Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Sorry, I'm feeling very down today.
My certainty that I'm being abused is down around only 10% or so. Even the most painful things I can remember I'm wanting to dismiss as thoughtlessness or misunderstandings. I can't deny the damage they've done to me, but I'm probably just being too sensitive.
Even when I'm absolutely certain that it's true that I"m being abused, and that it's never going to change... it still isn't enough to help me past the fear of triggering that kind of irreversable change in my life.
I'm a father, a husband, a provider, the rock, the man of the house, the one that endures. For better or for worse.
But I can't endure anymore. But choosing to walk away from all that... that's not who I am. I'm loyal. I'm dependable. I'm consistant.
I made a promise.
I feel shattered. But to walk away... that would shatter her. I don't want her to feel like this. But to not walk away means more damage to myself.
She's admitted that she can be thoughtless, and isn't good at listening. She's acknowledged that I feel like I've been abused. She's willing to give me space right now. But I still don't dare even express what I want. The few things that I think I want. But I don't know if that's me being afraid of her or her being frightful.
I don't know if I distrust her or myself more.
I just don't know.
My certainty that I'm being abused is down around only 10% or so. Even the most painful things I can remember I'm wanting to dismiss as thoughtlessness or misunderstandings. I can't deny the damage they've done to me, but I'm probably just being too sensitive.
Even when I'm absolutely certain that it's true that I"m being abused, and that it's never going to change... it still isn't enough to help me past the fear of triggering that kind of irreversable change in my life.
I'm a father, a husband, a provider, the rock, the man of the house, the one that endures. For better or for worse.
But I can't endure anymore. But choosing to walk away from all that... that's not who I am. I'm loyal. I'm dependable. I'm consistant.
I made a promise.
I feel shattered. But to walk away... that would shatter her. I don't want her to feel like this. But to not walk away means more damage to myself.
She's admitted that she can be thoughtless, and isn't good at listening. She's acknowledged that I feel like I've been abused. She's willing to give me space right now. But I still don't dare even express what I want. The few things that I think I want. But I don't know if that's me being afraid of her or her being frightful.
I don't know if I distrust her or myself more.
I just don't know.
Wishing you much support and encouragement. This is a tough thing to feel and go through!!! We are all here to support you no matter what your choice is. Everyone deserves to be happy and live abuse free.
Remember, you are only responsible for your own behavior not that of your spouse.
Some things to consider regarding the longer you stay, the more:
* it will change....usually for the worst (an abuser will change their behavior & the 'rules' whenever and however they deem necessary and not tell you
* it will teach your child(ren) that it's ok to abuse and ok to be abused
* it will affect you and your child(ren) physically, mentally, emotionally & spiritually (and not in a good way)
* it could cause brain damage in that repeated trauma (including verbal & emotional abuse) can shrink the hippocampus which means it could affect one's ability to make decisions in that we don't see all the options clearly and it affects us in other ways like PTSD.
There are two threads that I encourage you to read.
One is Ilene's Index Card Exercise - this will help you realize that it's not your imagination.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/11590808-ilenes-clarifying-index-card-exercise
The other one is When is it Time to Leave - this will give you an idea of what many of us have either dealt with or still deal with when living with abuse.
http://www.dailystrength.org/c/Physical_Emotional_Abuse/forum/8163576-time/page-12
In addition, please check out www.youarenotcrazy.com. It's Patricia Evans website. Her book, The Verbally Abusive Relationship, describes the many types of abuse and is very eye opening. It will help validate what you're going thru.
If you aren't in therapy already, please consider INDIVIDUAL therapy, specifically w/someone who specializes in recovery from abuse. It's important to regain your self-love, self-trust and self-esteem. That's not easy, even w/a therapy as long as you are w/an abuser. However, IMHO, therapy is crucial for keeping you sane until you can get out.
Joint counseling does NOT work w/an abuser. Joint counseling only ends up giving the abuser one more person to manipulate & sad to say, anything you say in counseling will more than likely be used against you at home.
IF your abuser says she is sorry but her actions don't bear that out, which are you going to believe, her actions or her words? This is something to hang on to while living w/an abuser....look for actions to match words, especially when they 'admit' to &/or 'apologize.'
You deserve to be able to express what you want, any time. You & your child(ren) DESERVE to live abuse-free lives.
In my case, I still see a good future for this relationship as long as she continues to work on her bahavior and happiness. She recognizes she hurts herself by the way she acts towards others - so I stick out the 10% bad times with my fingers crossed.
It sounds like you are beyond that optimistic point. And the only way out is probably to create distance and heal yourself. Don't feel like you are hurting her or the children by breaking a promise - she broke HER promise to you by not respecting who you are.
I hope things turn around for you soon.
Take good care.
I believe her when she says she doesn't want to hurt me. She's willing to remain calm and respectful, so long as I don't push any buttons. she's trying to learn to maintain control if I do push buttons. I'm afraid to push buttons to find out how well that's going. But she refuses to accept that this behavior may not stem from me - she's willing to accept half the blame - that of overreacting.
I'm just worried that she's willing to give up the tactics I'm seeing in order to learn new tactics I miss. And they're already so very subtle. I don't know if anyone can, but I put up the start of my list over on my journal.
Got another meeting with a DV councellor in an hour and a half. Hopefully that'll help.