Joanie, please don't be so hard on yourself. Not doing anything can be a good way to take care of yourself. The fact that you will be seeing your new psychologist this week is a good thing and you can discuss w/him/her.

We all need down time, even if it is only from work. Sometimes we need time to ourselves to recharge. I call it hibernating. I am just coming off of a period of semi-hibernation and I understand how hard it is to not beat ourselves up for not 'doing' something. But we aren't human doings, we're human BEINGS. And sometimes, we just need to BE. Sometimes being w/other people is a good thing and sometimes BEING w/our own self is what's best.

As for your ex, the chances that he is happy w/someone else are slim to none. Being happy by being with another person or being able to commit to just one person will not cause him to get off pot or pain meds. Believe me it doesn't work that way. I know from first hand experience and a lot of research.

Happiness comes from within and if anyone isn't happy because of another person, it's not the other person's fault. It's the unhappy person's fault & blaming another isn't going to change that.

Remember that as long as a person is addicted to a mind altering substance, they aren't in their right mind - the substance has taken over their mind. And there's no way they will be able to heal or make good healthy decisions until they 1. completely stop consuming the substance(s) and 2. once they have completely stopped, they must get help (therapy & drug abuse programs) AND continue with both for years.

So please be gentle w/yourself.
~hugs~

J.L. -----

MTC said a lot of the
kinds of things I'd have
tried to say, if i'd have
seen your thread earlier.

Let me try to pick up some
ot the points MTC already
has, but in different words.

It's totally true that a new
partner will not "get him
off all the pot, pain meds
and [be able to] commit
to just on person."

If ---- tomorrow ---- he began
working with the absolutely
most competent, highly
qualified therapist ------
it would be highly UNLIKELY
that he would get off both
street and prescription drugs
and commit to a relationship.
And it would be EXTREMELY
unlikely that he would ever
become a NON-abusive
person.

He is who he is.
Abusers only get worse.

In this transition time,
you need to do what
feels comforting and
nurturing for you to do.
THAT's what SELF-CARE
means. If it's resting
and nesting. . . then
that's the exactly right
thing for you to be doing.
(Playing with the dogs
is WONDERFUL.)

LOVE YOURSELF.
LOVE YOUR LIFE.

There's lots of life out there.

But work is important
and home is your HAVEN.
Both are an excellent
starting point. Continue to
practice self-care
and when the time is
the right time, you'll
encounter, savor
and enjoy everything
that's out there. It's
waiting for you now.

You're on your way.

LOVE YOURSELF!!!!!!!!!!

Thank you both for your comforting words and support.
I suppose I have been trapped in a cycle of needing other's validation so long that even the validation of a toxic ex is of importance to me sadly.
Hoping my therapist can get me past this. Taking the hit of finally finding out my ex husband most likely never did "love" me, but just stayed with me for the comfort of me supporting him financially, well that one hurt pretty bad. I guess I equated him not cheating on me (the only man to my knowledge that has not cheated) to mean he loved me at least somewhat, and well, now I realize, even he did not love me.
Sad how I used to cling to that. Well, at least my ex husband married me, he must of loved me at one point. Nope, not so much.
I now see my life as a series of rejections. My birth parents, my alcoholic father, my co dependant mother, my abusive older brother, every relationship I have had has been for a purpose other than love and has been toxic and dishonest.

Unfortunately I could not get into the therapist office this week due to scheduling and my work schedule, but made an appmt for Monday of next week. Hoping I can hang in there.

I had a day to myself yesterday... which is EXTREEEEMELY rare, and mostly I did things around the house and slept. LOL Sometimes it's a good thing, and I hope it was for you.

I know my counselor promoted "self-validation" because no one can solely rely on others. Took me a while to get it, and was only able to through process, but it really does make life easier!

I'm glad you have therapy to look forward to! It is SO helpful. Wishing you the best!

I had a three day weekend and I locked myself up in my room. I hardly even hung out with my dog, but he's way more respectful of my emotions than my ex ever was and didn't seem to mind. I'm simply not ready for the world, but I feel okay with that. It's not going anywhere. It'll be there for you when you're ready, too.

Sometimes I feel a bit awkward that my ex hasn't put forth the effort to contact me in a couple of months. I haven't made it easy for him, but in the past it made me feel good for a second that he had tried. Then I'd remember how much of a jerk he can be and I'd feel bad. I know in the end, finding out he's tried to reach me, it wouldn't be worth it.

If your ex does begin seeing someone new, he may seem happy for awhile. But eventually he's going to be a jerk to his new partner. It's just how it goes. He's miserable inside and in search for the perfect partner. Can you imagine how sad it would be to never be able to find someone you think is good enough for you? How sad it would be for everyone and everything to always let you down? At least non-abusers have hope to find happiness both within themselves and with their future partners. These guys, they're stuck because they don't see the problem.

It's a nice thought, to wish our exes the best, but I honestly don't wish that for mine. Nothing says you have to wish someone well in order to be a good person, especially after they've treated you poorly and without consideration.

Hi Joanie,
It's nice to hear from you again although I wish things were going better for you.
This 4th was a real bummer for me also, because My cat, that I have REALLY bonded with disappeared.
I have figured out what happened and it really was the cats fault, but it has been so lonely without him. I still watch for him although I know without a shadow of a doubt he will not be back.
Please give your horse a carrot for me and love your animals as you never know what could happen to them.
I hope things get better for you.
((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((HUGS))))))))))))))))))))))))))))

gem ----

I'm so sorry for your loss.

Please take good care
of yourself.

Sending you hugs
and healing prayers.