Physical & Emotional Abuse Support Group
Abuse is a general term for the treatment of someone that causes some kind of harm (to the abused person, to the abusers themselves, or to someone else) that is unlawful or wrongful. No one deserves abuse, period. Abuse can be emotional, physical, or sexual.
Yes, here I am...Where do I begin? I've read some threads and one thing that stuck out is that people (the perpetrator, nor the victim)don't know that what is happening is abuse. I've been looking at things on pinterest about gaslighting, narcissists, and emotional abuse. It explained my ex (soon to be ex-husband). And it explained me too. I was losing who I was. I thought he was just an alcoholic with an undiagnosed mental illness such as bi polar or schizophrenia.
Without trying to explain everything, and I had typed up a really long post, I will try to reach out and just give the "important" information. I filed a restraining order a few months ago, which I should have done a long time before. My ex and I have been married and 6 and a half years. I left him shortly after our 5th anniversary. Well we have a 4 year, she was only 2 when I left. He's a dangerous, manipulative person. He's threatened to kill me numerous times and I fear that he will someday. I'm afraid he will read this somehow...
The thing that has been the most difficult is explaining to my child why she can't see or talk to her dad anymore. I've told her that Mommy and Daddy aren't allowed to talk to each other anymore because we weren't getting along and that it was grown up stuff. I told her that it wasn't her fault and that we both love her. She got upset and said we can still talk to him. and then I told her he was working (which he most def. was not, he cant hold down a job). I've told her that he wants to talk to her but can't. How do you explain something as screwed up as this to a small child?
I felt guilty because she wasn't getting to talk to her dad. Even though he'd upset her on the phone when he was drunk (id call before I realized how smashed he was, which was becoming all the time). The fact is that I had to protect her and myself from him. And the fact is he hasn't fought it. It's not my fault.
My question is does anyone have any suggestions on good books I can buy? I bought one on putting children first through divorce, but it assumed that their were two responsible parents. It wasn't very fitting for our situation/ I just want her to be happy and healthy. She seems pretty happy and well adjusted in spite of everything, which is good. I don't want her to view men as bad. I want her to be able to have healthy relationships. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
Without trying to explain everything, and I had typed up a really long post, I will try to reach out and just give the "important" information. I filed a restraining order a few months ago, which I should have done a long time before. My ex and I have been married and 6 and a half years. I left him shortly after our 5th anniversary. Well we have a 4 year, she was only 2 when I left. He's a dangerous, manipulative person. He's threatened to kill me numerous times and I fear that he will someday. I'm afraid he will read this somehow...
The thing that has been the most difficult is explaining to my child why she can't see or talk to her dad anymore. I've told her that Mommy and Daddy aren't allowed to talk to each other anymore because we weren't getting along and that it was grown up stuff. I told her that it wasn't her fault and that we both love her. She got upset and said we can still talk to him. and then I told her he was working (which he most def. was not, he cant hold down a job). I've told her that he wants to talk to her but can't. How do you explain something as screwed up as this to a small child?
I felt guilty because she wasn't getting to talk to her dad. Even though he'd upset her on the phone when he was drunk (id call before I realized how smashed he was, which was becoming all the time). The fact is that I had to protect her and myself from him. And the fact is he hasn't fought it. It's not my fault.
My question is does anyone have any suggestions on good books I can buy? I bought one on putting children first through divorce, but it assumed that their were two responsible parents. It wasn't very fitting for our situation/ I just want her to be happy and healthy. She seems pretty happy and well adjusted in spite of everything, which is good. I don't want her to view men as bad. I want her to be able to have healthy relationships. Any advice would be appreciated. Thanks.
I don't know of any books, but my suggestion would be to check out the forum on this website below which does have a sub-form specifically for parenting opposite a personality disordered person. Lot of advise from real people who've been through the wringer, fairly active too. It's the only resource I have to pass along.
http://outofthefog.net/forum/
Is it wrong to just tell her the truth, that for some reason he choose to hurt people and that it isn't safe for her to have any contact with him? He still loves her and you do, but you have to do what's safe for her.
I'm interested to see what other people comment.
What has worked for me has been honesty and not making a big deal of it. He gets sad sometimes that he doesn't have a dad around, but most of the time he's really matter of fact about it. The first thing you have to do (in my view) is to work through your own feelings of guilt. When I first made the decision to cut off all contact, I spent a lot of time really deeply examining my motives. I came through that certain that I did what I did to protect myself and my son, not for any reason of revenge or anger (despite what he told me many, many times). And so while I am also still sad that my son is effectively growing up without a father, I don't feel in the least bit guilty about it, because I know that the choice I made was the better one in the circumstances.
As she gets older I'll tell her the guarded truth. I thought of telling her that her dad is sick, but I don't think shed understand what mentally sick is.
I am happy that she only had to endure a few years of us living with him. She doesn't have to grow up seeing her dad treat me the way he did. But sadly she saw it at a very young age. I have several brothers who she can be around. What's said is she is mean to both grandpas now and says the only boy she likes is Daddy :(. My fear is someday I'll have to share custody with him and he'll abuse her or brainwash her...
I know people deal with abuse for as long as 50years. I think I'm going to try therapy so I can have a healthy relationship someday. I read on here that it can be tricky to find a therapist who actually helps but I'm about to start working full time so I will have insurance for the first time in a long time. I think that along with finalizing my divorce is the next thing I should do. Thanks again for responding.
If they think abuse is the fault of both people in the marriage and they start out by asking you what you did to create the abuse that is a major clue they are not qualified to treat you. Run do not walk away from this therapist.