It's been a while since I've posted, and I'm going to try to make this as concise without deconstructing the whole year of our commited relationship, and six other years of on and off. I ended what I think, and am trying to convince myself, was an extremely toxic and abusive relationship four months ago. It was a brutal ending, as I initiated it, and he followed through with it. Then, the next 24 hours I spent trying to get back together with him and take back my initiating part of the break up. He was very insensitive and dumped my things on me, screaming at me that I always fucked shit up and that he needed to go to the club with his friends- an hour after we broke up via phone. When I was stuck in traffic trying to get to him to talk it out, I was hysterically crying and pleading with him to listen, and he became angry and told me how I can never do anything right. I was DEADLOCKED in traffic. It wasn't my fault, yet it was to him. Finally, when I knew he wouldn't get back together with me, I combusted after a year of his hurtful comments, and said some really awful things to him. I regret now saying what I said in the immediate post-breakup, because I looked crazy and just had insane word-vomit, calling him a shitty person and that I was going to find someone better. I probably sent him three long messages in a row, telling him I would block his number, and then would call him the next day anyway, only to send one more angry message telling him why he was a bad person and abusive to me, and saying I would never speak to him again and I'll find better. This was only in the immediate day after the break-up. Please, I don't want any negative comments about how I shouldn't have said what I said to him and it was bad on my part. I know it was, and I beat myself up every day of my life for looking crazy and leaving that horrible, psychotic ex-girlfriend impression on him as his last image of me. I cry about it and blame myself for not leaving the relationship more gracefully- why couldn't I just have said "see you later, karma will find you" instead of sending him messages on messages begging for him back, and then when he didn't respond, telling him he was a horrible boyfriend anyway and I would do better. Even though this was ONLY in the immediate 24 hours, the things I said were harsh, and in my opinion, made me look like a scorned CRAZY lover to him, it was my way of processing everything. For one year I had tolerated being called names, insulted, exploited, and finally when I felt him discarding me- not even willing to acknowledge me in the FIRST 24 hours after our breakup, I said all the hurtful things I could, because I felt as though he was throwing me out like trash and getting off scott-free without ever acknowledging how poorly he treated me. I could go on and on about the actual breakup- but that's the tip of the iceburg. Basically, I initiated it, he followed through, I regretted, and when he literally threw my shit on the curb and told me he was going to the club and that he wanted to "see who else was out there"- and literally did not give me the opportunity to talk or gain any closure for longer than 30 minutes on the day of the split, I went crazy. It was evidently a discarding mechanism for him so he didn't have to deal with it.

The actual relationship I am struggling with. Since the breakup, everyone in my life has told me it was the best decision and that he was horrible to me. Still, because I didn't go down gracefully, and I lack self-esteem, perhaps as a result of the relationship, I am constantly struggling with feelings of blame and self guilt. I feel like it's my fault he treated me this way- and that he never did anything wrong. At times, I cannot acknowledge it was abusive, and convince myself into thinking that I deserved this treatment and that nothing he did was inappropriate or abusive. The label of "emotional abuse" is one I am trying to understand and it's such inner turmoil, because knowing that it was indeed abusive is what will help to give me self-validation and move forward. I'm still convincing myself I was the problem and asked for it.

In the beginning, he was more consistently sweet and doting, though he never spent much money on me ever and seemed to be a bit reserved like that, which was fine. I, however, loaned him my car, allowed him to do laundry at my apartment (sometimes doing it for him), paid often and was mindful to split the check sometimes and bought him things I knew he needed since he was trying to save and be money-conscious. During the entire relationship, we had WONDERFUL, beautiful times- moments which reflected normalcy, and he would have days when he looked, acted, and seemed like a perfect, respectful boyfriend. He would dote, treat me, and I would be so happy and lucky to have him. These days dwindled down towards the end, and then he would have days where I wouldn't hear from him all day, scared to initiate contact for seeming needy, but then bringing the topic of communicating more delicately, only to be chastised for not understanding his busy life and how much harder he worked than me, I was told I was selfish. Through time I convinced myself I was needy and selfish for wanting to speak more than once a day via one short text- I felt pushed off and discarded, but then the next day he would turn around and want me ALL day texting constantly. It was such a mindfuck. I couldn't figure out if I was in fact being needy on some days, or if he was emotionally withholding. Often times, he would tell me on his "cold days" that he had to fake conversations with me and didn't want to talk to me every day. I was his COMMITTED girlfriend at that point. I did EVERYTHING for him, because I wanted him to know I acknowledged how hard he worked and how much he was trying to improve his life, I wanted to make it easier for him. Him blowing "hot and cold" was one factor of this mindfucked relationship.

The other didn't come out as often as the sporadic silent treatment, but definetly occured multiple times (and became pretty consistent when he drank). On my birthday, he got drunk, saw me talking to a guy I knew, and was offended when I didn't introduce him the SECOND he approached us. He stormed off into the night, punched through two car windows, leaving me in the middle of the city alone. I got to my apartment and he showed up later, went into a meltdown and called me a "slut, cunt, whore, that i was going to fuck a ton of guys. I did nothing with my life, I was paid for by daddy, I didn't have the same work ethic as him, to shut the fuck up." He ripped a painting of my wall, and flipped my coffee table. I cried and cried and asked him why. The next second, he would cry and beg for forgiveness, telling me he loved me.

Another time, he made a comment in front of me about a girl who was with us having a "sexy body". I calmly told him it was disrespectful to say those things in front of me, and he then flipped it, accusing me of giving other guys "pretty eyes", when another guy offered to by me a drink and I respectfully declined. He flew into a tirade again, flipped a trash can in public, got home, accused me of having slutty friends and that when he left me I would "fuck every guy I knew" and went into the "cunt, slut, you don't work as hard as me" rant. He threw a chair off of my apartment building's roof deck. The next morning he apologized telling me he wasn't going to drink like that and he knew it was bad behavior, and I chalked it up to an isolated "alcohol and word vomit problem", leading myself into denial that it was verbal abusive. Even now I have a hard time acknowledging it was because it was infrequent and only a handful of times when he drank.

However, leading up to our breakup we were in public dining and he told me "fuck you", when I told him that "my job was important too" after he went on a talking spree about how important his new job was and that mine wasn't as hard.

All this being said, there are countless other times I could write about. What I need help from you all is acknowledging whether or not this qualifies as emotionally abusive and dangerous? I am in a cloud of constantly telling myself it was normal, that I was the bad one, I'm exaggerating it, and that I'm guilty of losing a good thing. I'm losing my mind ruminating over this. It's been four months and we have no contact- he probably wouldn't respond even if I tried. I just am still devastated and can't stop self- blame.