on.
Especially the fact that..Abuse is not love....and that loving an abuser, is actually based on a mirage.
When I left...I told people the truth. I didn't feel bad, one bit. Why should I protect someone who did the things to me he did. LIke I said in court, I just want the truth out on the table for once in my life. And what happens from that is what happens.. I just got so sick of him putting on a show and people thinking he was someone else.
My ex didn't protect me ever....He attacked me. He didn't deserve my protection.
It's important to find a therapist that you like. The right person will make you feel comfortable and you'll feel like you can just talk and get it all out.
And a good counselor is also a good support person.
They won't make you feel judged, and you know you'll get to see them every week, so it helps give a sense of stability.
When I blurted stuff out to my counselor about my abuser, I was actually kind of surprized, but she just made me feel like I could tell her, and validated me and made me feel like I was ok, I mattered, and I could do better for myself.
But she didn't lecture me about it like other people I know - she was just really understanding, which is what I needed.
Keep reading articles and books about abuse stuff, and venting online if that's where you feel comfortable.
It can take a while to get over things, so give yourself time.
I got a referral from my family doctor to a doctor from the psychiatric department of a local hospital - he made an assessment, and then referred me to a psychologist. Because the referral came from a hospital, it is covered under the basic health coverage, and I pay nothing.
Also... I told. Everything.
I sat down, one day, and I wrote it all out - the relationship. Then I posted it online to a journal.
Then I printed it out. All 13 pages of it.
Then I took it over to someone who I trust's house.
And I read it to them...
I will be posting it here, too, to my journal... in the next few days.
I carry a mountain of shame - but I know that there is nothing he would like better than for me to stay in that secret shame place - and I care more about myself than I do about looking like a loser.
I can completely relate to the uneasy feeling of not being monitored, because I was heavily monitored for 7 years. Makes me feel rather lost, at times.
But I know that everything I did, or did not do, came from fear... ear of him.
Fear of his rage, his abandonment, his lack of approval...
Another thing that helped me was to make goals, here, on this site.
By making them, I was able to do some good things for myself, and learn to self-monitor - taking back that power from him, and feeling better about myself; not so lost.
You'll be okay... you really will.
Rollercoasters are hellish rides, but they do not last forever.
Love and light,
Wendy~