Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
I am feeling so vulnerable and scared of everything now.I have an attorney, my Husband knows I want a divorce.But the fear in me I do believe is worse than every.This may sound crazy and for now I think I am.But now that I have things set in motion to get out and he knows that is what I want ,I feel maybe even more vulnerable than I have before.I guess because I am refusing to do things his way anymore.This is scary for me,because I have always done whatever I had to do to keep the peace and try to keep him as calm as possible.But this isn't what he wants, and he is losing his power and control.Which is frightening to me because, I fear what he will do when he isn't in control.Told you it is crazy!!! and I do feel crazy right now!On the weekends, I am alone and this is so scary for me.I guess because of all the intimidation ,threats and scare tactics that have always worked.I keep thinking while I'm home alone that he will come after me.That I will go to sleep and wake up to him being in the room with me with that " I could kill you look on his face" and mean it this time.For some crazy reason, living in the same house with him isn't as scary for me as him being separate from me.Guess it is because when we are in the same house he is in control and things are going his way to an extent.Also I can read his expressions and the tone of his voice and the way he is talking to me to weather I can be in the house with him or if I need to get out of the house.But this way I can not read his emotions because I'm not there and he isn't in control.So now I'm thinking I really do have this PTSD and it seems bad because where I use to never cry and shake, I was numb and sad, and felt hopeless, now I am crying all the time ,jumping at every sound afraid to sleep,really feeling afraid for my life!!! Did anyone here go through this when you couldn't do it anymore and had to get out? Oh, and by the way he did come to the house last night without warning ,to talk to me and scared the crap out of me.He has beat on the doors in the house and threatened to break the doors to get me to unlock the door to the bedroom and the bathroom so many times I have such a fear of this now.Oh, and he has broken the door in before with me behind it, and then I thought he broke my arm but it didn't break. So I think this is were the fear of him beating on the door comes from.I just really am living in this weird state of mind right now that is hard to explain , but I can not get the fear, the what if this or that out of my mind it is as if I'm obsessed with fear of something terrible happening, when I am so close to my freedom.
When I kicked my ex out, for a while I was also more afraid than I'd been when he was living here. I could have no idea what his mood was, whether he'd been drinking, what he was doing or thinking - and I had no way to work around it and make sure I was safe, no warning. I also used to leave the house when I knew he was likely to kick off, but once I was alone I had no way of knowing when he might kick off.
If he turns up at your house again, call the cops. Make clear to him that that is what you will do. Fortunately, my ex didn't actually turn up, but he threatened to - so I had my lawyer write to his, saying that I had contacted my local police and his parole officer, that if he turned up I would be dialling emergency. Because I had got his lawyer, parole officer and the police involved already, he knew I was serious about calling - and that he'd probably go back to jail if he turned up.
I also jumped every time the dogs moved, or I heard a noise or ... anything. I slept with my phone by my side. I triple checked that the house was locked before sleeping (I never used to lock my house at all, even when I went away for a few days, much less when I was inside it). But slowly, the fear subsided and although I still make sure the doors are locked when I'm at home, I no longer jump. He's been gone more than 2 and a half years now. It did take months to calm down.
You are not crazy.
It's for these reason's that establishing safety is such an important first step in recovering from abuse. You need a secure home and whatever legal protection you can get. I hope it all works out for you.