Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
So, last night, my husband came home drunk and treated me probably worse than he ever has. He was in my face, screaming about how useless I am, telling me that if I don't sleep with him he was going to leave, telling me he would just go back to his affair partner if I didn't "quit playing my games." I thought, at one point, he was going to hit me, but he threw his phone instead. I was proud of how I handled it. I didn't yell back, so as not to escalate the situation, but I didn't back down either. He finally started to calm down and apologized, telling me he'd never want to be without me. I got him to go to bed and then shut everything down in the house and went to bed myself. When I did that, he started yelling at me again, waking the baby. Once I got the baby back to sleep, he tried to force himself on me again. I refused to back down, and he gave up after a while, but he had been pulling on my clothes so hard he actually ripped my shorts.
My question is, do I give his drunken behavior as much weight as his sober behavior? He was so drunk I'm not sure if he'll even remember the exchange last night. I know he is certainly not off the hook, but is this behavior as serious as it would have been if he'd been sober. (He doesn't drink very often.) I'm pretty sure the alcohol was just lowering his inhibitions because some of those things (like the "playing games" comment) were things he had said earlier in the day while he was sober.
I should also note that I am working at getting out, but I didn't want to tell him yet. I'm not sure how he'll react, so there's no point in showing all my cards right now.
My question is, do I give his drunken behavior as much weight as his sober behavior? He was so drunk I'm not sure if he'll even remember the exchange last night. I know he is certainly not off the hook, but is this behavior as serious as it would have been if he'd been sober. (He doesn't drink very often.) I'm pretty sure the alcohol was just lowering his inhibitions because some of those things (like the "playing games" comment) were things he had said earlier in the day while he was sober.
I should also note that I am working at getting out, but I didn't want to tell him yet. I'm not sure how he'll react, so there's no point in showing all my cards right now.
My ex was an alcohoilc. He blamed all his bad behaviour on the alcohol. Then he got sober for a while (like, 4 months or so). During that time, he was never violent, but he was nastier and I could see the pressure rising, without the violence outlet.
My personal view is that your H got drunk and found a valve for the things he wanted to do and say before he got drunk. I have lived with alcoholics most of my life (both my parents, for starters), and I don't believe alcohol changes anyone. It just "helps" people do and say the things they want to do and say while sober. That's why some people get very lovey when drunk and others get violent.
They CHOOSE to pour the drink.
They CHOOSE to put it to their lips.
They CHOOSE to swallow it.
And they CHOOSE THEIR BEHAVIOR!!!
Whether or not he is an alcoholic, it really doesn't matter. So yes you give it as much weight, if not more as his sober behavior.
BTW, how often a person drinks doesn't determine whether or not someone is an alcoholic. Plus many alcoholics, especially the highly functioning ones, hide their drinking.
It used to really piss the ex off because as he said, I kept harping on his drinking. He didn't see it as a problem. But it IS a problem as it only EXACERBATES what is ALREADY THERE!
After being so desperate to help him, I planned an intervention. In the training I learned that alcohol is only 10% of the problem. The other 90% is the BEHAVIOR. The caveat is that in order to change the 90%, he has to completely stop the 10%. But, stopping drinking will NOT change anything UNLESS he WANTS to change. That the chances of that happening are slim to none. (and no, the intervention didn't work)
I totally agree with Liv. Do NOT let him know you're thinking about leaving. If he knows or even suspects, he will escalate. Please create a SAFE plan to leave and take very good care of yourself.
I agree with the others that alcohol does not alter a person's personality. It takes away the filter for how they would be otherwise. I've known plenty of good men who after drinking too much might stumble around, talk very philosophically although they're not one bit comprehensible, and then pass out on the couch. These good men do not become violent or mean because they are drunk. They just act silly and then pass out.
Him trying to guilt you into sex is so wrong. And so is waking you up to yell at you. My ex did both of those things. Those are both forms of abuse. Him accusing you of "playing games" is emotional abuse and manipulative.
When my ex would sleep at night, I'd get up and read books about verbal abuse to try to understand what the hell was going on. I read the book, "Why Does He Do That." Very informative! The book advises women NOT to tell their abusers that they're even thinking of leaving. Get everything in line that you need to leave, or get the divorce papers and everything ready and then hit him with it. I'd get advice from a counselor at an abuse shelter. And then, be prepared for him to either get angry or extremely sweet as he will try to lure you back in, make you feel guilty for ending the marriage when a child is involved, etc. Don't buy into it. Abusers cannot recover and become non abusers when the person they abuse is around. Abuse recovery is low to nonexistent. Marriage counseling typically makes the abuser worse and often, the women are made to feel like they're responsible for the problems in the relationship as well. It's very very counterproductive. Be strong. Your gut instinct is on track!
Good job on working on getting out and being smart by not telling him. Hang in there