Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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tiggerbear 05/20/2010

I get really annoyed at myself
My H went into what I call the down phase of the cycle on Tues night because I forgot to remember something for him.

Since then its been the silent treatment, nasty sarcastic comments and putdowns, shoving and banging of furniture. I have been doing a lot of running around after him to show him I really do care and am really sorry. And then at work I think about what happened and other things that have happened and get mad. Mad to the point I'm ready to go this time. thats it, its over.

I got home from work yesterday and I had to put up with more slaming of furniture, a bit of shouting and some nasty comments in front of our 2yr old. Then later he was all nice. And I found myself getting hopeful things will work out.
This morning he hung up on me so thats when I realised, ug what am I doing getting hopeful for "us" whenever he shows the nice side of him. How many times has he done this and it never, lasts. I know that, and yet I get suckered in.

Why is it, that I know how he has treated me and is treating me, is wrong and yet to date I have stayed.
I read the discussions on this site and question how I can think "oh thats abuse you had better get out of there", when I am in my situation and I'm thinking "this time,maybe this time it will work".

Ug I'm going drive myself crazy if he doesnt do it to me first.

does anyone go thru something similar?

IleneW 05/20/2010

tigger ----

Many, manny of us have gone through this.

We have all thought:

"this time,maybe this time it will work".

Tragically ---- it won't.

Everytime that that hope keeps you roped in,
you've trashed another precious day of your life.

As for your two year-old. . . . . . . .

Every day you stay with your abuser, the psyche
of your child gets imprinted with "abuse is normal life."

Hugs to you, sweetie. I hope and pray that one day
soon, for yourself and your child, you'll sit up and say:

Even his "good" times are abusive. They're a con-game
that keeps me fooled into staying around to be abused again.

I hope and I pray that you'll get healthy enough to get
yourself and your child out of abuse and to a better life.

Best to you. Take good care!

tiggerbear 05/20/2010

Thanks IleneW.
You know the bad thing is I know its bad for my daugher to be seeing all this. I know its all wrong.
And yet I still stay. Why is it so hard to just walk away.
I know these are wasted days for me and her.
I know all this, and yet here I am still.

I am moving closer to actioning my plan, I just need to remain strong and just go thru with it. (Sure helps when hes in the down phase).

IleneW 05/21/2010

Hi "nice" phase is still abuse.

It's even WORSE abuse then his "down" phase
because it's intentionally FALSE and DECEPTIVE.

Keep moving closer to escape.

When you finally get far enough away,
you'll look at the days when you just couldn't
escape and shake your head. Life without
abuse is SO MUCH BETTER.

wvartgirl 05/21/2010

You have absolutely described the cycle of the abusive narcissist. Mine would throw random temper tantrums and treat me like crap...until he wanted sex, or something, and then he was nice as pie.

I spent years trying to alter my behavior to please him and eventually figured out...there was nothing I could do. Trying to please someone like that is an exercise in futility. I broke the cycle by leaving.

I am sending you big hugs for better days ahead, my friend. YOu are a beautiful, kind and compassionate person who deserves to be loved kindly and consistently.

mildred71 05/21/2010

It's called the cycle of abuse. The honeymoon phase- the tension building phase- the anger phase- and the honeymoon phase again. My ex-boyfriend would continually get mad and then act all sweet and lovey. Then he would act like he was going to get mad, then he would get mad. It's crazy! And yes it is very easy to get hopes up in the honeymoon phase. However if he is abusive then he is abusive, and that is simply a fact of the matter. His abusive behavior needs to stop, because you are an
amazing woman that deserves much better!!

serenitystar 05/24/2010

I completly understand what your going thru, it is the cycle of abuse and anyone that's been in an abusive situation willl agree. I ask myself the very same questions, and one day we will be strong inside and have enough.

deleted_user 05/24/2010

been there, done that. my hubby used to make me take care of everything for him: remember appointments, make his phone calls, pick up stuff at the store 10 times a day whenever he thought of it, pick up after him, cook for him, do his laundry, all of it. and i put up with it for a long time too. it's not just you. what happened with me is that i distanced myself from him, getting ready to move out and he decided to get counseling for himself and then i decided to do the same for me. now, we have our own seperate counselors and we're getting seperate help for our issues and working on ourselves instead of pointing the finger at each other. now, he insists that i don't do everything for him and he is much more helpful and appreciates what i still do for him. i think we were the lucky ones, i understand it doesn't always work that way for everyone. if he's willing to do counseling, there may be hope for you, but wait for him to take the initiative like mine did. he did it all on his own. i just followed his lead and got counseling for myself after he started. hope this helps you understand you're not alone.

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