Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group

Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.

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jojo42 08/25/2011

My ex got married and his new wife left him after only 5 weeks of marriage. She has been out for 5 weeks now and has made contact with me asking me all kinds of questions. I answered her the best I could without getting myself in too deep in case she goes back LOL! I think she is ready to file for divorce and she wants to meet for coffee. I feel as is she is really reaching out and is so very very confused on his behavior. I did tell her that I really really really wanted to warn her but didn't because she would not have taken it well at the time.....and who woud when the ex wife is digging on her soon to be hubby?

I feel comfortable continueing to help her...which is where my heart is....to reach backwards now and help others thru what I have been thru. this just happens to be my ex's new soon to be ex wife LOL!

There is always the element of him finding out somehow. He is very capable of violence and can go from zero to cut throat in about 2 seconds. She wasn't with him long enough to see the violent side and she ask me why I am so careful......I was glad to know he hadn't slapped her or shoved her or pinned her against the wall yet....

What do you all think?

Livndadrem 08/25/2011

Trust your gut and be careful. If your gut says help, then do it. If your gut says she will go back, be VERY careful what you say to her.

gamine 08/25/2011

I would second Livn's statement. You should be careful about jeopardizing your own safety in this. I would be really really careful and I know, we all want to help someone get out of a situation, but I think practicing caution while doing it, if you're donna do it and talk to this woman.

ImMeNow 08/25/2011

Yes, be careful...trust your intuition and instincts...I guess you could say that "I found him abusive"...you just share what you feel comfortable with :)

calmzone 08/25/2011

I agree, it's nice that you want to help, but your safety and all-around well-being are priority #1. Just tread carefully.

IleneW 08/25/2011

Amen

rosiekins 08/25/2011

Maybe you could recommend a book she can read.....so she can learn what she needs to know. She already knows a lot now that she has connected with you.

deleted_user 08/25/2011

I agree with everyone here. Be vague instead of citing specific times he was abusive. Then if she does return to him, she can't repeat explicit accounts that will surely anger him.

Be careful!

rachelrachel 08/25/2011

wow! it's pretty amazing when something like this happens.

it's got to be incredibly validating to you.

it wasn't just you. it really is him.

she's lucky to have you to talk to-and to find you willing to help.

I second (third..fourth) what everyone else here is saying..

recommend Lundy Bancroft's book to her...

be vague..and do be careful.

your heart is in the right place though..

but do be careful-knowing that she might go back, and then it could all backfire on you.

but I do have a feeling that it won't...

just be careful..

deleted_user 08/25/2011

Thanks for sharing. I think it's really nice what you are doing, although i agree that you should remember your own safety first.

I keep wanting to contact my H's ex girlfriend. After he broke up with her, she contacted his other girlfriend (who ignored her), and later, she even contacted my ex boyfriend, trying to warn me. Of course, having my jerk of an ex "warn me" backfired--since he wasn't such a great guy, himself.

I think I will contact her after I leave, even if it is just to say, "no--you weren't crazy. He was abusive."

cute1 08/26/2011

I we're with Liv... You can't trust it and truthfully what the guy did to you he is starting to do to her... Victim #2 +. So I wouldn't waste too much time and tell her to RUN. That is not getting to involved yet giving her a heads up on a miserable life she entered. YOU KNOW and now it's time to worry about YOU! He is her problem now do NOT continue to make him your problem. YOU ARE FREE!!!

deleted_user 08/26/2011

wow you must be the biggest sweetheart. I recall reading how you gave this woman a hug when you met her.

Considering her thershold for abuse it's likely she'll leave him. Experiencing his abusive behavior now might open her eyes to the truth of what he did to you. But you should definitely keep your talks secret. You don't want your crazy ex coming after you because you ruined his marriage.

deleted_user 08/26/2011

I'd be careful on this one. My ex is getting married to a woman he's known for all of a few months. There's no way I plan on telling her anything unless she specifically asks and she's away from him. It's best to just not get involved and maybe offer her resources instead.

jojo42 08/26/2011

Thank you for all your responses.
Ironically I have done exactly what you all suggested. I only answer her questions to the point, i have sent her a few web sites and suggested Lundy Bancroft's book. She is absorbing it all and beating herself up right now for not seeing the signs. She is a very sweet person and an elementary teacher so she loves kids. She didn't see it coming and yes I am thankful she got out so quickly. We will see where this goes. We will all learn from this like do each other all the time.

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